Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

I felt this way about #4 and went for it. Bigger gap btwn 3 and 4 so things won’t be nearly as difficult as when I had 3 under 3. I think each person/family knows what they are willing to handle.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

[Anonymous]

Once upon a time, DH and I talked about potentially having 3. He and I are both the oldest of two and we liked the idea of having a bigger family. Even when we were pregnant with our second, we thought maybe we'd try for a third one day. But then our second was born (two girls) and our family just felt complete. I don't feel like we're missing anything. Even then, I wondered if I'd regret not having a third once my youngest got a little older. But as time went on and she learned to walk and talk and use the potty, I became even more secure in our decision to stop at two. We're moving on to the next phase of life.

Funny thing is, most of our friends have gone on to have three, so we're the odd ones out with only two. Even some of my overwhelmed friends who I thought for sure would be done after two went ahead and had a third and they are doing just fine. It seems to have made them less anxious, actually, to have a newborn to distract from some of the unnecessary worrying they were doing about the other two. So, OP, do what you feel is right for now and just hold onto that if you start to have regrets later.

[Anonymous]

I was once in your position. Had two boys, we contemplated a third. Both of us were working FT, nanny, etc. Fast Forward (and it really does seem like a FF), the oldest just graduated college and the youngest just left for college. We decided against the third for a variety of reasons, and I'm glad...I really would not now want to have another one in high school. I'm glad to be done with that and on to a new phase. Some of my friends who had more seem to really be over it by the time the third is in high school--over it meaning tired of the proms, homecomings, all of those milestone things that are important to the kid and become less exciting for you with each one. (That's not a reason not to have more kids, just pointing out that some things start to feel less fun the more you do it. Sports practices, games, tournaments, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

NP, but I had the opposite reaction. Going from 0-1 felt pretty easy. We just took the baby in the car seat to do most of the things we had done before (which was mostly going to friends' houses, maybe out to dinner on occasion, baseball games). But 1-2 was so much more to juggle (giving two kids attention, the financial commitment, figuring out two sleep schedules, planning meals around two totally different palates, etc). At this point, I don't know if going from 2-3 would add that much more complications and stress.

[Anonymous]

Two kids was horrible and overwhelming but 3 has been a breeze. I wish I was younger because I would love a 4th

[Anonymous]

I love my second child to the moon and back, but there are many days I fantasize about having stopped at 1, because it would have been such a different, quieter, less exhausting and less chaotic life. And then there are the days I embrace the chaos. 3 would have broken me. We would be vastly outnumbered and I wouldn't have a quiet moment to myself. Ever.

[Anonymous]

You will 100% regret having a third if that is how you are going to look at life. If you instead say I get to do all of these things because we chose to have two kids then your outlook will be much better and you will enjoy having two children much more.
That's not to say that occasionally your heart won't tug towards missing a third child that never happened. If you see a family of three blissfully enjoying something but by and large being able to dedicate more resources including time and money to the two children that you have will be a much better outcome for your family as a whole.
But it will take a shift in mindset that this is something you're choosing and it is a positive thing for you, your children, and your family.

[Anonymous]

One thing I never really thought about since we only have the two children is a lot of our society and country are built for families of four. Whether that be booze roller coaster cars, you name it. Most things can accommodate a group of four but it is much harder to accommodate a group of five, especially as children grow. Our neighbors constantly complained about that. Some trips they took accommodated a family of four and four tickets were included in the price but they had to keep buying an additional ticket for their other child. They said there are a million little things like this that always pop up and it's something I have never thought about.

[Anonymous]

Having another kid is always a huge gamble. You never really know what you're going to get. Easy-going? Ultra challenging? Special needs? Genius? Health issues? Super athlete?

[Anonymous]

Two parents, two kids. Much easier for each to pick one up and run to safety in emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

NP, but I had the opposite reaction. Going from 0-1 felt pretty easy. We just took the baby in the car seat to do most of the things we had done before (which was mostly going to friends' houses, maybe out to dinner on occasion, baseball games). But 1-2 was so much more to juggle (giving two kids attention, the financial commitment, figuring out two sleep schedules, planning meals around two totally different palates, etc). At this point, I don't know if going from 2-3 would add that much more complications and stress.

DP - who has three - most people find three much harder than two, just as most people find two much harder than one. And, having one kid is much harder than having no kids, of course.

IME, each additional kid isn’t a linear increase in difficulty. When you add a third, it increases the number of possible dynamics between any given pair in the family and in the family overall. Kids are in different phases at different times, so you have to account for their various developmental needs and how those interact with those of others. When they get older, the logistics are challenging, even if each kid only does one sport/activity that’s not school-based. Older kids have emotional needs that feel overwhelming for many parents, even typically developing older kids - which, again, is complicated by how those needs interact with those of their siblings. But because it’s “only” three kids, many parents still feel pressure to keep on top of them. Once you get to 4+, it’s often more chaotic - and there’s almost always a SAHP, which matters, too. Almost all the families I know with three have two parents who work FT.

Anyway. I love having three, I love the mess of it all, etc., but I’m also not a perfectionist. I would never try to convince someone on the fence to go for a third, especially not with the “think 30 years into the future!!!” nonsense that people often say. You have to get through those years, and that’s easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

I have three (and both my husband and I are the middle children in three child households). Obviously I love my children and wouldn't change anything (actually, I really wanted four, but that wasn't in the cards!) A few thoughts:
- Odd numbers are hard. One kid always seems to be left out, not just in cases like two-person roller coaster rides, but also in everyday interactions. My kids - girl, boy, boy - get along so well in groups of two, but when all three are together, it always seems like some grouping of two gangs up on the odd one out. Don't know why that is.
- Two driving parents + 3 active kids is really hard to manage! Not impossible, but takes lots of creativity, flexibility, and willingness to ask other parents for help/carpools.
- Third kid pretty babied...I know this might be my own problem, but my baby is so much more babied than the older two were, and this does sometimes have behavioral consequences. I'm sure part of it comes from my own yearnings of still wanting a baby, but a lot of it comes from doing things for him for the good of the familial unit. As an example, where I would have let one of my older kids miss an event for refusal to, say, put on shoes in time, I do it for the younger one so the older two don't have to bear the brunt of his tardiness/consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches!

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.

NP, but I had the opposite reaction. Going from 0-1 felt pretty easy. We just took the baby in the car seat to do most of the things we had done before (which was mostly going to friends' houses, maybe out to dinner on occasion, baseball games). But 1-2 was so much more to juggle (giving two kids attention, the financial commitment, figuring out two sleep schedules, planning meals around two totally different palates, etc). At this point, I don't know if going from 2-3 would add that much more complications and stress.

I agree. I hear so many people say how hard going from zero-1 kid was but not for us. Having 1 kid was easy! Having 2 kids was really hard at first (we had our second when our first had just turned 2 and it essentially felt like having 2 babies…2 in diapers, 2 in cribs, etc) but has mostly gotten easier as they’ve gotten older. It all depends on health issues/disorders as well as your personality and your kids’ personalities and temperaments. Obviously it’ll be harder if you have a kid who is chronically ill or has special needs or learning disorders. Obviously it’ll also be harder if you’re a type A controlling person and your kids are wild and rambunctious and your house is always in chaos.

I always thought I wanted a big family but it turns out 2 is plenty of kids for me. 2 is a lot of work! I already feel spread too thin and not having enough time/energy/money for 2 kids. Plus having kids I realized some things about myself: I like alone time, I dislike loud noises and messy houses and general chaos/disorder. So having a big family doesn’t go well with the personality traits I have. I think I’d be very stressed if I had 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

We always wanted 3. I stayed home once having the 3rd as it was so much easier to manage the household when i did. Older kids were 7 and 4 when third was born. They love their new sibling and are a tremendous help. I was 32, 35, 39.