Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this has been posted before, but can’t find the threads and am looking for perspective. I have two young children, and always wanted three kids. My husband and I work full time (and we have a nanny for childcare) and I still find myself completely overwhelmed balancing my kids, my family, my job, our house, and the entire mental load that goes with all of it. I don’t know how I will manage a third child, but feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it. My husband is fine stopping at two. To complicate things, I have remaining PGT tested embryos and know they’re there.

I do not want to have a large age gap if I can avoid it. We are also in our mid thirties and I don’t want to put off a decision forever. We are UMC, so we can technically afford a third child, but it will definitely be a felt expense.

I can’t be the only one conflicted like this. Looking for advice, thoughts, people who’ve been there are decided for or against it, etc.

Have mercy on yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be having a third kid.

I am a third kid. I had a good childhood but my parents were pretty overwhelmed and I did not get good care or education because of that. I think 2 kids are manageable.

Also, it is horrible for the enviornment, the finances, the attention you pay to everyone, your marriage and your family.

This. It’s selfish. It’s also dumb if you want to have two decent careers. There are only 24 hours in the day. Your marriage, career and/or social life will suffer big time. It’s another few years of the baby years.

Imagine if I said that having an only child is dumb and selfish… DCUM would eat me alive (I do really think that BTW)

Yes, I'm sure overextending myself financially and putting myself at my mental-health limit would be GREAT for my family and the world, but thanks for your commentary on my selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be having a third kid.

I am a third kid. I had a good childhood but my parents were pretty overwhelmed and I did not get good care or education because of that. I think 2 kids are manageable.

Also, it is horrible for the enviornment, the finances, the attention you pay to everyone, your marriage and your family.

This. It’s selfish. It’s also dumb if you want to have two decent careers. There are only 24 hours in the day. Your marriage, career and/or social life will suffer big time. It’s another few years of the baby years.

Imagine if I said that having an only child is dumb and selfish… DCUM would eat me alive (I do really think that BTW)

Yes, I'm sure overextending myself financially and putting myself at my mental-health limit would be GREAT for my family and the world, but thanks for your commentary on my selfishness.

You know I was referring to the poster (you?) who said “Nobody should have 3 kids” I have 3 and I am very happy, marriage is great, finances are great, kids’ needs are met, kids have playmates, confidants, and supporters, etc….

No one choice is right or wrong, but I hate how parents of only judge the parents of multiple calling them “dumb” “selfish” etc…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be having a third kid.

I am a third kid. I had a good childhood but my parents were pretty overwhelmed and I did not get good care or education because of that. I think 2 kids are manageable.

Also, it is horrible for the enviornment, the finances, the attention you pay to everyone, your marriage and your family.

This. It’s selfish. It’s also dumb if you want to have two decent careers. There are only 24 hours in the day. Your marriage, career and/or social life will suffer big time. It’s another few years of the baby years.

Imagine if I said that having an only child is dumb and selfish… DCUM would eat me alive (I do really think that BTW)

Yes, I'm sure overextending myself financially and putting myself at my mental-health limit would be GREAT for my family and the world, but thanks for your commentary on my selfishness.

You know I was referring to the poster (you?) who said “Nobody should have 3 kids” I have 3 and I am very happy, marriage is great, finances are great, kids’ needs are met, kids have playmates, confidants, and supporters, etc….

No one choice is right or wrong, but I hate how parents of only judge the parents of multiple calling them “dumb” “selfish” etc…

Okay, fair enough, I wouldn't personally call anyone's choice dumb or selfish

[Anonymous]

Our nanny does our preschoolers lunch, the kids laundry and generally the preschoolers bath after school. Maybe she is overwhelmed too but she does not really tidy their toys. She cooks a few things for them twice a week, and cleans up after their meals, but dinners are largely on us. She keeps their rooms fairly tidy. She doesn’t do things like go through their closets to store outgrown clothes, or go through piles of toys to put pieces back from the toy and room they originated from (which kind of bugs me because od how chaotic it makes the house.) She doesn’t drive, and while she could technically walk the older kid to school, I end up doing drop off and pickup (partially because it’s not a super short walk, and partially because I enjoy being the person to do it.) she’s not making friends or play dates or proactively taking kids out so I have to tell her what to do almost every day, and that’s another aspect of mental load on me. She does not pack or unpack our kids from weekends at the grandparents. She did more of this before we had our second, when the first was in school a few hours a day, but now I guess doesn’t have the bandwidth or energy. She is certainly not the person taking kids to doctor appointments, which I always miss work for. In short, she is a grandmotherly nanny/babysitter and she is not a daytime replacement for mom. I didn’t particularly want a replacement for myself when I hired her, but it does make things harder to balance.

I work from home and my 4yo always comes to me over her. I sort of sympathize with my nanny because it’s hard to get much done while watching a kid or two (older one is in preschool most of the day.) I don’t want to hire someone else because our nanny is nice and my children are attached to her at this point. It’s for sure part of the problem. I’m spending any time off from work I have while she’s here digging out of messes all over the house that accumulate from toys, school paperwork and art, packing and unpacking from trips and visits to grandparents, etc. I’m guess I’m overwhelmed by all the admin (which I’ve posted about before) equally or more so than my actual kids.

A couple of suggestions/thoughts after reading this info:

1. Possibly encourage the nanny to get the kids involved in doing a quick tidy a few times per day so that you don't have to do a huge cleanup in the evening.

2. Consider a meal service like HelloFresh- it can get repetitive and does cost somewhat more, but it is nice not having to do as much thinking. Some of the meals require more prep than others.

3. I know the feeling of sorting through the papers and clutter all too well. It never ends.

4.You make it clear that the nanny you have is the cause of several of your mental load items that could possibly be offset onto someone else who could do more. The lack of driving sticks out to me a lot- friends of mine with nannies often have the kid enrolled in an activity or two during the week to keep things interesting. Less time spent in your home (and out and about instead) can also lessen some of the mess. Perhaps you could give your current nanny a weekly rotation of walkable activities (the park and such) and have her follow it within reason as weather permits.

5.check out The Lazy Genius Instagram/podcast. I have found her advice to be helpful, as well as comments in the comments section for some great ideas!

Finally, a lot of comments have described the benefits of stopping at two, and I agree! We always knew we would have a third, but WOW would things be so easy right now if I only had my five and four year-olds! Sometimes there is beauty in quitting while you're ahead!

Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Our nanny does our preschoolers lunch, the kids laundry and generally the preschoolers bath after school. Maybe she is overwhelmed too but she does not really tidy their toys. She cooks a few things for them twice a week, and cleans up after their meals, but dinners are largely on us. She keeps their rooms fairly tidy. She doesn’t do things like go through their closets to store outgrown clothes, or go through piles of toys to put pieces back from the toy and room they originated from (which kind of bugs me because od how chaotic it makes the house.) She doesn’t drive, and while she could technically walk the older kid to school, I end up doing drop off and pickup (partially because it’s not a super short walk, and partially because I enjoy being the person to do it.) she’s not making friends or play dates or proactively taking kids out so I have to tell her what to do almost every day, and that’s another aspect of mental load on me. She does not pack or unpack our kids from weekends at the grandparents. She did more of this before we had our second, when the first was in school a few hours a day, but now I guess doesn’t have the bandwidth or energy. She is certainly not the person taking kids to doctor appointments, which I always miss work for. In short, she is a grandmotherly nanny/babysitter and she is not a daytime replacement for mom. I didn’t particularly want a replacement for myself when I hired her, but it does make things harder to balance.

I work from home and my 4yo always comes to me over her. I sort of sympathize with my nanny because it’s hard to get much done while watching a kid or two (older one is in preschool most of the day.) I don’t want to hire someone else because our nanny is nice and my children are attached to her at this point. It’s for sure part of the problem. I’m spending any time off from work I have while she’s here digging out of messes all over the house that accumulate from toys, school paperwork and art, packing and unpacking from trips and visits to grandparents, etc. I’m guess I’m overwhelmed by all the admin (which I’ve posted about before) equally or more so than my actual kids.

A couple of suggestions/thoughts after reading this info:

1. Possibly encourage the nanny to get the kids involved in doing a quick tidy a few times per day so that you don't have to do a huge cleanup in the evening.

2. Consider a meal service like HelloFresh- it can get repetitive and does cost somewhat more, but it is nice not having to do as much thinking. Some of the meals require more prep than others.

3. I know the feeling of sorting through the papers and clutter all too well. It never ends.

4.You make it clear that the nanny you have is the cause of several of your mental load items that could possibly be offset onto someone else who could do more. The lack of driving sticks out to me a lot- friends of mine with nannies often have the kid enrolled in an activity or two during the week to keep things interesting. Less time spent in your home (and out and about instead) can also lessen some of the mess. Perhaps you could give your current nanny a weekly rotation of walkable activities (the park and such) and have her follow it within reason as weather permits.

5.check out The Lazy Genius Instagram/podcast. I have found her advice to be helpful, as well as comments in the comments section for some great ideas!

Finally, a lot of comments have described the benefits of stopping at two, and I agree! We always knew we would have a third, but WOW would things be so easy right now if I only had my five and four year-olds! Sometimes there is beauty in quitting while you're ahead!

Wishing you all the best.

Op here. Thank you for these helpful suggestions and your kindness. And to everyone else who responded thoughtfully.

[Anonymous]

We were on the fence about whether we wanted 2 or 3, and our second ended up being twins. Three is so hard and some dynamics are weird but overall it's fun to see them. But financially very difficult, logistically very difficult, etc. The only upside, now that they are older, is they are so close in age and it's all at once, so it's not like the poster above described where the oldest two are ready for xyz and the baby is not.

[Anonymous]

I was you except I did decide to have a third in my late 30s (age 38) with an age gap. I had my other 2 babies at 30 and 33, so the older two were 5.5 and 8 when my third was born. I was a bit disappointed at first about having a gap (some fertility issues caused it to take longer than planned). But you know what, the gap has been a blessing.

The older two are in elementary school so we aren’t paying for preschool. We have a nanny and she can help with the early release and random school holidays so it’s sort of scales of economy as far as childcare goes. My older kids are pretty independent so it’s not like the stress of a toddler and a baby (I found having 2 kids 2.5 years apart more stressful than adding a third 5 years later). It’s put a damper on travel since we don’t find it enjoyable going places with a young toddler, but that is temporary. Oh and the older 2 absolutely love the youngest. He has brought us so much joy and his big siblings love making him laugh. I’ve loved watching the relationships between my 3 and how my older 2 have matured from the experience.

If you think you want a third, don’t close the door on that. My heart kept telling me I wasn’t done and now I’m so glad I listened to that. But I think you should reconsider the no age gap and not having a baby in your late 30s thing. It’s been fine. Pregnancy at 38 was just as rough as pregnancy in my early 30s (I have easy-ish deliveries, but miserable pregnancies). It’s not like you’re considering a baby at 45.

3 kids is a lot of logistics, but if you’re UMC and willing to lower standards about some things (your house isn’t going to be immaculate at all times and your free time will be taken up with various kid activities l), then I say go for it!

[Anonymous]

^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

Yes but parents of one and two kids can do all the too. Having more kids means they still get less time from parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

Yes but parents of one and two kids can do all the too. Having more kids means they still get less time from parents.

No it doesn’t. There is just more together time than one-on-one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

That’s for sure! Op here and if I had more money, I could get a housekeeper and quit my job. That would certainly make life with three much more manageable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never met a person who has three or more children who has ever regretted having any of the kids. Of course they could be the lying or putting on an act, but those are the experiences I’ve heard.

I wouldn't say "regret" because of course people love their kids once they're here, but after I had my 2 I had multiple moms of 3+ emphatically telling me to stop there, that 3+ made everything more difficult and wasn't worth it.