Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

No, absolutely no. Just because he is back at work doesn't mean he gets to act like there is no baby. Life has changed. Parents do not sleep all night every night. Parents do not get to go to the gym every day when there is a newborn.

OP, you tried to say he is a good guy. He is not acting like one. He had a child with you and now wants to live his old life no matter the cost to you or your child. People in this thread are worried about him driving when they should be worried about you smothering the baby because you fell asleep while feeding him.

He is a parent. He needs to grow up and act like one. Sometimes parenting sucks. He needs to step up and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I did all of the “night” feedings for the 1st year of both of my kids (and I am the breadwinner and have a more demanding job). The catch is that I am a morning person and my husband is a night owl, so I would feed the baby and go to bed at 7:30/8pm. He would take care of the baby as needed until 12-1am.

I also never washed a single pump part. He froze and labeled the milk, made daycare bottles, washed all bottles and pump parts, and changed diapers after work until 12/1am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

No, absolutely no. Just because he is back at work doesn't mean he gets to act like there is no baby. Life has changed. Parents do not sleep all night every night. Parents do not get to go to the gym every day when there is a newborn.

OP, you tried to say he is a good guy. He is not acting like one. He had a child with you and now wants to live his old life no matter the cost to you or your child. People in this thread are worried about him driving when they should be worried about you smothering the baby because you fell asleep while feeding him.


He is a parent. He needs to grow up and act like one. Sometimes parenting sucks. He needs to step up and deal with it.

This. He doesn’t get to work out at 6am 5 days a week. The baby will not be in this phase forever. He can workout 2-3 mornings a week and take care of the baby. He doesn’t get to do nothing while you do everything just because you are on leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

I had to get over that fast as I brought preterm multiples home with no one to help. If you just brought in a night nurse two nights a week, you could both have two nights of uninterrupted sleep.

Yup. Set the house alarm, maybe a nanny cam, and hire.

[Anonymous]

You’re on maternity leave to take care of the baby. Your husband is back at work. If you want to split nighttime feedings with him then return to work.

You’re likely subconsciously upset he’s back at work and has more of his old life than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s 100% wrong.

You need to give him three choices, all of which are predicated on the fact that it is not safe for you to care for a newborn without getting sleep, particularly while you are still recovering from delivery. His choices are as follows:

1. He takes one feed, per night, ideally the first one so he has plenty of time to get back to sleep for work.

2. You hire a night nurse 5x week. Hush Hush Little Baby was pretty solidly recommended pre-COVID. He still wakes up on weekends.

3. A friend or relative of your choice moves in for awhile, probably your mother, to step into the role your husband is abdicating as parent.

+1

[Anonymous]

You and your husband both have a lot of demands and plans for 2 people who don't know what the hell they are doing.

Your husband doing the 2 am feeding is great.

It's also great that he's doing slot of cooking and cleaning and care on the weekends.

He should take one more feeding. He can do the morning feeding. He's exercising at 6 and the baby gets up at 7. He doesn't need 1 to 2 hours to get ready for work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

No, absolutely no. Just because he is back at work doesn't mean he gets to act like there is no baby. Life has changed. Parents do not sleep all night every night. Parents do not get to go to the gym every day when there is a newborn.

OP, you tried to say he is a good guy. He is not acting like one. He had a child with you and now wants to live his old life no matter the cost to you or your child. People in this thread are worried about him driving when they should be worried about you smothering the baby because you fell asleep while feeding him.

He is a parent. He needs to grow up and act like one. Sometimes parenting sucks. He needs to step up and deal with it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

No, absolutely no. Just because he is back at work doesn't mean he gets to act like there is no baby. Life has changed. Parents do not sleep all night every night. Parents do not get to go to the gym every day when there is a newborn.

OP, you tried to say he is a good guy. He is not acting like one. He had a child with you and now wants to live his old life no matter the cost to you or your child. People in this thread are worried about him driving when they should be worried about you smothering the baby because you fell asleep while feeding him.

He is a parent. He needs to grow up and act like one. Sometimes parenting sucks. He needs to step up and deal with it.

Your response is crazy and overly dramatic. The DH is going to work to pay the bills. He likely can’t take any more time off. It makes zero sense for one parent to return to work and also be in charge of night feedings.

OP - learn to take naps during the day and go on stroller walks for exercise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

What about a day nurse so you can get a good nap? Your DH will be home and awake, so maybe that is less stressful than having a stranger alone with the baby all night?

OP here. Do night nurses do day shifts? We would only be comfortable with a highly skilled newborn specialist. I would not want a regular nanny because we will likely be subjected to high turnover with PT hours.

If you could get comfortable napping around a professional night nurse, you can get comfortable with one coming at night. If you are already supplementing 1-2 feeds, you can make that 3 am feed a formula feed for the night nurse to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about he takes feeding until midnight, then you do through the night until he’s awake and he does a feeding before work?

OP here. This is similar to what we are doing now. I feed the baby ( 5 weeks old) his last feed around 10pm, shower, and go to bed. He will wake up around 1am and my husband will feed him. He wakes up from there 1-2 times more - around 3/4 and 5/6am and I get up with him. My husband would do the morning feed at 7/8am. Now he works 8am - 5/6pm most days and doesn't think he can wake up at 1am or doing the morning feed because he is getting ready around 7am.

Yeah, but he's going back to work. I'm on your husband's side on this particular issue. Sorry.

Same here.

Me three

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

No, absolutely no. Just because he is back at work doesn't mean he gets to act like there is no baby. Life has changed. Parents do not sleep all night every night. Parents do not get to go to the gym every day when there is a newborn.

OP, you tried to say he is a good guy. He is not acting like one. He had a child with you and now wants to live his old life no matter the cost to you or your child. People in this thread are worried about him driving when they should be worried about you smothering the baby because you fell asleep while feeding him.

He is a parent. He needs to grow up and act like one. Sometimes parenting sucks. He needs to step up and deal with it.

Your response is crazy and overly dramatic. The DH is going to work to pay the bills. He likely can’t take any more time off. It makes zero sense for one parent to return to work and also be in charge of night feedings.

OP - learn to take naps during the day and go on stroller walks for exercise.

I think you’re the one being dramatic— doing one late or one late or one early feed is not “in charge” of night feedings.

[Anonymous]

Something doesn’t sound right to me - you are pumping, nursing AND supplementing? Maybe change the order of things to stretch out the time between feedings. How about he feeds the baby a formula bottle at 11pm, thus giving you a longer stretch of sleep that may also increase your production before the next feeding?

BTW, doctors and lactation consultants can advise you, but only you and your baby know how to work this out. Why are you pumping on maternity leave? It is really helping your supply more than exclusively breast feeding?

I totally get the desire to supply your own milk, but sometimes your baby needs more than you can make. Also, are YOU drinking and eating enough, in addition to napping whenever the baby does? Helps a LOT with supply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a big deal. You are home during the day and can nap, he is right. You said your newborn is waking 2-3 times per night. That shouldn’t be an extreme hardship. You can do it. Nap during the day. Make sure you sleep train before your maternity leave is done.

I nursed 3 babies for over a year each. They woke up every 2 hrs for the first couple months and probably twice a night for a while after that. I didn’t feel like it was an insurmountable hardship.

OP here. The pediatrician said we can't sleep train before 6 months.

You can sleep trsin before 6 months.

You can learn to do quicker diaper changes or no diaper changes at all except poopy ones overnight.
You can learn to streamline your meals.
You can supplement with formula and work towards more 3 hour stretches between feeds.
You can insist your husband do at least 2 feeding shifts or at least split the evening until before and after midnight.
He just doesn't get to say no.
You can hire someone to help you out around the house and organize a healthy routine for the baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband both have a lot of demands and plans for 2 people who don't know what the hell they are doing.

Your husband doing the 2 am feeding is great.

It's also great that he's doing slot of cooking and cleaning and care on the weekends.

He should take one more feeding. He can do the morning feeding. He's exercising at 6 and the baby gets up at 7. He doesn't need 1 to 2 hours to get ready for work

How do you know they don't know what they're doing?