Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people in here defending their “I’m sorry” reply, you really should listen. I am not divorced, so no defensiveness here, but think about it, by saying you’re sorry, you are really implying something negative in a decision that somebody has made. That’s just rude. I would never say that to someone who tells me they’re getting divorced. Sometimes I say something like, oh, that can be hard, hope everyone is doing okay. That leaves them open to let me know, like OP, I’m doing good, this is for the best. Heck, I have to refrain from saying, congrats, lucky you! Because most days I wish that I too were getting divorced. So, OP, congrats!

NP - I’m sorry is a fairly inoffensive thing to say in this situation; most people divorcing aren’t over the moon about every aspect of it. Getting THAT offended by a well-intentioned “I’m sorry” is more about the person hearing it than the one saying it.

That said, I appreciate the “thanks for telling me; how are you doing” verbiage a PP suggested. Sometimes we struggle to find the words for difficult situations; these are useful.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be such a B. They don’t k ow what your situation was. They are being polite and nice. You aren’t.

[Anonymous]

The alternate responses suggested could also be considered rude. Asking how someone is doing can feel like prying, offering help can read as pity, saying that you hadn’t heard can feel like a condemnation for keeping you in the dark.

Maybe “thank you for telling me…I’m always here to talk”… or is that also presumptuous? After all of this I would probably still say a simple “I’m sorry”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be such a B. They don’t k ow what your situation was. They are being polite and nice. You aren’t.

Yep and I bet her ex is the lucky one now.

[Anonymous]

You don't know what other people have gone through. There are a lot of ACOD who don't agree with their parents' divorce or think it was unnecessary. For a lot of people their parents getting divorced was switching out one set of problems for another set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

Yep. Anybody who pushes back hard on somebody saying "I'm sorry" has a distinct feeling of trying to hard. You can say "no, it's okay - it's for the best", but if you're flippant and casual about it, people will see right through you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

+1.

This forum needs to stop with the whole divorce wrecks kids lives / shatters them / rips their world apart. Seriously just stop. I’m the child of a divorced couple. My dad was awful and my mom made the right decision to leave and I was just fine with everything. And here I am sitting in my beautiful house with an awesome career and a fantastic husband and kids of my own, so I turned out just fine.

As opposed to you wouldn’t rather that they had a great marriage and stayed together. Okay, you.

[Anonymous]

Not surprising OP is divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

Probably because we view divorce as a failure. Getting married is a huge milestone and big decision. To know you/your spouse picked badly is pitiful. People pity you. They don't want to be in your position. They say sorry thinking it will comfort you.

And this is the problem. It is absolutely the wrong thing to say because it has the opposite effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people in here defending their “I’m sorry” reply, you really should listen. I am not divorced, so no defensiveness here, but think about it, by saying you’re sorry, you are really implying something negative in a decision that somebody has made. That’s just rude. I would never say that to someone who tells me they’re getting divorced. Sometimes I say something like, oh, that can be hard, hope everyone is doing okay. That leaves them open to let me know, like OP, I’m doing good, this is for the best. Heck, I have to refrain from saying, congrats, lucky you! Because most days I wish that I too were getting divorced. So, OP, congrats!

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It likely involves some logistical complications, no?

Even if it's the best thing ever, there's a move involved for someone, and some complicated paperwork. Is there anyone who actually enjoys that part?

Yes, I did enjoy getting the hell out. It was not that complicated at all. Paperwork. Not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The alternate responses suggested could also be considered rude. Asking how someone is doing can feel like prying, offering help can read as pity, saying that you hadn’t heard can feel like a condemnation for keeping you in the dark.

Maybe “thank you for telling me…I’m always here to talk”… or is that also presumptuous? After all of this I would probably still say a simple “I’m sorry”.

No, that is not presumptuous at all. "I'm sorry" is.

[Anonymous]

They are sorry your marriage failed and trying to be caring. You sound strange OP.

[Anonymous]

Some people REALLY want to be offended. If a person isn’t close enough to you to know that you’re overjoyed to be getting divorced and are not sad in the slightest, then maybe you can show them some grace since they’re just trying to be polite.

[Anonymous]

I once told a new acquaintance "I'm sorry" when she informed me she was getting divorced. Her response was "I'm not!" We laughed and I told her in that case, I'm happy for her. We've been friends ever since.