Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

I feel like this has been posted before, but can’t find the threads and am looking for perspective. I have two young children, and always wanted three kids. My husband and I work full time (and we have a nanny for childcare) and I still find myself completely overwhelmed balancing my kids, my family, my job, our house, and the entire mental load that goes with all of it. I don’t know how I will manage a third child, but feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it. My husband is fine stopping at two. To complicate things, I have remaining PGT tested embryos and know they’re there.

I do not want to have a large age gap if I can avoid it. We are also in our mid thirties and I don’t want to put off a decision forever. We are UMC, so we can technically afford a third child, but it will definitely be a felt expense.

I can’t be the only one conflicted like this. Looking for advice, thoughts, people who’ve been there are decided for or against it, etc.

[Anonymous]

Omg no you will not.

People drastically underestimate the *downside* risk of adding another kid and overestimate the upside.

[Anonymous]

If you’re overwhelmed then don’t. Either you don’t have the same local support system as these other families or there is something different in your situation/present family, but honor that and stop comparing.

I also thought about three but am glad I stopped at 2. Special needs and circumstances surface later on. Children have different activities and friend circles, go in different directions. We have no local family. With two I feel I can give emotional support and presence to both kids. Those who have three are always juggling. Usually they have the proverbial village in terms of local grandparents and other families to help share in carpooling, childcare, etc.

I realize that I idealized what it means to have kids. Could I love another one? Sure. Could I really tend to their personal needs as they go through life? Doubt it. My mom was a SAHM with three kids and one or more of us always had to fend for themselves emotionally or otherwise. It’s no judgment on her, as she was devoted and a much more capable homemaker than me. But three is a LOT. You’ll always be trying to get them away so you can do some pressing thing and these days that means throwing an iPad or video games at them.

[Anonymous]

No you will not .. if it isn't a 100% full steam ahead then stick with your two wonderful kids you have .. I have 3 and wouldn't imagine anything else but let me tell you .. family of 5 .. everything is more difficult .

[Anonymous]

If you’re completely overwhelmed with the number of kids you currently have, DO NOT ADD ANOTHER. There’s no shame in admitting you’re at (or over) your limit. None. There’s still a ton of logistics and emotional support involved in parenting older kids, even if the butt-wiping and sleep deprivation are less present.

We have three but I also never felt overwhelmed with one or two. The only time I’ve felt overwhelmed was during the pandemic when DH and I had zero childcare and three kids at home FT.

Now, you might consider paring back some aspect of your life and figuring out how to function more smoothly. But as a parent of three, my advice is to only have a third child if you feel you have ample bandwidth for that third child. If you’re at, close to, or over your limit, don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

I dunno…if you’ve always wanted a third, I think it’s very possible you will regret it. But only you can know that for sure (and only you can know whether that’s a good enough reason to go for it!)

[Anonymous]

Based on my friends who have wanted a third but not gotten one (in one case infidelity followed by divorce, in another tertiary infertility; lastly years of trying resulting in only miscarriages + TFMR), you will feel the lack of the third VERY KEENLY until your youngest is 6 or 7, and then you will think "this is the perfect family size, I dodged a bullet by not messing with what I have."

Like if you always pictured having a third you will need to be on guard against feeling like you are missing out and have a minor panic "why didn't I try? Is there still time?!!?" episode around age 40, but you won't regret it forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it

I'm sure you know that this isn't a good reason to have a child.

I'm one of three so always thought I'd have three, but I'm happy with my two. (I think this gets easier with time. Mine are teens.)

[Anonymous]

I thought having a third wasn’t that huge of a transition. It helped that the oldest was in elementary school when the third was born. Now that we’re past the baby/daycare/preschool stage and they are all school-aged, it is very manageable. Depending on how involved in activities you want your kids to be, that can take up a lot of time and be a scheduling headache. I’ve found that with three, I care less about scheduling them up, though they all still have things they do.

[Anonymous]

No. I was on the fence, now my kids are teens. I can't imagine going through the teen years one more time. I just cannot. You have to look beyond the sweet baby years to the tough parts and the expensive parts.

[Anonymous]

Oh man no regrets here but wow it is a lot harder and way more expensive! But no regrets, love my littlest and can’t imagine life without him. We were like you and decided to try and see what happened and got pregnant at the first try.

[Anonymous]

I do have regrets about not having a third, but financially it would have been so much harder.

[Anonymous]

I had a miscarriage at 39 when our 2nd was a little over a year old. We considered trying again but a slew of family illnesses, unexpected work travel, life circumstances...then all of the sudden we were in the pandemic with a preschooler and young elementary schooler and I knew we were done. I sometimes still feel a pang and some what ifs, but I feel that way about many life choices. What if we had moved out of state during the pandemic like we considered? What if I had taken that other job or stayed home instead of working? Sometimes you just have to live in the gray area.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]No you will not .. if it isn't a 100% full steam ahead then stick with your two wonderful kids you have .. I have 3 and wouldn't imagine anything else but let me tell you .. family of 5 .. everything is more difficult . [/quote]

Agree! Everything is harder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re completely overwhelmed with the number of kids you currently have, DO NOT ADD ANOTHER. There’s no shame in admitting you’re at (or over) your limit. None. There’s still a ton of logistics and emotional support involved in parenting older kids, even if the butt-wiping and sleep deprivation are less present.

We have three but I also never felt overwhelmed with one or two. The only time I’ve felt overwhelmed was during the pandemic when DH and I had zero childcare and three kids at home FT.

Now, you might consider paring back some aspect of your life and figuring out how to function more smoothly. But as a parent of three, my advice is to only have a third child if you feel you have ample bandwidth for that third child. If you’re at, close to, or over your limit, don’t do it.

+1
And don't frame it in terms of "success" or "failure." That's not what kids are. They aren't a way of keeping score.