Reply to Can I expect brother to shoulder more of the financial burden when and if our mom needs help?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do. [/quote]

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom. [/quote]

OP here.  I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home).  If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded.  Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.[/quote]

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on. [/quote]

I am in therapy and have been for a long time.  Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another?  I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged.  His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.*  Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support.  I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.[/quote]

No.  It's not reasonable for you to expect that.  Also, no one has an obligation to financially support a parent.  But your support of your parent is totally and utterly unrelated to your brother's.  Also, he's a lot younger than you, so he's not going to have extra money to support her at this time.

The others are telling you to go to therapy because you're being so completely unreasonable that no one wants to say it.[/quote]

NP.  I don’t think OP is being unreasonable at all.  By the time their mother needs help they will both be deep into their working lives - and brother demonstrably has had several wins in his early life, afforded by mom, that we’re not afforded to OP.[/quote]

But what you and OP don’t seem to get us that “fairness” means nothing with respect to expectations.  It isn’t reasonable for OP to expect anything.  That isn’t how things work.  To the contrary, usually the female is expected to manage elder care.

If I was OP I would want to be much more clear-eyed about that now, rather than be blindsided by it when it occurs.  Get therapy.[/quote]

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