Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

You won’t regret stopping at two. Three is a lot harder, says my friend with four. I also remember a study showing 3 is the hardest number. Even harder than four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you currently have a nanny and still don't have enough bandwidth to handle kids and logistics of family life, do not have a 3rd child. Will you occasionally regret it? Probably, but let's be real, OP. You cannot handle having a 3rd.

This was exactly my thought- having a nanny rather than daycare should (in theory at least) make the mental load/logistics stuff a LOT easier. It doesn't mean that having kids is ever easy, but if things still feel incredibly overwhelming with a nanny in the home, I would not continue on and have a third, at least for now.

I had our third child this summer and recently went back to work. My oldest is in kindergarten and my two younger kids are at daycare. By far, the toughest part has been managing packing the daycare bags/lunches/all the things for the next day and being very tired while doing it. If I had a nanny in my home, I wouldn't have to do most of the prep, the commute, daycare sick days, etc. Just a suggestion- are there tasks that the nanny could complete that could lessen your load? As long as it is discussed, many nannies are at least willing to take care of tasks related to the kids- laundry, tidying toys at the end of the day, washing bottles, and so on. Even if you don't have a third, I would think that through and sort it out. Also, what is your husband's role in all of this? Are there things he could be taking on as well, or is he already sharing the load with you?

[Anonymous]

There's no way I wanted to go through a third pregnancy. I think my husband wanted more and I said we could do it if we adopted. We stuck at two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I was on the fence, now my kids are teens. I can't imagine going through the teen years one more time. I just cannot. You have to look beyond the sweet baby years to the tough parts and the expensive parts.

THIS. And I have “good” kids without major issues and still feel this way. To parent teens correctly requires a lot of emotional support. Many parents become super hands off in the teen years though and things start to go sideways.

[Anonymous]

I always wanted 3. Once I was in that window of opportunity, my life had changed so much that having a 3rd didn't make sense. I was worried I would regret not having another. But now at ages 9 and 12 absofrigginlutely no regrets. My 9 yo is very, very difficult with some mental health stuff to manage. At these ages there's a lot that should be getting easier and if I also had a 6 or 7 year old in the mix? I don't think I could handle it. And financially, these buggers are expensive. I don't want another 529 to fund, more camp to pay for, more holiday gifts to figure out, birthday parties to plan....I like the level of attention and money I can afford with 2, but 3 would be far more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Well, I still regret it & my youngest is 8… though stopping at 2 was not my choice, so I’m not sure that “regret” is the right word. That said, I never felt overwhelmed with two or questioned wanting more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you currently have a nanny and still don't have enough bandwidth to handle kids and logistics of family life, do not have a 3rd child. Will you occasionally regret it? Probably, but let's be real, OP. You cannot handle having a 3rd.

This was exactly my thought- having a nanny rather than daycare should (in theory at least) make the mental load/logistics stuff a LOT easier. It doesn't mean that having kids is ever easy, but if things still feel incredibly overwhelming with a nanny in the home, I would not continue on and have a third, at least for now.

I had our third child this summer and recently went back to work. My oldest is in kindergarten and my two younger kids are at daycare. By far, the toughest part has been managing packing the daycare bags/lunches/all the things for the next day and being very tired while doing it. If I had a nanny in my home, I wouldn't have to do most of the prep, the commute, daycare sick days, etc. Just a suggestion- are there tasks that the nanny could complete that could lessen your load? As long as it is discussed, many nannies are at least willing to take care of tasks related to the kids- laundry, tidying toys at the end of the day, washing bottles, and so on. Even if you don't have a third, I would think that through and sort it out. Also, what is your husband's role in all of this? Are there things he could be taking on as well, or is he already sharing the load with you?

Our nanny does our preschoolers lunch, the kids laundry and generally the preschoolers bath after school. Maybe she is overwhelmed too but she does not really tidy their toys. She cooks a few things for them twice a week, and cleans up after their meals, but dinners are largely on us. She keeps their rooms fairly tidy. She doesn’t do things like go through their closets to store outgrown clothes, or go through piles of toys to put pieces back from the toy and room they originated from (which kind of bugs me because od how chaotic it makes the house.) She doesn’t drive, and while she could technically walk the older kid to school, I end up doing drop off and pickup (partially because it’s not a super short walk, and partially because I enjoy being the person to do it.) she’s not making friends or play dates or proactively taking kids out so I have to tell her what to do almost every day, and that’s another aspect of mental load on me. She does not pack or unpack our kids from weekends at the grandparents. She did more of this before we had our second, when the first was in school a few hours a day, but now I guess doesn’t have the bandwidth or energy. She is certainly not the person taking kids to doctor appointments, which I always miss work for. In short, she is a grandmotherly nanny/babysitter and she is not a daytime replacement for mom. I didn’t particularly want a replacement for myself when I hired her, but it does make things harder to balance.

I work from home and my 4yo always comes to me over her. I sort of sympathize with my nanny because it’s hard to get much done while watching a kid or two (older one is in preschool most of the day.) I don’t want to hire someone else because our nanny is nice and my children are attached to her at this point. It’s for sure part of the problem. I’m spending any time off from work I have while she’s here digging out of messes all over the house that accumulate from toys, school paperwork and art, packing and unpacking from trips and visits to grandparents, etc. I’m guess I’m overwhelmed by all the admin (which I’ve posted about before) equally or more so than my actual kids.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the OP. Do you want a third or do you feel like you should?

[Anonymous]

I love having two. One of the biggest benefits, IMO, is having the narrower age gap. With a third, you have a toddler and preschooler who still naps and needs and earlier bedtime long after the older ones are ready for more adventures. It puts a damper on what you can do.

I'm taking big trips with my 6 and 9 yos this year and it just wouldn't be possible to do the same with a 3 or 4 yo too. For example, my kids are super into the rainforest so we have a trip to Costa Rica planned with ziplining in the canopy and snorkeling. We did Disney and hit the parks from early opening to close--it was a blast. We are taking a bike trip through the Loire Valley for a week this summer. We backpacked Dolly Sods wilderness for 2 nights last summer and went white water rafting. We kayaked the Everglades last spring break. They just finally are big enough to do really fun things. If I had to wait another 3 years for a third kid to be big enough, my oldest would be on the cusp of becoming a sullen and moody teen, if not already there as a tween. I'd hate to miss these adventures as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the OP. Do you want a third or do you feel like you should?

Social media tells young moms they are supposed to have three now.

[Anonymous]

I have never met a person who has three or more children who has ever regretted having any of the kids. Of course they could be the lying or putting on an act, but those are the experiences I’ve heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be having a third kid.

I am a third kid. I had a good childhood but my parents were pretty overwhelmed and I did not get good care or education because of that. I think 2 kids are manageable.

Also, it is horrible for the enviornment, the finances, the attention you pay to everyone, your marriage and your family.

This. It’s selfish. It’s also dumb if you want to have two decent careers. There are only 24 hours in the day. Your marriage, career and/or social life will suffer big time. It’s another few years of the baby years.

Imagine if I said that having an only child is dumb and selfish… DCUM would eat me alive (I do really think that BTW)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the OP. Do you want a third or do you feel like you should?

I want a third. I come from a larger family and I like the dynamic. But I work full time and my oldest is an amazing child but can also be a handful. Right now it feels like another baby- pregnancy, infancy etc.- would put me over the edge and I’m sad about it. Wondering if this is a short term view and asked others for their perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you currently have a nanny and still don't have enough bandwidth to handle kids and logistics of family life, do not have a 3rd child. Will you occasionally regret it? Probably, but let's be real, OP. You cannot handle having a 3rd.

This was exactly my thought- having a nanny rather than daycare should (in theory at least) make the mental load/logistics stuff a LOT easier. It doesn't mean that having kids is ever easy, but if things still feel incredibly overwhelming with a nanny in the home, I would not continue on and have a third, at least for now.

I had our third child this summer and recently went back to work. My oldest is in kindergarten and my two younger kids are at daycare. By far, the toughest part has been managing packing the daycare bags/lunches/all the things for the next day and being very tired while doing it. If I had a nanny in my home, I wouldn't have to do most of the prep, the commute, daycare sick days, etc. Just a suggestion- are there tasks that the nanny could complete that could lessen your load? As long as it is discussed, many nannies are at least willing to take care of tasks related to the kids- laundry, tidying toys at the end of the day, washing bottles, and so on. Even if you don't have a third, I would think that through and sort it out. Also, what is your husband's role in all of this? Are there things he could be taking on as well, or is he already sharing the load with you?

Our nanny does our preschoolers lunch, the kids laundry and generally the preschoolers bath after school. Maybe she is overwhelmed too but she does not really tidy their toys. She cooks a few things for them twice a week, and cleans up after their meals, but dinners are largely on us. She keeps their rooms fairly tidy. She doesn’t do things like go through their closets to store outgrown clothes, or go through piles of toys to put pieces back from the toy and room they originated from (which kind of bugs me because od how chaotic it makes the house.) She doesn’t drive, and while she could technically walk the older kid to school, I end up doing drop off and pickup (partially because it’s not a super short walk, and partially because I enjoy being the person to do it.) she’s not making friends or play dates or proactively taking kids out so I have to tell her what to do almost every day, and that’s another aspect of mental load on me. She does not pack or unpack our kids from weekends at the grandparents. She did more of this before we had our second, when the first was in school a few hours a day, but now I guess doesn’t have the bandwidth or energy. She is certainly not the person taking kids to doctor appointments, which I always miss work for. In short, she is a grandmotherly nanny/babysitter and she is not a daytime replacement for mom. I didn’t particularly want a replacement for myself when I hired her, but it does make things harder to balance.

I work from home and my 4yo always comes to me over her. I sort of sympathize with my nanny because it’s hard to get much done while watching a kid or two (older one is in preschool most of the day.) I don’t want to hire someone else because our nanny is nice and my children are attached to her at this point. It’s for sure part of the problem. I’m spending any time off from work I have while she’s here digging out of messes all over the house that accumulate from toys, school paperwork and art, packing and unpacking from trips and visits to grandparents, etc. I’m guess I’m overwhelmed by all the admin (which I’ve posted about before) equally or more so than my actual kids.

Please find a new nanny, and one that can drive. Then consider having a third.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the OP. Do you want a third or do you feel like you should?

I want a third. I come from a larger family and I like the dynamic. But I work full time and my oldest is an amazing child but can also be a handful. Right now it feels like another baby- pregnancy, infancy etc.- would put me over the edge and I’m sad about it. Wondering if this is a short term view and asked others for their perspective.

I have 3 and it was a lot of work when they were little. Once the third was in Pk, things got much easier and it’s a joy to have 3 little people. Also, I can stand the noise, mess and can handle the needs of 3… I probably could not handle 4 (also, I don’t want 4).

3 is a lot, if you are overwhelmed with 2 I would not add a third. I was happy and relaxed when DD1 was 4, DD2 was 2 and decided to have a third.