Can I expect brother to shoulder more of the financial burden when and if our mom needs help?

[Anonymous]

Your story is hard to follow. If you don’t want to fund your mother’s later years, then don’t. Let your brother figure out what he’s able to provide and they can piece it all together with her assets and any government aid. You should also consider the physical support she will need - having your brother take care of her physical needs while you get to live hours away and not be responsible for her, is also worth a dollar amount. Sitters are incredibly expensive, as is assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.

I think what’s most important to me in this scenario is asserting boundaries. In addition to providing vastly different levels of support between my brother and me, she also ignored signs of the sexual abuse I was experiencing (after my first grade teacher evidently called a meeting with her), provided resume support and networking opportunities for my brother (but not me), and even petty stuff like getting my brother nice Christmas presents while getting me crappy ones (typically clothing several sizes larger than I wear). On top of everything, she was severely emotionally and physically abusive.

If this sounds like sour grapes, it is! I don’t feel like I owe her anything, frankly, now or ever. I think it would be much harder for my brother to say the same.

So what? OP, please consider finding another therapist because if this is where you are after a lot of therapy with your current provider, you aren't making progress.

At this point though, I'm beginning to think you are a troll. The details you keep adding are more dramatic each time ("step dad slapped me" "kicked out at 13" "sexual abuse ignored") and are starting to feel made up, especially since you're also claiming you want your kids to have a relationship with your mother. All of it is irrational so either stop trolling or get off DCUM and get yourself to a new therapist who can help you set boundaries and stop blaming those who have done nothing wrong.

I am not a troll. I also don’t know what satisfactory progress would look like given what I’ve experienced. Writing this post/engaging with this thread is making me rethink whether I want my mom in my life at all.

[Anonymous]

What’s the age gap between you and brother?

[Anonymous]

So why do you want her to have a relationship with your kids? Seems odd to allow someone who treated you so badly to enter into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the age gap between you and brother?

Ten years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our mother is a very difficult person who’s always overtly preferred my brother and provided much more support to him than she gave me. We have different dads (she’s divorced from both).

Mom paid for brother to go to private school, paid for his undergrad education, and has enabled him to live at home since graduating in 2019 (he’s 26 now). She gave him a car, pays for insurance etc. He doesn’t even pay his cell phone bill. He is looking to purchase a condo and refuses to move out to rent - which our mom (and his dad) enable. Fine.

I went to public school and moved out when I was 18 and was entirely financially independent from that age. I always worked at least part-time while going to school, which I took out student loans for. It took me years to finish undergrad (finally finished when I was in my late twenties). When I left my abusive exH with two kids mom provided no support/help - which of course she wasn’t obligated to do, but which stung when I saw how she coddled my brother.

I make okay money - and my now husband makes very good money - but I think my brother should carry more of the burden to support our mom’s future needs, given the tremendous financial and logistical support he’s been provided. Is this a fair and reasonable expectation? Is this a conversation I should start with him now?

The issue isn't your mom but two separate sets of parents and his dad wasn't supporting you. Your mom got her money from his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So why do you want her to have a relationship with your kids? Seems odd to allow someone who treated you so badly to enter into their lives.

I am inclined to agree, but as a grandmother, she’s really quite loving/doting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our mother is a very difficult person who’s always overtly preferred my brother and provided much more support to him than she gave me. We have different dads (she’s divorced from both).

Mom paid for brother to go to private school, paid for his undergrad education, and has enabled him to live at home since graduating in 2019 (he’s 26 now). She gave him a car, pays for insurance etc. He doesn’t even pay his cell phone bill. He is looking to purchase a condo and refuses to move out to rent - which our mom (and his dad) enable. Fine.

I went to public school and moved out when I was 18 and was entirely financially independent from that age. I always worked at least part-time while going to school, which I took out student loans for. It took me years to finish undergrad (finally finished when I was in my late twenties). When I left my abusive exH with two kids mom provided no support/help - which of course she wasn’t obligated to do, but which stung when I saw how she coddled my brother.

I make okay money - and my now husband makes very good money - but I think my brother should carry more of the burden to support our mom’s future needs, given the tremendous financial and logistical support he’s been provided. Is this a fair and reasonable expectation? Is this a conversation I should start with him now?

The issue isn't your mom but two separate sets of parents and his dad wasn't supporting you. Your mom got her money from his dad.

My mom did not get her money from his dad. They were both working professionals and earned about the same. They separated when my brother was 5.

My dad also made about the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can expect whatever you want, but keep in mind your brother expects to continue to be financially supported.

x100000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why do you want her to have a relationship with your kids? Seems odd to allow someone who treated you so badly to enter into their lives.

I am inclined to agree, but as a grandmother, she’s really quite loving/doting.

This doesn’t matter. Terrible people don’t get to hang out with my kids even if they are perfectly nice to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything, I’d share all of your feelings about how you felt were treated unfairly with your mom just so you have closure. I’d not tie it to her eventual elder care but more that you need to have this conversation to finally let it go for your own healing.

Then, I’d just do what you feel comfortable with at the time any support is needed. Perhaps your brother will step up but perhaps he won’t. Just focus on what you can give ( emotionally and financially) at the time. So sorry you were treated so unfairly.

NP. You can do this, of course, but please be prepared that you may not get the answer/response of contrition/compassion/regret that you seek. I've just seen this happen recently with my MIL/SIL. SIL felt she was not afforded the same encouragement/kindness that her brothers (including my husband) received. It's probably true. But she shared her feelings and MIL hasn't given her the type of closure she needs. In fact, they are now estranged.

Please deal with your issues with a therapist, and lean on your current family (husband, kids, friends) for emotional support to work through this. Then, as PP says, give what you are able to (emotionally and financially). If it's nothing, that's okay too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

I agree. Your brother is wise to profit from the support his mother is willing to give him. He's not stealing it. They're giving it to him, and he's smart to recognize the long-term financial implications. Did you ever ask your mother for help at any point?

You don't have to give your mother anything, OP. Neither does your brother, although it would be nice if he did. If he still lives in the same house, it would be great if he could supervise her care, with the help of paid caregivers.

[Anonymous]

If there's a 10 year difference in age, as well as two different fathers, perhaps your mother was not in a position to help you when you were in school, OP, but her circumstances changed with your brother. Perhaps her outlook also changed: she saw that you had a hard time of it, and decided not to make that same mistake with your brother. There could be many legitimate explanations as to why you were treated so differently.

Anyway. Bottom line is, you don't need to pick up any slack if your brother is unwilling to help his mother.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you should absolutely start this fight with your brother if you want to guarantee that you will have no relationship with him in the future. Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

YOUR ISSUE IS WOTH YOUR MOM, NOT YOUR BROTHER!!!
Focus on her. Your brother did nothing wrong and you cannot obligate him to anything.