6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be normal or something that happens, but it doesn't make it good. I went through this myself, it sucks. Just because friends may have some different interests, it's not ok to just dump your friends. A kid shouldn't have to load up on activities just to make friends.

On the other hand, at 6th you can make your own friends and don't have to hang out with someone just because your friendship is the basis of your parents' friendship. ES friends are heavily based on parents and proximity, but middle school they start to be more about the kids themselves and groups naturally break up and reform

ES friends based on proximity maybe, but the ones based on parents only happens when the parents are over involved in their kids lives. When moms go to the bus stop each day instead of letting them walk home with who they want to. When you put them in activities based on others instead of your own kid’s actual interests. When moms stay at the birthday party to socialize. Who did Larla really want invite?

A wise mom once told me to never ever let mom friends become your real friends. Just your hi and bye friends. This is neighborhood, school, and sports mom friends. You will subconsciously do more harm than good to your own kids. And they will emulate you and follow the hand and forget her own personality and interests. She will want to do an activity because others do. She won’t even ask herself if she would truly like it. And then you get into middle school and the following becomes worse. You are stripping your child of their own childhood and identity.

A kid friend group based on a mom friend group sounds like the exact situation here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

I'm a person who is willing to be that open, but I also know that if I'm honest and say "your kid is a PITA to the group" some moms will be truly hurt, because they just can't imagine that their special snowflake is a PITA.

Well then they are not real friends. My REAL friends and I are open with each other about how our kids can be giant PITAs with each other and with us, have good and bad points, strengths and weaknesses, etc. We are open and honest with each other. We sugar coat nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

Ugh - no, no, no. When will you moms stfo of your kids lives. These moms are not OP’s real friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

But they aren't really her friends. They are the parents of her daughter's classmates who have told each other that they are friends. I learned this lesson the hard way with one of my neighbors. Every once in awhile a mom friend becomes a real friend, but that is rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

Ugh - no, no, no. When will you moms stfo of your kids lives. These moms are not OP’s real friends.

OP said they were her FRIENDS. She mentioned several times that they were friends.

I guess they are just mom "friends".
If you can't have this type of conversation then they are "friends" and nothing more.
Move on OP.

[Anonymous]

This area and their micromanaging friendships are to blame.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. This happened to one of my kids in middle school.

I get that friends change, but the way that the parents handled it was crappy. I didn’t expect them to actually do anything but they pretended like it wasn’t happening.

My kid has found a couple new friends and there is practically no drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This happened to one of my kids in middle school.

I get that friends change, but the way that the parents handled it was crappy. I didn’t expect them to actually do anything but they pretended like it wasn’t happening.

My kid has found a couple new friends and there is practically no drama.

What would you have wanted them to say/do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is in 6th grade and has been attending her current PK-12 since Kindergarten. She has always had a strong group of friends with whom she participates in sports teams and other activities. DH and I have become friends with many of the parents over the years. This fall, on multiple occasions, DD has not been invited to playdates, sleepovers, parties, etc. The group attending these events tends to be somewhat amorphous -- a portion of the group will be invited, in most cases -- but DD is never one of the kids included. She has reported some horrible behavior from one girl who is a leader and has often been quite mean over the years (when she's not being super, super nice.). DD also reports that another close friend, who has always been a very low drama kid, now ignores DD at lunch, doesn't invite her over when she's hosting groups, and pointedly excludes DD from activities (as in, DD is not allowed to join even when she directly asks.)

It's heartbreaking and confusing for DD. She has tried to approach the formerly low-drama friend to understand what is going on, but the friend just says, "Everything is fine" and walks away. We have invited some of these girls over for playdates or sleepovers a few times, and they always decline.

I'm trying not to make this about me, but I'm also super annoyed at the parents (my friends!) for not being more sensitive about this. After one school event, DD watched as 6 of her best friends climbed into a car for a sleepover. She cried for hours. When I've casually approached a few of the parents about DD having issues this year with being excluded, they said, "Oh, I had no idea!" and then nothing changes. I hesitate pushing more -- what is the answer? They force their DDs to invite my DD to things? That would likely make things worse.

How do I help her navigate this? I understand the occasional mean behavior in middle school, but it seems like DD is getting the total freeze out from a group she has been close to since she was 5. We talk about her finding friends that make her feel good about herself, but it's easier said than done to find a whole new group of friends. This is especially true when she is involved in after school activities with many of them.

Appreciate any advice.

Change schools. Maybe wait out the year to see if this changes, but it's not likely to, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

The first bolded part often happens for the mental well being of the harassed employee, because that is real life not a movie with a happy ending.

The 2nd bolded item, yes there are mean kids everywhere, but they will not have grown up with your child for 6 years to the point where she sees them as almost family. It will hurt less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This area and their micromanaging friendships are to blame.

x1000000

Stay out of it and let your child grow in a healthy direction, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This happened to one of my kids in middle school.

I get that friends change, but the way that the parents handled it was crappy. I didn’t expect them to actually do anything but they pretended like it wasn’t happening.

My kid has found a couple new friends and there is practically no drama.

What would you have wanted them to say/do?

+1

You can not make kids (or adults!) be friends. Be realistic. Yes, it is heartbreaking - but it is MORE heartbreaking to try to force it, and bring shame on your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

Let it go.