Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

You won't regret having a third. You might occasionally lament on how much easier it was with two, but you won't regret it. Your third will bring joy to you and your family, and you will manage it beautifully. You'll look at families of four as so small.

You also won't regret not having a third. You'll think how you could never have handled a third child because two is already a full plate and you won't envy large families.

I had four. I would've been happy with 1, 2, 3 or 4. You make your family size work for you. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

I look at it not as “will having 3 bring *me* joy and fulfillment” but will I be able to give all 3 of my kids equal opportunities for joy and fulfillment. If you can, then go ahead.

[Anonymous]

YES

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret having a third. You might occasionally lament on how much easier it was with two, but you won't regret it. Your third will bring joy to you and your family, and you will manage it beautifully. You'll look at families of four as so small.

You also won't regret not having a third. You'll think how you could never have handled a third child because two is already a full plate and you won't envy large families.

I had four. I would've been happy with 1, 2, 3 or 4. You make your family size work for you. No regrets.

What a great attitude you have! Surely it's served you well in life.

[Anonymous]

2 is perfect don't mess with it.

I have 2

I have also nannied long term for a family with 3 kids. The mom was so overwhelmed. I was alright with the day to day with them, it wasn't much different from my nanny job with 2 kids that I had beforehand. But I was just the daytime person, not the logistics person.

Now that I'm a parent of 2, I can't imagine having 3. I can imagine having another child here during the day that someone else actually provides motherly love, attention, scheduling, appointments, etc. I cannot imagine doing all that myself. Heck, sometimes I'm shocked I even have 2 kids that I need to care for. But if you feel the drive to provide all the needs to a new human, go for it. Keep in mind that there's a chance that child could have extreme special needs or something and it could uproot your whole life with the two you already have. Not to be negative, just being realistic.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you religious? I want a 3rd every Sunday when I see bigger families at church!

[Anonymous]

Space your kids 3 years apart and you will be fine with 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Space your kids 3 years apart and you will be fine with 3.

Op here. My first two are three years apart. Agree it’s nice spacing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you religious? I want a 3rd every Sunday when I see bigger families at church!

Ha, op here. I actually was raised modern orthodox Jewish! I’m no longer observant but still orbit that world and most people have 3+ kids. Even in my non religious circles have 2-3, occasionally 4.

[Anonymous]

yes

[Anonymous]

Always and forever. I love the convenience and ease of our party of four. Somehow I know that we were meant to be. But like my husband says In heaven we are a family of five and it hurts that we don’t have that third little boy here to love and adore… but even if it’s okay now I still can wish

[Anonymous]

I was one of 3. My parents were also one of 3. Nothing else seemed normal to me. I have 3, happily.

Agree spacing makes it very doable. Mine are 9, 7, 3. (g,g,b)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno…if you’ve always wanted a third, I think it’s very possible you will regret it. But only you can know that for sure (and only you can know whether that’s a good enough reason to go for it!)

But, when did you "always want a third" happening in your life? when you were growing up or in your 20s thinking about having kids? Or did that thought start when you started having children. I mean, I wanted a lot of things and planned my wedding, my life, the # of children I'd have, my career, where we'd live, etc when I was younger.... but as I became an adult in my 20s and 30s most of those things shifted and changed as my life circumstances changed. Even, I didn't get to have the # of children I'd wanted and I've come to terms with that - so I don't think someone needs to always regret not having a 3rd - unless they focus on that statement every week for years and years - but we can talk ourselves into anything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

I look at it not as “will having 3 bring *me* joy and fulfillment” but will I be able to give all 3 of my kids equal opportunities for joy and fulfillment. If you can, then go ahead.

But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

I do not have 3 children, but several very good friends with 3 all agreed, that going from 2 to 3 was as difficult as going from 0 to 1. And the world isn't set up for a family of 5 - not cars, restaurants, etc - and then there is the fact that you will be sstarting all over with a baby, who needs specific things, when you also have 2 older ones who are so far beyond that, and need totally other things (after school/weekend classes and activities vs. the 2 or 3 daytime naps, elementary schoolers are more ready to spend more time at museums, restaurants, staying out later at friends houses or the playground, pushing bedtime a bit, etc - when a baby and toddler needs the opposite with strict bedtimes or they melt down, not being able to hang at a museum for hours, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

I look at it not as “will having 3 bring *me* joy and fulfillment” but will I be able to give all 3 of my kids equal opportunities for joy and fulfillment. If you can, then go ahead.

But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

I do not have 3 children, but several very good friends with 3 all agreed, that going from 2 to 3 was as difficult as going from 0 to 1. And the world isn't set up for a family of 5 - not cars, restaurants, etc - and then there is the fact that you will be sstarting all over with a baby, who needs specific things, when you also have 2 older ones who are so far beyond that, and need totally other things (after school/weekend classes and activities vs. the 2 or 3 daytime naps, elementary schoolers are more ready to spend more time at museums, restaurants, staying out later at friends houses or the playground, pushing bedtime a bit, etc - when a baby and toddler needs the opposite with strict bedtimes or they melt down, not being able to hang at a museum for hours, etc.

I have 3 and didn't feel like going from 2 to 3 was a big leap. It's true that you do have to multi-task and account for different nap, bedtime, school schedules but you adjust. The time going by so fast. My oldest 2 are in college now and my 3rd in high school. I'm not ready for an empty nest and I'm so glad I have a few more years. Also, part of our decision to go for 3 is that the first two were the same gender and we were hoping for kids from both genders. We lucked out and I can't imagine life without my youngest.