MIL wants to take kids out of the country without us

[Anonymous]

No way in he!!.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

Bad non-sensible, poorly designed ideas you know you shouldn’t be asking indeed are always an ambush. That’s the only card to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.

Disgusting.

Way to project your experiences on this situation.

[Anonymous]

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. The real issue is with your husband. He basically said it would be fine for them to go as long as there wasn’t a problem with the kids’ schedule this summer. Maybe he wasn’t okay with them going either, but he didn’t have the guts to say so. So he put it on you. Regardless his answer should have been, “That’s an interesting proposal that Sally and I will need to discuss together. We’ll let know in a few days what our decision is.”

Since that didn’t happen, you need to backtrack with your spouse. HE needs to be the one to say that he is not okay with the travel and that the decision is final. He can say that after talking with you and some reflection, he agrees that it would not be appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

+1 I wouldn't let my kids do this, but more likely MIL and SIL were super excited at the thought of this trip and a cool opportunity for the kids. It doesn't sounds like they were trying to ambush/strong arm OP into this.

Particularly since OP said they dropped it and changed the subject immediately.

Nobody has to be a villain to justify OP's choice. Sometimes everybody can have good intentions....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

1. It is not "completely unreasonable for them to make the request.
2. It is not unreasonable for you to say no.
3. Wanting to give them all an experience IS a reason, and not inherently a bad one. But you get to decide if "the experience" is worth the risk.

[Anonymous]

I would also say no to the request of going without either parent.

But, the way I would handle it is to have a discussion with your husband. Not confrontational, not asking why he threw you under the bus (I agree with the PP that he might have been caught off guard by the request and was trying not to react too strongly on the call), but calmly. Just explain that you do not want your children traveling out of the country without one of the two of you. If his mother and sister want the kids to visit her in her home, then he will need to take leave and go with MIL and the children to visit his sister.

So, you are not barring the children from going and visiting, you are just putting the caveat on that the only way they can go is if their father goes with them. Then it is up to him to decide how important the visit is for the kids. If it's important enough for him to appease his mother and sister, he takes leave and goes with them. If not, then they don't go.

[Anonymous]

Just the fact that they would even demand such a thing shows you how delusional they are and how much they have no idea how to responsibly handle kids that age.

[Anonymous]

No. Too many potential problems; your kids are too young to be independent if a problem comes up.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband from this country too?

I come from a world where this kind of request was normal when I grew up and I have considered for my kids but not yet sent them to their grandparents overseas for the summer. I don't think there is anything unreasonable the request and it is perfectly appropriate for you to say no.

It's NOT appropriate for your DH to pass the decision to you on the call like that. I encourage you to find out his real thinking on the issue. If he is against the kids going then it doesn't really matter the amount of lobbying. But if he does want the kids to go, then it's worth figuring out how he will take them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just the fact that they would even demand such a thing shows you how delusional they are and how much they have no idea how to responsibly handle kids that age.

8 and 10 are in the golden years in terms of behavior and ability to travel.

[Anonymous]

I would not be comfortable with this either, though I can certainly see circumstances where this would work for other families. Ideally, you could have given a non committal answer like ‘we’ll see!’ and then talked with DH about how this is an absolute no. And then he can tell his mom no.

Is DH’s family from that country? Or does his sister just live there? Either way, make it a family trip! We have been all over Europe with our young kids and I love it. One of the several reasons this wouldn’t fly in my family is because I would want to go too!

[Anonymous]

Depends on your kids and MIL. My grandmother took my cousin with her out of the country when he was a kid. I very one is different. I would have allowed it with my parents or MIL who frequently travels overseas. Do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.
It’s an ambush because they asked. You people are nutty AF. You don’t feel comfortable, then just say’ we appreciate the offer but I’m just not ready for that, a bit too anxious’ but noooooooo
You want to make it out like someone is manipulating you to steal your raggedy ass kids.
Grow up.

Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can think of a few situations when I would let my kids go out of the country without me, but this isn't one of them. Either the kids being so young and the MIL being 75 would probably be enough for me to say no, but combined would definitely be a hard no. At that age my kids would do trips to visit our families a few states away, but that's as much as I was comfortable with. If they were more seasoned travelers and fluent in the language there, if they were older, if the adults were younger and more mobile, that might change things.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how extended family feel about your decision. That's a huge ask. I get grandma wanting to give grandkids an opportunity to travel, and it's nice of her to offer. However, pressuring you or undermining you isn't okay and would be a problem. DH needs to get on the same page and be a united front with you, and you should probably mention to MIL not to tell the kids about it since it's not happening. (My mom would totally talk it up to the kids and then say how she wishes she could take them but mommy won't let you go.)

Besides the elderly single MIL and in physically handicapped single SIL, there is a lot of all-time high social unrest, refugee issues, crime, and terrorism in big cities and airports. You better send any minors with very vigilant travel companions who aren’t marks. Because your kids are. And you do have to go through major airports or Capitol cities to get to the rural homeland house…

Elderly and handicapped, lord some of you people are really drama queens.