Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one should be having a third kid.

I am a third kid. I had a good childhood but my parents were pretty overwhelmed and I did not get good care or education because of that. I think 2 kids are manageable.

Also, it is horrible for the enviornment, the finances, the attention you pay to everyone, your marriage and your family.

This. It’s selfish. It’s also dumb if you want to have two decent careers. There are only 24 hours in the day. Your marriage, career and/or social life will suffer big time. It’s another few years of the baby years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went into having kids thinking I definitely wanted 3. I am the 3rd kid. It just felt right! People who stopped at 2 were weak, in my mind.

I stopped at 2 because I found myself overwhelmed! Apparently my own mother is crazy and has a 6th gear I do not seem to have. 2 is plenty! I adore them. If I could have added a 3rd child that started at age 4, then I would have. But no thank you to another pregnancy/infancy/toddlerhood (HELL NO). 3 year olds are awful. Do you have one yet?

Op here. This is exactly how I feel. Mine are 4 and 1. I love to them to death but my 4yo is incredibly draining.

Also I come from a larger family as well and am the baby. I love the dynamic of multiple siblings. Just yesterday I had an argument with one of my siblings and I loved being able to turn to the other sibling. I think it is really nice for the kids. Just so hard as parents to do it all.

Ye gods. I’m the youngest of three and the example you just provided is one of the reasons I think three is a bad number. I think there is a lot of two vs one with three kids. In my family I am usually the one and my older siblings are the two and I feel very isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be having a third kid.

I am a third kid. I had a good childhood but my parents were pretty overwhelmed and I did not get good care or education because of that. I think 2 kids are manageable.

Also, it is horrible for the enviornment, the finances, the attention you pay to everyone, your marriage and your family.

This. It’s selfish. It’s also dumb if you want to have two decent careers. There are only 24 hours in the day. Your marriage, career and/or social life will suffer big time. It’s another few years of the baby years.

If by “decent careers” you mean “big careers” and you also want to be involved in raising your kids, then yes, that’s tough to do with three.

Plenty of us having meaningful, interesting careers that don’t require 60+ hours a week, affording us time and energy to spend with our three kids and keep our marriages and social lives intact. No, it doesn’t require tons of family help or other outside help, at least not IME. It’s hard to take seriously anyone who thinks that “no one” should have a third kid - it doesn’t work for you, fine, but plenty of us are managing well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg no you will not.

People drastically underestimate the *downside* risk of adding another kid and overestimate the upside.

+1

I have 2 and have never once regretted not having a 3rd. 3rd kid make things like travel so much more difficult and once they get to the age where they play sports it is easier to have a one parent per kid ratio.

I also grew up in a family of 3 kids and it was always 2 against one, I do not miss having that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it

I'm sure you know that this isn't a good reason to have a child.

I'm one of three so always thought I'd have three, but I'm happy with my two. (I think this gets easier with time. Mine are teens.)

Agree with this and the PP who talked about you not having the bandwidth and someone having to fend for themselves. I was that kid who was the youngest and the “easiest” so I ended up falling into that trap of not wanting to add to my parents’ physical, emotional, financial, or time burdens. It had negative impact, although I was more self-sufficient than many of my cohort. And, my mother was a SAHM until I was 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it

I'm sure you know that this isn't a good reason to have a child.

I'm one of three so always thought I'd have three, but I'm happy with my two. (I think this gets easier with time. Mine are teens.)

Agree with this and the PP who talked about you not having the bandwidth and someone having to fend for themselves. I was that kid who was the youngest and the “easiest” so I ended up falling into that trap of not wanting to add to my parents’ physical, emotional, financial, or time burdens. It had negative impact, although I was more self-sufficient than many of my cohort. And, my mother was a SAHM until I was 11.

This is OP. The failing part was not well articulated. I mean that I see people with three kids (or more! Though I absolutely have no interest in more than 3) and wonder how they’re managing while I’m overwhelmed with my life with two.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]No you will not .. if it isn't a 100% full steam ahead then stick with your two wonderful kids you have .. I have 3 and wouldn't imagine anything else but let me tell you .. family of 5 .. everything is more difficult . [/quote]

+1 from another mom of 3. Obviously, I wouldn't change anything about my own circumstances, but it is much harder to make plans for 5 people than 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it

I'm sure you know that this isn't a good reason to have a child.

I'm one of three so always thought I'd have three, but I'm happy with my two. (I think this gets easier with time. Mine are teens.)

Agree with this and the PP who talked about you not having the bandwidth and someone having to fend for themselves. I was that kid who was the youngest and the “easiest” so I ended up falling into that trap of not wanting to add to my parents’ physical, emotional, financial, or time burdens. It had negative impact, although I was more self-sufficient than many of my cohort. And, my mother was a SAHM until I was 11.

This is OP. The failing part was not well articulated. I mean that I see people with three kids (or more! Though I absolutely have no interest in more than 3) and wonder how they’re managing while I’m overwhelmed with my life with two.

They don't. They just do the best they can.

If you're on the fence, don't. Having the third kid requires additional sacrifice on your health, sleep, finance, stress... I have 3, and I'm feeling it everyday. However, since I want the third kid, it's worth the trade off for me.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and regret not having a fourth!

[Anonymous]

I come from a large family and I love it. The more the merrier! The older kids love having a younger sibling.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat OP, and honestly, I’m confident I’d regret not having a third. But I’m not sure I have the bandwidth.

I’m 38, kid #2 is 1.5. I’ve decided it’s a race against time. If I can get to the point where I have the bandwidth for a third before my fertility runs out, then great. If I can’t, I’ll have to live with that regret. But I agree with other posters that if you’re overwhelmed with two currently, it’s irresponsible to try for a third.

So focus on the overwhelm. What can you do to bring it down? What are your triggers? For me, it’s sleep, so I’m really focusing on prioritizing my sleep, excellent sleep hygiene and habits for both myself and my two children. Also putting aside money for a night nanny should we find space for a third. Also working on things like decreasing standards, streamlining things, becoming more efficient, encouraging independence from our toddler and helping him build life skills, both parents getting better at watching both kids alone, getting better at doing chores while watching kids, etc.

Maybe you’ll find more bandwidth. Maybe you won’t.

[Anonymous]

I write this on every post with this topic.

I had the bandwidth for 3 and was not overwhelmed at 2. I had twins for the third child. I am now overwhelmed but we are doing the best we can. And our twins are not special needs which of course would be even harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat OP, and honestly, I’m confident I’d regret not having a third. But I’m not sure I have the bandwidth.

I’m 38, kid #2 is 1.5. I’ve decided it’s a race against time. If I can get to the point where I have the bandwidth for a third before my fertility runs out, then great. If I can’t, I’ll have to live with that regret. But I agree with other posters that if you’re overwhelmed with two currently, it’s irresponsible to try for a third.

So focus on the overwhelm. What can you do to bring it down? What are your triggers? For me, it’s sleep, so I’m really focusing on prioritizing my sleep, excellent sleep hygiene and habits for both myself and my two children. Also putting aside money for a night nanny should we find space for a third. Also working on things like decreasing standards, streamlining things, becoming more efficient, encouraging independence from our toddler and helping him build life skills, both parents getting better at watching both kids alone, getting better at doing chores while watching kids, etc.

Maybe you’ll find more bandwidth. Maybe you won’t.

Thank you. This is helpful food for thought. Appreciate most of the perspectives here (except for the obvious comment about why I would ask such a question on an anonymous forum, as if the responses will be the deciding factor.)

[Anonymous]

Best laid plans...my first two are 10 years apart and my next set are 3.5 years and growing due to unexplained infertility. The "perfect" family shouldn't be the only thing you are looking to achieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it

I'm sure you know that this isn't a good reason to have a child.

I'm one of three so always thought I'd have three, but I'm happy with my two. (I think this gets easier with time. Mine are teens.)

Agree with this and the PP who talked about you not having the bandwidth and someone having to fend for themselves. I was that kid who was the youngest and the “easiest” so I ended up falling into that trap of not wanting to add to my parents’ physical, emotional, financial, or time burdens. It had negative impact, although I was more self-sufficient than many of my cohort. And, my mother was a SAHM until I was 11.

This is OP. The failing part was not well articulated. I mean that I see people with three kids (or more! Though I absolutely have no interest in more than 3) and wonder how they’re managing while I’m overwhelmed with my life with two.

They don't. They just do the best they can.

If you're on the fence, don't. Having the third kid requires additional sacrifice on your health, sleep, finance, stress... I have 3, and I'm feeling it everyday. However, since I want the third kid, it's worth the trade off for me.

I mean, I have three kids, am doing the best I can, and also feel like I’m managing pretty well (knock wood).

People are different, OP. Their circumstances vary enormously. Raising kids is damn hard - and most four year olds are documented a-holes. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re overwhelmed with your two. I do think it’s worth considering how you can feel less overwhelmed, because that’s an unsustainable state.