Can I expect brother to shoulder more of the financial burden when and if our mom needs help?

[Anonymous]

How old is your mother?
What is her health situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

Is it reasonable to think that he should provide more support in the future? Sure. Is it reasonable to "start a conversation" about it - in other words, to tell him that he needs to pay more? Absolutely not. As a PP said, you can control what you do, not what others do. I'll take it a step further - you can have an opinion on how much money your brother should spend, but you should keep it to yourself. You have no right to tell him how to spend his money.

Also, you really should try to reframe the way you think about this. If your brother had significantly more money than you, that's one thing, but that doesn't appear to be the case. In fact, your family seems to be doing better than he is. You're coming at this, as others have said from a bean counter perspective - you got X as a child, while he got Y, so when your mother needs support, you will provide X, and you expect him to provide Y.

The only think you get to decide is what you will provide in the future. You don't have any right to tell him that he needs to make up the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your mother kicked you out of the house at 13?? What prompted this? And, why do you have a relationship with her now?

OP here. My stepdad slapped me across the face and the next day I “ran away” (I didn’t go to school and hung around Dupont Circle.) I called a friend at about 8 pm and went to her house. The next day I went to school and when my mom picked me up she told me I was moving in with my dad.

I have a relationship with her now mostly due to my kids. I think if I didn’t have kids she would still be patently uninterested in me/my life.

I'm sorry, OP.

The real question is why you are so desperate to have her interested in your life? You are not describing a kind and supportive presence in your life. And why do you want to foster a relationship between your mom and your kids? As another PP mentioned, how are you going to feel when the golden child/black sheep dynamic continues on when your brother has kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your mother kicked you out of the house at 13?? What prompted this? And, why do you have a relationship with her now?

OP here. My stepdad slapped me across the face and the next day I “ran away” (I didn’t go to school and hung around Dupont Circle.) I called a friend at about 8 pm and went to her house. The next day I went to school and when my mom picked me up she told me I was moving in with my dad.

I have a relationship with her now mostly due to my kids. I think if I didn’t have kids she would still be patently uninterested in me/my life.

Do you think your children benefit from the relationship? Do you she will treat them similarly when your brother has his own children?

How often do you see your mother now?

OP here. She really adores them and treats them comparatively very well - she dotes on them. I’m not sure my brother will ever have kids but I think she would treat his equally as well, although I fear for his future wife (she doesn’t like women in general).

I see my mom 3-4x a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your mother kicked you out of the house at 13?? What prompted this? And, why do you have a relationship with her now?

OP here. My stepdad slapped me across the face and the next day I “ran away” (I didn’t go to school and hung around Dupont Circle.) I called a friend at about 8 pm and went to her house. The next day I went to school and when my mom picked me up she told me I was moving in with my dad.

I have a relationship with her now mostly due to my kids. I think if I didn’t have kids she would still be patently uninterested in me/my life.

I'm sorry, OP.

The real question is why you are so desperate to have her interested in your life? You are not describing a kind and supportive presence in your life. And why do you want to foster a relationship between your mom and your kids? As another PP mentioned, how are you going to feel when the golden child/black sheep dynamic continues on when your brother has kids?

I am not sure. I think because I’m estranged from my dad I feel a need to hold on to this remaining parental relationship.

I’m not sure how to carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your mother kicked you out of the house at 13?? What prompted this? And, why do you have a relationship with her now?

OP here. My stepdad slapped me across the face and the next day I “ran away” (I didn’t go to school and hung around Dupont Circle.) I called a friend at about 8 pm and went to her house. The next day I went to school and when my mom picked me up she told me I was moving in with my dad.

I have a relationship with her now mostly due to my kids. I think if I didn’t have kids she would still be patently uninterested in me/my life.

Do you think your children benefit from the relationship? Do you she will treat them similarly when your brother has his own children?

How often do you see your mother now?

OP here. She really adores them and treats them comparatively very well - she dotes on them. I’m not sure my brother will ever have kids but I think she would treat his equally as well, although I fear for his future wife (she doesn’t like women in general).

I see my mom 3-4x a year.

3-4 times a year is fine. It isn’t too much for you. I would work with your therapist to learn how to keep your distance if she wants more. I would also caution that once your children grow out of the cute stage, she may not be as attentive to them. If your brother does marry and have children, she may switch her focus away from your children and be patently uninterested in them too.

How much time do your children have with their father?

I wish you luck and good fortune. Concentrate on those in your life that give you love (presumably your children and your new DH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our mother is a very difficult person who’s always overtly preferred my brother and provided much more support to him than she gave me. We have different dads (she’s divorced from both).

Mom paid for brother to go to private school, paid for his undergrad education, and has enabled him to live at home since graduating in 2019 (he’s 26 now). She gave him a car, pays for insurance etc. He doesn’t even pay his cell phone bill. He is looking to purchase a condo and refuses to move out to rent - which our mom (and his dad) enable. Fine.

I went to public school and moved out when I was 18 and was entirely financially independent from that age. I always worked at least part-time while going to school, which I took out student loans for. It took me years to finish undergrad (finally finished when I was in my late twenties). When I left my abusive exH with two kids mom provided no support/help - which of course she wasn’t obligated to do, but which stung when I saw how she coddled my brother.

I make okay money - and my now husband makes very good money - but I think my brother should carry more of the burden to support our mom’s future needs, given the tremendous financial and logistical support he’s been provided. Is this a fair and reasonable expectation? Is this a conversation I should start with him now?

Ha! Bean counting between siblings is very normal! Anyway, OP, it is time to get over it. Maybe your mom was in a better place financially or mentally for your brother, maybe she saw a greater need, maybe she liked him better, who knows. It seems like you are doing well now, so it’s worked out. Try to move on, for your own health. When/if she needs it, support your mom however you think is appropriate, separate from your brother’s support.


But the bean counting is odder.

Do you have a therapist who can help you correct your thinking? This just isn’t normal.

I agree that providing children with wildly different levels of support is abnormal.

I disagree that this is hypothetical - generally, aging people eventually need some level of support in their later years.

I am saying her fixation and bean counting is not normal. Or healthy.

And she is worrying about a hypothetical. Or at least something that hasn’t happened yet. There’s no indication at all that their mother is destitute or may become destitute. This is about her wanting something else to be angry about. Again, not normal.

What is the age distance between the siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I give you permission to walk away from financially supporting you mother in her retirement years.

You have no control over what your brother decides. [/b]

This

[Anonymous]

I come from a similar background, except I have 2 siblings who got and continue to get all the financial support from my parents.

I try to focus on what I can control and that's the amount I am willing to help my parents in the future. It's going to be very minimal. No one has asked me yet, but when they do I will be ready.

While I'd love to have a conversation with my siblings and get them to understand and see me....that will never happen. My siblings aren't capable of looking past how "wonderful" my parents are to them.

[Anonymous]

If she has started “hinting” then you can respond that you hope she’s making appropriate plans for her aging. Remind her that you are saddled with debt from your education and early adult life (even if that’s been paid. She need not know your finances) and do not anticipate being involved. Suggest she have plans drawn up and make your brother the POA, etc. Give nothing and expect nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has started “hinting” then you can respond that you hope she’s making appropriate plans for her aging. Remind her that you are saddled with debt from your education and early adult life (even if that’s been paid. She need not know your finances) and do not anticipate being involved. Suggest she have plans drawn up and make your brother the POA, etc. Give nothing and expect nothing.

Yes. And if she tries to argue with you about it, don't get down in.

"Mom, I'm telling you that I won't be able to help out financially so you can plan around that fact, not so you can start an argument about my finances."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has started “hinting” then you can respond that you hope she’s making appropriate plans for her aging. Remind her that you are saddled with debt from your education and early adult life (even if that’s been paid. She need not know your finances) and do not anticipate being involved. Suggest she have plans drawn up and make your brother the POA, etc. Give nothing and expect nothing.

Yes. And if she tries to argue with you about it, don't get down in.

"Mom, I'm telling you that I won't be able to help out financially so you can plan around that fact, not so you can start an argument about my finances."

*drawn in

[Anonymous]

Did she pay or did the husband (of the moment) pay? Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has started “hinting” then you can respond that you hope she’s making appropriate plans for her aging. Remind her that you are saddled with debt from your education and early adult life (even if that’s been paid. She need not know your finances) and do not anticipate being involved. Suggest she have plans drawn up and make your brother the POA, etc. Give nothing and expect nothing.

Another +1. It sounds like your relationships are complicated and hard for you, and I’m sorry. Glad you are talking with a therapist.

You can’t tell or even expect your brother what to do when your mom gets older. PP gives you the right idea - if she mentions it, let her know you won’t be supporting her, and then let it go. Whether your brother helps her is between the two of them.

[Anonymous]

What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.