Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

I look at it not as “will having 3 bring *me* joy and fulfillment” but will I be able to give all 3 of my kids equal opportunities for joy and fulfillment. If you can, then go ahead.

But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

I do not have 3 children, but several very good friends with 3 all agreed, that going from 2 to 3 was as difficult as going from 0 to 1. And the world isn't set up for a family of 5 - not cars, restaurants, etc - and then there is the fact that you will be sstarting all over with a baby, who needs specific things, when you also have 2 older ones who are so far beyond that, and need totally other things (after school/weekend classes and activities vs. the 2 or 3 daytime naps, elementary schoolers are more ready to spend more time at museums, restaurants, staying out later at friends houses or the playground, pushing bedtime a bit, etc - when a baby and toddler needs the opposite with strict bedtimes or they melt down, not being able to hang at a museum for hours, etc.

I have 3 and didn't feel like going from 2 to 3 was a big leap. It's true that you do have to multi-task and account for different nap, bedtime, school schedules but you adjust. The time going by so fast. My oldest 2 are in college now and my 3rd in high school. I'm not ready for an empty nest and I'm so glad I have a few more years. Also, part of our decision to go for 3 is that the first two were the same gender and we were hoping for kids from both genders. We lucked out and I can't imagine life without my youngest.

DP, also with three: I say this gently, but you may be forgetting just how hard it is to have three little kids, with relatively close spacing. Now, if the first and second were 9 and 7 when the youngest arrived, that's different. But three under four or five? Rough. Wonderful, amazing, love it, but also rough. And way harder than two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two, 6 and 3,and have struggled a lot with this question. My husband was staunchly opposed which made it easier, but still hard and sad. I'm starting to come around to just two, and here are some reasons why:

1. I am so sad about my kids growing up, but a third won't stop that from happening. I'll be back in this spot in 3 years again, only with more older kids to manage.

2. Like some other posters here, I've always gotten kind of a weird vibe from parents of 3. Most parents of 1 or 2 seem to unequivocally enjoy it. Parents of 3 often have kind of an edge to them, and I feel like many of them regret it but won't admit it (to themselves).

3. I wouldn't say I feel overwhelmed with two, but I'm definitely close to my limit. I figured that if I DID somehow discover a well of energy and money to dedicate to thea third kid, I could dedicate it to something else instead. So maybe I'll never have a third kid, but I'll start a business instead. Or I'll travel the world and learn another language. Or I'll go back to school. Idk. At the moment I'm too tired to do any of this, but it helped to tell myself that there were still additional investments of time I could make - having another kid wasn't the only way to add new fulfillment to my life. A part of me thinks I am just dreading stagnation.

What a weird list... You get a "weird vibe" from parents of 3. Where I live parents of 3 are more relaxed and frankly better able to manage their children. You sound really stressed out and edgy as a parent of 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At one time I would have liked a 3rd or even 4th kids but now my kids are 14 and 16 and I am so glad we just have 2. Families with 3-4 kids don’t seemed as stressed if they have a lot of money to throw at having nannies, babysitters, maids, and/or substantial grandparent help. The other ones all seem to struggle with the third.

Two or three families we know the third child has special needs and made family dynamics really hard.

I am reviving this thread to say that, like PP’s kids, mine are also teens, and I regret not having a third every day. And, for that matter, I resent my DH, who did not want the third. Knowing him, he would be okay with the three, but I am still not over it. We have resources and support, so unlikely we’d be overwhelmed. DH just wanted to be the decision- maker, which with him usually means opposing my wishes.
I’ve read so many things saying that I’d get over it, and I wish I could.

[Anonymous]

I felt just like you did...during my third pregnancy, I ended up having to have emergency surgery and losing the baby. Got pregnant again and have a child with special
needs. I adore her, but it totally affected our family dynamics and my older kids trajectories. They could not do competitive sports because we could not drive them to all the practices, etc. It has been a hard road and very different from what I pictured my life to be like. We have spent too many years in hospitals, doctors' offices, therapy sessions, etc. Also, there has been a big financial burden. Although, I still am happy to be a mom of 3, you need to be know the possibility that your 3rd could be even more challenging than you imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt just like you did...during my third pregnancy, I ended up having to have emergency surgery and losing the baby. Got pregnant again and have a child with special
needs. I adore her, but it totally affected our family dynamics and my older kids trajectories. They could not do competitive sports because we could not drive them to all the practices, etc. It has been a hard road and very different from what I pictured my life to be like. We have spent too many years in hospitals, doctors' offices, therapy sessions, etc. Also, there has been a big financial burden. Although, I still am happy to be a mom of 3, you need to be know the possibility that your 3rd could be even more challenging than you imagine.

This sounds rough. Hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret having a third. You might occasionally lament on how much easier it was with two, but you won't regret it. Your third will bring joy to you and your family, and you will manage it beautifully. You'll look at families of four as so small.

You also won't regret not having a third. You'll think how you could never have handled a third child because two is already a full plate and you won't envy large families.

I had four. I would've been happy with 1, 2, 3 or 4. You make your family size work for you. No regrets.

This is so not true.

[Anonymous]

I would much rather regret NOT having one than having one. I’m almost due with #2 and that’s my thought process. I know at some point I’m going to want a 3rd, but it will be better for everyone in the long run to stick to 2. So, I’m planning to get my tubes removed during my C-section.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt just like you did...during my third pregnancy, I ended up having to have emergency surgery and losing the baby. Got pregnant again and have a child with special
needs. I adore her, but it totally affected our family dynamics and my older kids trajectories. They could not do competitive sports because we could not drive them to all the practices, etc. It has been a hard road and very different from what I pictured my life to be like. We have spent too many years in hospitals, doctors' offices, therapy sessions, etc. Also, there has been a big financial burden. Although, I still am happy to be a mom of 3, you need to be know the possibility that your 3rd could be even more challenging than you imagine.

I am a teacher who sees a lot of situations like this with more than two children. Either SN or mental illness affecting the whole family. I only have two, my second has anxiety that would be considered moderate but not debilitating and it still really affects the family and our other child.

[Anonymous]

Having three is a lot of work especially in the puberty/teen years. Juggling big kid issues and three kids’ extracurriculars is intense. I don’t think you’d regret not having a third just like I don’t regret not having a fourth. Babies are so cute (!) but that’s a blip in the full parenting years.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different. No one can tell you what you will or won’t regret in life. Most of us try to accept and make the best of our situations, so you will most likely be in that camp. I will say that I know quite a few people socially who had two kids in their mid/late 30s and were done who decided in their early 40s to try for a third and ultimately needed IVF after conceiving their first two naturally. I also know a couple who decided when their two older children were teens to try to conceive in their mid/late 40s. They ultimately used a surrogate to have a third in their early 50s. I also know a couple who had a second via IVF in their mid 40s when their formerly only turned eldest was almost 15. They were done a decade ago and then they were not. Circumstances change.

I have never heard anyone say they regretted having a third. And when I think about children I know who are ND, I do not think there are more ND third children than second children or first/only children. I wouldn’t let the fear of having a third child who is ND stop you from having a third.

We have three and no regrets. It’s a juggle with work, but we make it work.

[Anonymous]

I knew I wanted a second child and would embrace whatever situation we were given in terms of a disability, special needs, or other challenges. Our second child does in fact have a disability, which was overwhelming at first but is now pretty manageable. When I asked myself if I would regret having a third child if there was a disability or special needs, my answer to myself was yes. That’s how I knew I should not have a third. I have two boys and realized I would only really want a third if it was a calm, easy-going daughter. That’s obviously not how life works! And now that my kids are a little bit older I have no idea how we would fit a third kid’s activities into the schedule. It’s hard enough balancing work and their stuff as it is. We would need significant help from local family which we do not have.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

I’m
Yes but parents of one and two kids can do all the too. Having more kids means they still get less time from parents.

No it doesn’t. There is just more together time than one-on-one time.

Which is less ideal for the child.

OP here. I’m the youngest of four kids. I don’t think a bigger family is less ideal for the kid. My siblings are my best friends and we’re still incredibly close. Our house was fun, rambunctious, and filled with humor (And of course sibling rivalry) growing up. It’s still that way when we’re all together. DH is one of two kids and his family is close-ish but is way more uptight and nowhere near as jovial. He’s not close with his only sibling. His parents, who are generally lovely, still hover over their two adult children. I think there are pros and cons to smaller families and larger ones, but for parents who want more kids and can handle the stress, logistics, and finances of raising a large family of well rounded kids, it’s really nice.

And then there are the parents who cannot handle it, but have more kids anyhow. I am the middle child, and my older sibling is now a controlling jerk and my younger (by 5 years) sibling is a classic third child who is still treated like the baby of the family even though sibling is in their mid-30s. All family dynamics are just a luck of the draw. I should have two siblings to lean on in my adult life, and I have 0.

I don't think people really think through the age gaps enough. My younger sibling was not even in high school when I left for college. Younger sib had five years effectively as an only child. My parents had different rules, expectations, and time with him. I knew I wanted kids much closer in age, if I could help it. And it's why I'm done now, because my youngest is almost 5 and there is no way I'd add another kid to my family now.