Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you could hire someone to help with the cooking and the cleaning for a few hours in the afternoon or whenever.

This would free you up to sleep during the day when your baby sleeps.

Also, they do sell 3 sided cribs which attach to the side of your bed allowing you to nurse without leaving your bed. This is not co-sleeping and could be something you do for only a few weeks.

I think you should listen to your husband and remember that his needs are also important. That said he should be able to do the equivalent of the 10pm feeding and maybe one in the morning b4 he leaves.

Also if all the pumping and the feeding is getting to be too much for you and for him, maybe work on a compromise. Sometimes doctors are unrealistic.

OP here. We have a house cleaner every other wee for deep cleaning. I don't think we can afford a private chef.

We have a snoo. I do have to get up to change his dapper at each feed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

Op, your husband kind of sucks but you are also coming across as a bit of a martyr. Drop the pumping and supplement as needed with formula. Your child will benefit far more from a (semi) rested less stressed out parent than the extra breast milk. Also it sounds like you are fortunate enough to have the option of throwing money at the issue so get over your discomfort of having someone in your home and take advantage of it.

A night nurse wouldn't matter. OP would still have to get up to nurse and pump every 3 hours.

Or she could introduce formula

OP here. I do supplement but breastfeeding is important to my husband and I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever you law you do. At your next OB visit get an IUD. He’s telling you what kind of parent and partner he is, and while he might improve, I would not take any chances.

OP here. He is not a terrible father or partner. He does help out in other aspects as much as he can.

If you say so. Letting your partner do 100% of the night feedings sounds like someone who doesn’t care for their spouse or their child but only their beauty rest.

OP here. I think you're misunderstanding me. I never said he needed to do 100% of the feedings. I'm not sure where you got that from. I said I want him to continue to do the 1am feeding.

I’m afraid you’re the one misunderstanding me— your partner is expecting you to do 100%. You may think this is the actions of a loving husband and caring father, but it really isn’t. The studies on fathers who don’t do 50% of newborn care is that they continue not to do 50%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

Op, your husband kind of sucks but you are also coming across as a bit of a martyr. Drop the pumping and supplement as needed with formula. Your child will benefit far more from a (semi) rested less stressed out parent than the extra breast milk. Also it sounds like you are fortunate enough to have the option of throwing money at the issue so get over your discomfort of having someone in your home and take advantage of it.

A night nurse wouldn't matter. OP would still have to get up to nurse and pump every 3 hours.

Or she could introduce formula

OP here. I do supplement but breastfeeding is important to my husband and I.

Breastfeeding either isn’t important to your husband or he doesn’t understand the mechanism and needs to discuss it— mothers who don’t get sufficient rest have supply issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

Op, your husband kind of sucks but you are also coming across as a bit of a martyr. Drop the pumping and supplement as needed with formula. Your child will benefit far more from a (semi) rested less stressed out parent than the extra breast milk. Also it sounds like you are fortunate enough to have the option of throwing money at the issue so get over your discomfort of having someone in your home and take advantage of it.

A night nurse wouldn't matter. OP would still have to get up to nurse and pump every 3 hours.

Which she would do in the comfort of her bed, the nurse would bring her the baby and water at each feeding, then take away the baby for diapering and putting back to bed. Nurse would then take the pumped milk to the fridge. After the morning feeding nurse would take the baby while OP ate breakfast (which the nurse makes), showered and dressed for the day.

[Anonymous]

Your husband doesn't get to just opt out and skip the nightly interruptions b/c he needs a full night's sleep and squeeze in his gym workout before work. There's a reason dad bod sets in. He needs to suck it up and step up the plate and do his part.

[Anonymous]

You have a manchild as a husband.....He helped create this wonderful child and should be helping you. You have to breast feed all day, all night and pump in between? He needs to get over his big bad self and realize that getting up once at 1:00am still gives him multiple hours of sleep. This is what he signed up for when he fathered a child. His body did not go thru what yours did and his body is not the human milk machine. Step up, man....

[Anonymous]

I have a bigger job than my husband. I make twice as much as he does. He does more childcare than me. Yet when I was on maternity leave and I was not it felt only rational to me that I would wake up with the baby during the week. He would take Friday night so that I can catch up on sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

The fact that he won’t take a few weeks break from his 6am workout a couple of days a week makes him a jerk. You should really, really pay attention to this.

That said, you really are being a martyr. You have to do something differently to make this work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

GTFO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

GTFO.

Just let the baby scream or bring the baby in with him. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide

[Anonymous]

Maybe suggest that you are going to get a night nurse. If he wants to save the money, he can help with night feedings. If not, you will solve the problem with money. It's cheaper than divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever you law you do. At your next OB visit get an IUD. He’s telling you what kind of parent and partner he is, and while he might improve, I would not take any chances.

OP here. He is not a terrible father or partner. He does help out in other aspects as much as he can.

If you say so. Letting your partner do 100% of the night feedings sounds like someone who doesn’t care for their spouse or their child but only their beauty rest.

OP here. I think you're misunderstanding me. I never said he needed to do 100% of the feedings. I'm not sure where you got that from. I said I want him to continue to do the 1am feeding.

I’m afraid you’re the one misunderstanding me— your partner is expecting you to do 100%. You may think this is the actions of a loving husband and caring father, but it really isn’t. The studies on fathers who don’t do 50% of newborn care is that they continue not to do 50%.

This idea that only dads who do 50% of childcare for infants continue to do 50% over time isn’t true at all.
My husband was scared of babies. He did almost nothing. I was too tired to fight.
Then my career took off, and he does 80-90% now (middle schoolers). For instance I have no idea who our kids’ orthodontist even is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

What about a day nurse so you can get a good nap? Your DH will be home and awake, so maybe that is less stressful than having a stranger alone with the baby all night?

OP here. Do night nurses do day shifts? We would only be comfortable with a highly skilled newborn specialist. I would not want a regular nanny because we will likely be subjected to high turnover with PT hours.

I think postpartum doulas do day and night shifts. Maybe someone can recommend one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever you law you do. At your next OB visit get an IUD. He’s telling you what kind of parent and partner he is, and while he might improve, I would not take any chances.

OP here. He is not a terrible father or partner. He does help out in other aspects as much as he can.

If you say so. Letting your partner do 100% of the night feedings sounds like someone who doesn’t care for their spouse or their child but only their beauty rest.

OP here. I think you're misunderstanding me. I never said he needed to do 100% of the feedings. I'm not sure where you got that from. I said I want him to continue to do the 1am feeding.

I’m afraid you’re the one misunderstanding me— your partner is expecting you to do 100%. You may think this is the actions of a loving husband and caring father, but it really isn’t. The studies on fathers who don’t do 50% of newborn care is that they continue not to do 50%.

This idea that only dads who do 50% of childcare for infants continue to do 50% over time isn’t true at all.
My husband was scared of babies. He did almost nothing. I was too tired to fight.
Then my career took off, and he does 80-90% now (middle schoolers). For instance I have no idea who our kids’ orthodontist even is.

I’m glad that was the outcome in your case, but studies have shown that most fathers of newborns who don’t take on parenting responsibility do not improve over time. A cursory read of the board for infants, toddlers, school age etc. will show you a whole host of fathers who care more for their sleep and workout than their kid.