Can I expect brother to shoulder more of the financial burden when and if our mom needs help?

[Anonymous]

Our mother is a very difficult person who’s always overtly preferred my brother and provided much more support to him than she gave me. We have different dads (she’s divorced from both).

Mom paid for brother to go to private school, paid for his undergrad education, and has enabled him to live at home since graduating in 2019 (he’s 26 now). She gave him a car, pays for insurance etc. He doesn’t even pay his cell phone bill. He is looking to purchase a condo and refuses to move out to rent - which our mom (and his dad) enable. Fine.

I went to public school and moved out when I was 18 and was entirely financially independent from that age. I always worked at least part-time while going to school, which I took out student loans for. It took me years to finish undergrad (finally finished when I was in my late twenties). When I left my abusive exH with two kids mom provided no support/help - which of course she wasn’t obligated to do, but which stung when I saw how she coddled my brother.

I make okay money - and my now husband makes very good money - but I think my brother should carry more of the burden to support our mom’s future needs, given the tremendous financial and logistical support he’s been provided. Is this a fair and reasonable expectation? Is this a conversation I should start with him now?

[Anonymous]

In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

[Anonymous]

You can expect whatever you want, but keep in mind your brother expects to continue to be financially supported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our mother is a very difficult person who’s always overtly preferred my brother and provided much more support to him than she gave me. We have different dads (she’s divorced from both).

Mom paid for brother to go to private school, paid for his undergrad education, and has enabled him to live at home since graduating in 2019 (he’s 26 now). She gave him a car, pays for insurance etc. He doesn’t even pay his cell phone bill. He is looking to purchase a condo and refuses to move out to rent - which our mom (and his dad) enable. Fine.

I went to public school and moved out when I was 18 and was entirely financially independent from that age. I always worked at least part-time while going to school, which I took out student loans for. It took me years to finish undergrad (finally finished when I was in my late twenties). When I left my abusive exH with two kids mom provided no support/help - which of course she wasn’t obligated to do, but which stung when I saw how she coddled my brother.

I make okay money - and my now husband makes very good money - but I think my brother should carry more of the burden to support our mom’s future needs, given the tremendous financial and logistical support he’s been provided. Is this a fair and reasonable expectation? Is this a conversation I should start with him now?

It seems odd that you are upset about a hypothetical.

But the bean counting is odder.

Do you have a therapist who can help you correct your thinking? This just isn’t normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our mother is a very difficult person who’s always overtly preferred my brother and provided much more support to him than she gave me. We have different dads (she’s divorced from both).

Mom paid for brother to go to private school, paid for his undergrad education, and has enabled him to live at home since graduating in 2019 (he’s 26 now). She gave him a car, pays for insurance etc. He doesn’t even pay his cell phone bill. He is looking to purchase a condo and refuses to move out to rent - which our mom (and his dad) enable. Fine.

I went to public school and moved out when I was 18 and was entirely financially independent from that age. I always worked at least part-time while going to school, which I took out student loans for. It took me years to finish undergrad (finally finished when I was in my late twenties). When I left my abusive exH with two kids mom provided no support/help - which of course she wasn’t obligated to do, but which stung when I saw how she coddled my brother.

I make okay money - and my now husband makes very good money - but I think my brother should carry more of the burden to support our mom’s future needs, given the tremendous financial and logistical support he’s been provided. Is this a fair and reasonable expectation? Is this a conversation I should start with him now?

It seems odd that you are upset about a hypothetical.

But the bean counting is odder.

Do you have a therapist who can help you correct your thinking? This just isn’t normal.

I agree that providing children with wildly different levels of support is abnormal.

I disagree that this is hypothetical - generally, aging people eventually need some level of support in their later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our mother is a very difficult person who’s always overtly preferred my brother and provided much more support to him than she gave me. We have different dads (she’s divorced from both).

Mom paid for brother to go to private school, paid for his undergrad education, and has enabled him to live at home since graduating in 2019 (he’s 26 now). She gave him a car, pays for insurance etc. He doesn’t even pay his cell phone bill. He is looking to purchase a condo and refuses to move out to rent - which our mom (and his dad) enable. Fine.

I went to public school and moved out when I was 18 and was entirely financially independent from that age. I always worked at least part-time while going to school, which I took out student loans for. It took me years to finish undergrad (finally finished when I was in my late twenties). When I left my abusive exH with two kids mom provided no support/help - which of course she wasn’t obligated to do, but which stung when I saw how she coddled my brother.

I make okay money - and my now husband makes very good money - but I think my brother should carry more of the burden to support our mom’s future needs, given the tremendous financial and logistical support he’s been provided. Is this a fair and reasonable expectation? Is this a conversation I should start with him now?

It seems odd that you are upset about a hypothetical.

But the bean counting is odder.

Do you have a therapist who can help you correct your thinking? This just isn’t normal.

I agree that providing children with wildly different levels of support is abnormal.

I disagree that this is hypothetical - generally, aging people eventually need some level of support in their later years.

I am saying her fixation and bean counting is not normal. Or healthy.

And she is worrying about a hypothetical. Or at least something that hasn’t happened yet. There’s no indication at all that their mother is destitute or may become destitute. This is about her wanting something else to be angry about. Again, not normal.

What is the age distance between the siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp that it is a bit odd to be thinking about this hypothetical now. Is your mother ill? Retired? Running out of assets?

I also agree that you have a lot of resentment against your brother for things that may not be his fault. Was your mother married to his father when you graduated college and you were not welcome to move in with them to save money or there was no room for you? Or did you really not want to even live with the three of them? You just wish you had the scenario your brother currently has of living alone with your mom for a few years, rent-free, to save money.

Life doesn’t work out the way we would like it to but it sounds like you are doing well now. As for your brother, he is 26. He has delayed entry into the real world of bills etc but he will learn. And if he stays entitled, you can just keep your distance and roll your eyes.

[Anonymous]

I give you permission to walk away from financially supporting you mother in her retirement years.

You have no control over what your brother decides.

I would not discuss this with your brother now or ever really.

If mom brings up anything about you looking after her, I might mention something. Maybe say that you understood she anticipated brother would be her caregiver given he was provided much more in life.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, I do not have any advice. For the PP who say it's odd to feel resentful or that this is 'bean counting' etc, clearly they did not live a situation like this. For a myriad of reasons parents do a tremendous disservice to all of their children when they do things like this. I have seen it firsthand with my ILs and it absolutely breeds resentment.

Unfortunately in our case my ILs have also made it clear that they expect us, despite my DH receiving none of the financial support and luxuries that have been given to his sibling, to do their bidding in their older age. This expectation of course will likely not match reality but they definitely think DH's sibling is too special to run errands or do whatever tasks for them so l wouldn't be surprised OP if you are treated similarly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can expect whatever you want, but keep in mind your brother expects to continue to be financially supported.

+1

[Anonymous]

When I made more I helped more. Now my brother makes 6X what I do and helps the most financially.