Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

I had the same problem and simply brought the baby to bed with me. This went on for two babies.
This sort of dynamic lasted many years where I was in charge of them nearly 24/7.
This hands off attitude contributed to the marital dissolution.

OP, your husband needs to make an effort. The downhill slide starts early, that momentum builds into a status quo and the marriage becomes more fragile.
If he values his marriage and you, he will share the burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

Op, your husband kind of sucks but you are also coming across as a bit of a martyr. Drop the pumping and supplement as needed with formula. Your child will benefit far more from a (semi) rested less stressed out parent than the extra breast milk. Also it sounds like you are fortunate enough to have the option of throwing money at the issue so get over your discomfort of having someone in your home and take advantage of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the same problem and simply brought the baby to bed with me. This went on for two babies.
This sort of dynamic lasted many years where I was in charge of them nearly 24/7.
This hands off attitude contributed to the marital dissolution.

OP, your husband needs to make an effort. The downhill slide starts early, that momentum builds into a status quo and the marriage becomes more fragile.
If he values his marriage and you, he will share the burden.

OP here. I'm not trying to sound like I'm rejecting advice, but I'm fully against co-sleeping. He sleeps well during the night ( in the snoo) but he still is really little and needs to eat often at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

Op, your husband kind of sucks but you are also coming across as a bit of a martyr. Drop the pumping and supplement as needed with formula. Your child will benefit far more from a (semi) rested less stressed out parent than the extra breast milk. Also it sounds like you are fortunate enough to have the option of throwing money at the issue so get over your discomfort of having someone in your home and take advantage of it.

A night nurse wouldn't matter. OP would still have to get up to nurse and pump every 3 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

It's going to be hard but you can do it. I had a preemie that had to be fed every three hours. The feed would last around a half hour and then she had to be upright for a half hour because of reflux. Then I pumped. Then I slept maybe an hour. I did that on my own for about a month as my husband was deployed. I was staying with my parents and they took care of everything else.

As others have said, this is a short period of time even if it is brutal. With the challenges you are facing I do think your husband should pitch in for the late night feeding or the early morning. I also think you should consider supplementing with formula if your supply isn't getting better. With my first I was SAH for her first year. I exclusively BF for awhile and pumped b/c of low supply. My supply never got much better - it was a losing battle and wasn't worth the stress.

My pumping turned out to be all for naught (long story)

[Anonymous]

I was breastfeeding and never pumped until back to work, so I did all the day and night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

What about a day nurse so you can get a good nap? Your DH will be home and awake, so maybe that is less stressful than having a stranger alone with the baby all night?

[Anonymous]

1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

[Anonymous]

OP you could hire someone to help with the cooking and the cleaning for a few hours in the afternoon or whenever.

This would free you up to sleep during the day when your baby sleeps.

Also, they do sell 3 sided cribs which attach to the side of your bed allowing you to nurse without leaving your bed. This is not co-sleeping and could be something you do for only a few weeks.

I think you should listen to your husband and remember that his needs are also important. That said he should be able to do the equivalent of the 10pm feeding and maybe one in the morning b4 he leaves.

Also if all the pumping and the feeding is getting to be too much for you and for him, maybe work on a compromise. Sometimes doctors are unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Mom here, Not reading the other replies. I think if you are on leave and he is working, it's not unreasonable for you to take the night feedings. I hope you are able to get rest on the weekends and that he is taking early mornings and evenings after work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

Op, your husband kind of sucks but you are also coming across as a bit of a martyr. Drop the pumping and supplement as needed with formula. Your child will benefit far more from a (semi) rested less stressed out parent than the extra breast milk. Also it sounds like you are fortunate enough to have the option of throwing money at the issue so get over your discomfort of having someone in your home and take advantage of it.

A night nurse wouldn't matter. OP would still have to get up to nurse and pump every 3 hours.

Or she could introduce formula

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

It's going to be hard but you can do it. I had a preemie that had to be fed every three hours. The feed would last around a half hour and then she had to be upright for a half hour because of reflux. Then I pumped. Then I slept maybe an hour. I did that on my own for about a month as my husband was deployed. I was staying with my parents and they took care of everything else.

As others have said, this is a short period of time even if it is brutal. With the challenges you are facing I do think your husband should pitch in for the late night feeding or the early morning. I also think you should consider supplementing with formula if your supply isn't getting better. With my first I was SAH for her first year. I exclusively BF for awhile and pumped b/c of low supply. My supply never got much better - it was a losing battle and wasn't worth the stress.

My pumping turned out to be all for naught (long story)

OP here. I make a decent amount of milk. It's important to my husband and I that he gets breast milk for at least 3 months. I do supplement 1-2 feeds a day.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone needs one 5 hour stretch. Whatever it takes to get that.

He needs to stay up to do a dream feed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

What about a day nurse so you can get a good nap? Your DH will be home and awake, so maybe that is less stressful than having a stranger alone with the baby all night?

OP here. Do night nurses do day shifts? We would only be comfortable with a highly skilled newborn specialist. I would not want a regular nanny because we will likely be subjected to high turnover with PT hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.