Can I expect brother to shoulder more of the financial burden when and if our mom needs help?

[Anonymous]

Hold on, she’s still married to his dad? That makes all your framing about what SHE paid for really odd. Is she the breadwinner in her marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she pay or did the husband (of the moment) pay? Big difference.

They both paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold on, she’s still married to his dad? That makes all your framing about what SHE paid for really odd. Is she the breadwinner in her marriage?

They divorced quite a while ago (over twenty years). They earned similar amounts, although she was “pushed” into any early retirement due to being blackballed (my take is she lacks emotional maturity and the ability to communicate in a measured way, and her reputation preceded her…in a negative way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.

I think what’s most important to me in this scenario is asserting boundaries. In addition to providing vastly different levels of support between my brother and me, she also ignored signs of the sexual abuse I was experiencing (after my first grade teacher evidently called a meeting with her), provided resume support and networking opportunities for my brother (but not me), and even petty stuff like getting my brother nice Christmas presents while getting me crappy ones (typically clothing several sizes larger than I wear). On top of everything, she was severely emotionally and physically abusive.

If this sounds like sour grapes, it is! I don’t feel like I owe her anything, frankly, now or ever. I think it would be much harder for my brother to say the same.

[Anonymous]

Again, how old is she?
Does she have health problems that would necessitate such “hints?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.

I think what’s most important to me in this scenario is asserting boundaries. In addition to providing vastly different levels of support between my brother and me, she also ignored signs of the sexual abuse I was experiencing (after my first grade teacher evidently called a meeting with her), provided resume support and networking opportunities for my brother (but not me), and even petty stuff like getting my brother nice Christmas presents while getting me crappy ones (typically clothing several sizes larger than I wear). On top of everything, she was severely emotionally and physically abusive.

If this sounds like sour grapes, it is! I don’t feel like I owe her anything, frankly, now or ever. I think it would be much harder for my brother to say the same.

You need to stop focusing on what your brother will or will not do. It is irrelevant and you cannot control it. Decide what YOU will do or not so. Frankly, I don’t understand why you have any contact with this horrible person. Your kids don’t need this person in their life. I would laugh in the face of my parent if they did stuff like this and then expected me to support them. But that is me, you have to decide what YOU will do.

[Anonymous]

Mothers help their sons more because they will bear the brunt of his family obligations. Whether you believe that or not, it's a fact. Fair ? No. But it is what it is.
Are you obligated to help your mother ? No you are not but in a righteous loving world we all need to be obligated to the ones we love. We are our brother's keepers. When you have a spiritual awakening you understand this.
We pay my husband's brother's bills because he can't and no one in the family feels the need to look after him. So we do it. It is not his fault and I'll be damned if I see him suffer. His sister lives a block from him and pretends he doesn't exist. I do not comprehend that.
We also look after my sister and our grandson. Same reason but mostly out of love. We don't feel the need to just pile up money when family desperately needs help. So we do it out of our HUMAN obligation. My brother is well off and my other sisters are selfish and greedy. Our mother and father are long gone. My sister needs me. That's all I care about.
Without love we are nothing. With love we are human. Family is everything even when family doesn't think it is. No pats on the back, the love is always there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold on, she’s still married to his dad? That makes all your framing about what SHE paid for really odd. Is she the breadwinner in her marriage?

They divorced quite a while ago (over twenty years). They earned similar amounts, although she was “pushed” into any early retirement due to being blackballed (my take is she lacks emotional maturity and the ability to communicate in a measured way, and her reputation preceded her…in a negative way).

So she paid for private school on her own as a single mom??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold on, she’s still married to his dad? That makes all your framing about what SHE paid for really odd. Is she the breadwinner in her marriage?

They divorced quite a while ago (over twenty years). They earned similar amounts, although she was “pushed” into any early retirement due to being blackballed (my take is she lacks emotional maturity and the ability to communicate in a measured way, and her reputation preceded her…in a negative way).

So she paid for private school on her own as a single mom??

AND his college tuition, all on her own, as a single mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold on, she’s still married to his dad? That makes all your framing about what SHE paid for really odd. Is she the breadwinner in her marriage?

They divorced quite a while ago (over twenty years). They earned similar amounts, although she was “pushed” into any early retirement due to being blackballed (my take is she lacks emotional maturity and the ability to communicate in a measured way, and her reputation preceded her…in a negative way).

So she paid for private school on her own as a single mom??

They shared private school (K-12) costs and college costs. They earned similar amounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, how old is she?
Does she have health problems that would necessitate such “hints?”

She’s in her early 60s, pretty good health. Notable longevity on both sides of her family.

[Anonymous]

You make your own decision. In your situation, I would not feel obligated to help my mom. You don’t spend other people’s money, however. Though, doesn’t sound like he has any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mothers help their sons more because they will bear the brunt of his family obligations. Whether you believe that or not, it's a fact. Fair ? No. But it is what it is.
Are you obligated to help your mother ? No you are not but in a righteous loving world we all need to be obligated to the ones we love. We are our brother's keepers. When you have a spiritual awakening you understand this.
We pay my husband's brother's bills because he can't and no one in the family feels the need to look after him. So we do it. It is not his fault and I'll be damned if I see him suffer. His sister lives a block from him and pretends he doesn't exist. I do not comprehend that.
We also look after my sister and our grandson. Same reason but mostly out of love. We don't feel the need to just pile up money when family desperately needs help. So we do it out of our HUMAN obligation. My brother is well off and my other sisters are selfish and greedy. Our mother and father are long gone. My sister needs me. That's all I care about.
Without love we are nothing. With love we are human. Family is everything even when family doesn't think it is. No pats on the back, the love is always there.

You sound like a very kind enabler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold on, she’s still married to his dad? That makes all your framing about what SHE paid for really odd. Is she the breadwinner in her marriage?

They divorced quite a while ago (over twenty years). They earned similar amounts, although she was “pushed” into any early retirement due to being blackballed (my take is she lacks emotional maturity and the ability to communicate in a measured way, and her reputation preceded her…in a negative way).

So she paid for private school on her own as a single mom??

They shared private school (K-12) costs and college costs. They earned similar amounts.

And where is your dad? Why didn’t he help with your college?

And were you kicked out at 18? You say you moved but you then seem upset about that. For people our age, moving out was usually normal and a point of pride. Did you ask and you were refused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is move important to you - not shelling out as much as you could to care for your mom, or a lasting, positive relationship with your only sibling? There’s your answer.

I think what’s most important to me in this scenario is asserting boundaries. In addition to providing vastly different levels of support between my brother and me, she also ignored signs of the sexual abuse I was experiencing (after my first grade teacher evidently called a meeting with her), provided resume support and networking opportunities for my brother (but not me), and even petty stuff like getting my brother nice Christmas presents while getting me crappy ones (typically clothing several sizes larger than I wear). On top of everything, she was severely emotionally and physically abusive.

If this sounds like sour grapes, it is! I don’t feel like I owe her anything, frankly, now or ever. I think it would be much harder for my brother to say the same.

So what? OP, please consider finding another therapist because if this is where you are after a lot of therapy with your current provider, you aren't making progress.

At this point though, I'm beginning to think you are a troll. The details you keep adding are more dramatic each time ("step dad slapped me" "kicked out at 13" "sexual abuse ignored") and are starting to feel made up, especially since you're also claiming you want your kids to have a relationship with your mother. All of it is irrational so either stop trolling or get off DCUM and get yourself to a new therapist who can help you set boundaries and stop blaming those who have done nothing wrong.