Can I expect brother to shoulder more of the financial burden when and if our mom needs help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

You are either a troll or you need to find a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

It doesn’t matter whether you think he “should shoulder more of the financial burden.” He isn’t going to.

You need a new therapist,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.

I think what’s most important to me in this scenario is asserting boundaries. In addition to providing vastly different levels of support between my brother and me, she also ignored signs of the sexual abuse I was experiencing (after my first grade teacher evidently called a meeting with her), provided resume support and networking opportunities for my brother (but not me), and even petty stuff like getting my brother nice Christmas presents while getting me crappy ones (typically clothing several sizes larger than I wear). On top of everything, she was severely emotionally and physically abusive.

If this sounds like sour grapes, it is! I don’t feel like I owe her anything, frankly, now or ever. I think it would be much harder for my brother to say the same.

This is all valid until the last sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.

I think what’s most important to me in this scenario is asserting boundaries. In addition to providing vastly different levels of support between my brother and me, she also ignored signs of the sexual abuse I was experiencing (after my first grade teacher evidently called a meeting with her), provided resume support and networking opportunities for my brother (but not me), and even petty stuff like getting my brother nice Christmas presents while getting me crappy ones (typically clothing several sizes larger than I wear). On top of everything, she was severely emotionally and physically abusive.

If this sounds like sour grapes, it is! I don’t feel like I owe her anything, frankly, now or ever. I think it would be much harder for my brother to say the same.

This is all valid until the last sentence.

OP here and I agree with your sentiment, but my mom very much likes to keep score and will definitely lord the resources she’s provided over my brother. At least that’s one positive of not having gotten support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

No. It's not reasonable for you to expect that. Also, no one has an obligation to financially support a parent. But your support of your parent is totally and utterly unrelated to your brother's. Also, he's a lot younger than you, so he's not going to have extra money to support her at this time.

The others are telling you to go to therapy because you're being so completely unreasonable that no one wants to say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

No. It's not reasonable for you to expect that. Also, no one has an obligation to financially support a parent. But your support of your parent is totally and utterly unrelated to your brother's. Also, he's a lot younger than you, so he's not going to have extra money to support her at this time.

The others are telling you to go to therapy because you're being so completely unreasonable that no one wants to say it.

NP. I don’t think OP is being unreasonable at all. By the time their mother needs help they will both be deep into their working lives - and brother demonstrably has had several wins in his early life, afforded by mom, that we’re not afforded to OP.

[Anonymous]

^were

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a similar background, except I have 2 siblings who got and continue to get all the financial support from my parents.

I try to focus on what I can control and that's the amount I am willing to help my parents in the future. It's going to be very minimal. No one has asked me yet, but when they do I will be ready.

While I'd love to have a conversation with my siblings and get them to understand and see me....that will never happen. My siblings aren't capable of looking past how "wonderful" my parents are to them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

Your money is your money. The only person you need to talk to here is your mom, once, whenever she finally says something like “You’ll be supporting me.” And the only thing you have to say is “No.” This is not a negotiation with anyone, especially your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

No. It's not reasonable for you to expect that. Also, no one has an obligation to financially support a parent. But your support of your parent is totally and utterly unrelated to your brother's. Also, he's a lot younger than you, so he's not going to have extra money to support her at this time.

The others are telling you to go to therapy because you're being so completely unreasonable that no one wants to say it.

NP. I don’t think OP is being unreasonable at all. By the time their mother needs help they will both be deep into their working lives - and brother demonstrably has had several wins in his early life, afforded by mom, that we’re not afforded to OP.

But what you and OP don’t seem to get us that “fairness” means nothing with respect to expectations. It isn’t reasonable for OP to expect anything. That isn’t how things work. To the contrary, usually the female is expected to manage elder care.

If I was OP I would want to be much more clear-eyed about that now, rather than be blindsided by it when it occurs. Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you really just want your mom and brother to see how much they’ve hurt you, and you want them to acknowledge it.. I don’t think you are ever going to get the validation you are seeking from them.

It seems unhealthy to fixate on this hypothetical future demand and likely you need more space from that side of your family to find alternate sources of support.

If nothing else that will signal to everyone that you are not open to being heavily relied upon in the future.

[Anonymous]

Our opinion does not matter, your brother's does.

I think if both children are generally making enough money (i.e., are not from drastically different socioeconomic strata) it seems logical that they would split the costs once Mom has run out of her own money.

I don't think you should reach back to resentment of whether more was spent on your brother growing up. He may not have even had any control over that. Perhaps your mother did it because she got more child support from his dad OR she favored him. Neither of those are his fault.

You should be happy you have enough now and try to be fair and objective with your brother (the baggage you are lugging around is not healthy for you). If you think the conversation will get heated, seek the services of a professional mediator to discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.

I think what’s most important to me in this scenario is asserting boundaries. In addition to providing vastly different levels of support between my brother and me, she also ignored signs of the sexual abuse I was experiencing (after my first grade teacher evidently called a meeting with her), provided resume support and networking opportunities for my brother (but not me), and even petty stuff like getting my brother nice Christmas presents while getting me crappy ones (typically clothing several sizes larger than I wear). On top of everything, she was severely emotionally and physically abusive.

If this sounds like sour grapes, it is! I don’t feel like I owe her anything, frankly, now or ever. I think it would be much harder for my brother to say the same.

Stop deciding what your brother should pay. That will be HIS decision, perhaps, at some point down the road.

You can think about whether you feel any obligation to support your mom. Though if she dies tomorrow of a heart attack, this whole discussion is a moot point.

You clearly have tons of emotional baggage around how you were raised. I am sorry that you suffered trauma as a child. I am glad you are in therapy.

Your brother is not the problem or the solution. Perhaps he is like a hairshirt to you, because he is proof that your mom can be a different type of parent. So you wonder why he got the better version of her. I suspect, that she did not actually suddenly turn into a great mom to parent him. And if I am right, "getting" to live with her longer is no prize.

Congratulations on escaping abusive environments twice. I hope your current husband is loving and stable. Focus on your present, not your past (or future, for that matter). Continue therapy. Find peace.