Can I expect brother to shoulder more of the financial burden when and if our mom needs help?

[Anonymous]

If anything, I’d share all of your feelings about how you felt were treated unfairly with your mom just so you have closure. I’d not tie it to her eventual elder care but more that you need to have this conversation to finally let it go for your own healing.

Then, I’d just do what you feel comfortable with at the time any support is needed. Perhaps your brother will step up but perhaps he won’t. Just focus on what you can give ( emotionally and financially) at the time. So sorry you were treated so unfairly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, you’re not necessarily obligated to support your mother, but you’re also not able to dictate how much your brother contributes.

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were. However, it’s also not your lazy brother’s fault how you were treated. It seems like you want to discuss this now with your brother so you can have a reason to demonize him. You hate what he represents, which is all the support your mother didn’t give you in your own times of need.

You know your brother is not going to see it the way you do.

I am PP. I just went back and reread your post. He lived at home for 3 years while saving for a down payment and went to private school. I’m not sure he’s necessarily “lazy”. Sounds like he’s being smart with the support his parents are providing. Nothing he’s doing is unreasonable. How you deal with the feelings your mom has given you towards her is a separate ball of wax, but the brother isn’t the problem here. It’s your mom.

OP here. I don’t think he’s lazy, but he does feel completely entitled to the support he receives and I don’t think he appreciates how much of a blessing this is (he is still living at home). If I’d had the option to live at home while going to school/after graduation that would have been helpful but of course I was not provided that opportunity.

The purpose of my post isn’t to convey that I want payback, but that the money my brother has saved (no rent, no student loans, no bills period) while being supported for so long has put him in a much more favorable financial situation than I was afforded. Correspondingly, I think his responsibility should be greater, as the benefits he’s received have been measurably greater.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now would be a good time to start. As PP said, your brother really has nothing to do with the way your mother has treated you. He’s not receiving anything outrageous—he just has a healthy support system that you lacked. Is the difference your dad vs his dad rather than your mother? And why is this coming up for you now? Does your mother have health issues and you are likely to be turned to for financial assistance soon? If not, you are just looking for a place to push your resentment and it will backfire. Go grieve what you didnt/don’t have in therapy and move on.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time. Our mom has started hinting at what she may need in her older years, which is why I’m thinking about this now.

Is it not odd to support one child and not support another? I thought favoritism is a cornerstone of what not to do in Parenting 101.

I provided the background of financial support received to outline the very different financial landscapes from which my brother and I are emerging/ have emerged. His cost savings at the start of life is substantial, *due to our mother’s support.* Good for him, but I did not receive this same level of support. I’m wondering if it’s therefore reasonable to expect him - in the future - to shoulder more of the financial burden in supporting our mom.

Perhaps my OP wasn’t clear.

Since you insist on persisting, the answer to your question is “No.” It is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

you have different dads. Did mom Really pay for all of his private schooling? Or did his dad help while your dad was not willing to help? Did they really kick you out at 18, or did you just not wanna live there because you didn’t like your stepdad or something?

[Anonymous]

Leave your brother out of it and make your own decisions when the time comes. You can only control you. Decide what you feel comfortable with and if he wants to fill in any gaps, he can if he wants to. If you don’t want to provide anything, tell you mother that when she drops hints. Just stop making this about your brother and what he’s received vs. you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you have different dads. Did mom Really pay for all of his private schooling? Or did his dad help while your dad was not willing to help? Did they really kick you out at 18, or did you just not wanna live there because you didn’t like your stepdad or something?

Our dads made similar money. Mom actually kicked me out at 13. I asked to move back during high school and wasn’t able to. Then again after 18, not allowed. Mom and stepdad were divorced when I was in HS.

Mom and stepdad split costs. I was estranged from dad after emancipation.

[Anonymous]

What “hints” is she dropping? Does she need help downsizing or is she running out of cash and needs to move in with you? While it’s easy to throw the inequities on your brother, it’s your parents who are to blame.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your mom did a poof job raising you and if you want/need to put a lot of distance between the two of you, then do it. I don’t think you owe her anything when she ages. I think therapy could help you deal with all these hard feelings that you’re experiencing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you have different dads. Did mom Really pay for all of his private schooling? Or did his dad help while your dad was not willing to help? Did they really kick you out at 18, or did you just not wanna live there because you didn’t like your stepdad or something?

Our dads made similar money. Mom actually kicked me out at 13. I asked to move back during high school and wasn’t able to. Then again after 18, not allowed. Mom and stepdad were divorced when I was in HS.

Mom and stepdad split costs. I was estranged from dad after emancipation.

What sort of financial support did your father provide you? I mean if the stepfather was paying for a chunk of private school, it’s a different analysis.

[Anonymous]

Wait, your mother kicked you out of the house at 13?? What prompted this? And, why do you have a relationship with her now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you have different dads. Did mom Really pay for all of his private schooling? Or did his dad help while your dad was not willing to help? Did they really kick you out at 18, or did you just not wanna live there because you didn’t like your stepdad or something?

Our dads made similar money. Mom actually kicked me out at 13. I asked to move back during high school and wasn’t able to. Then again after 18, not allowed. Mom and stepdad were divorced when I was in HS.

Mom and stepdad split costs. I was estranged from dad after emancipation.

Did you live with your father from 13 - 18?

If your mother kicked you out at 13 and would not let you move back in later before you were 18, and it appears she has not changed or shown remorse, why do you still have a relationship with her that makes her think you will take care of her.

How close do you live to her?

One thing about our society (unfortunately it still pervades) is that daughters are generally expected to be the ones caring for the parents over sons. When I see sons taking more care, it is usually because the daughter moved away and the son is still near.

[Anonymous]

What sort of relationship do you want with your brother? What sort of relationship do you want with your mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your mother kicked you out of the house at 13?? What prompted this? And, why do you have a relationship with her now?

OP here. My stepdad slapped me across the face and the next day I “ran away” (I didn’t go to school and hung around Dupont Circle.) I called a friend at about 8 pm and went to her house. The next day I went to school and when my mom picked me up she told me I was moving in with my dad.

I have a relationship with her now mostly due to my kids. I think if I didn’t have kids she would still be patently uninterested in me/my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you have different dads. Did mom Really pay for all of his private schooling? Or did his dad help while your dad was not willing to help? Did they really kick you out at 18, or did you just not wanna live there because you didn’t like your stepdad or something?

Our dads made similar money. Mom actually kicked me out at 13. I asked to move back during high school and wasn’t able to. Then again after 18, not allowed. Mom and stepdad were divorced when I was in HS.

Mom and stepdad split costs. I was estranged from dad after emancipation.

Did you live with your father from 13 - 18?

If your mother kicked you out at 13 and would not let you move back in later before you were 18, and it appears she has not changed or shown remorse, why do you still have a relationship with her that makes her think you will take care of her.

How close do you live to her?

One thing about our society (unfortunately it still pervades) is that daughters are generally expected to be the ones caring for the parents over sons. When I see sons taking more care, it is usually because the daughter moved away and the son is still near.

I do not live nearby (3.5 hours away). My brother still lives in the same city (DC) and will likely stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your mother kicked you out of the house at 13?? What prompted this? And, why do you have a relationship with her now?

OP here. My stepdad slapped me across the face and the next day I “ran away” (I didn’t go to school and hung around Dupont Circle.) I called a friend at about 8 pm and went to her house. The next day I went to school and when my mom picked me up she told me I was moving in with my dad.

I have a relationship with her now mostly due to my kids. I think if I didn’t have kids she would still be patently uninterested in me/my life.

Do you think your children benefit from the relationship? Do you she will treat them similarly when your brother has his own children?

How often do you see your mother now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give you permission to walk away from financially supporting you mother in her retirement years.

You have no control over what your brother decides.

I would not discuss this with your brother now or ever really.

If mom brings up anything about you looking after her, I might mention something. Maybe say that you understood she anticipated brother would be her caregiver given he was provided much more in life.

Agree with all this.