Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many solutions here. Invite him to outside play dates. Invite him, but make sure his mom or dad is included in the invite. Just say “we’d love to have Larlo over to play, but I think we need to team up to supervise because of the sconce incident. Can you come with him this time?”

Or go on a two family outing to the zoo or wherever.

I think you weren’t really friends with this mom because these are the first of a long list of things I would try to do to keep a friend with a behavior challenge kid included. Once your kids are old enough to exclude him themselves, force a certain amount and do more mom-only things, which will be easier when they are older.

I am very good friends with the mom. We have been friends for a decade since her older child and my oldest child were babies. Our mutual friends and I threw the baby shower for this boy with behavioral problems. Before Covid, the boy was a toddler or in early preschool. Most kids tantrum and whine so I didn’t notice.

You can do things with only the mom. I have an ADHD boy and we do play dates with other boys like him and they are always outdoors and involve physical exercise- biking, swimming, rock climbing etc.

[Anonymous]

I was in a situation where it was SN AND bad parenting. No amount of bad parenting can lead to behaviors I saw, but I also witnessed bad parenting as well.
I tried to be understanding for too long, but finally came around after the mom had to jump in the pool to prevent the boy from drowning his sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a situation where it was SN AND bad parenting. No amount of bad parenting can lead to behaviors I saw, but I also witnessed bad parenting as well.
I tried to be understanding for too long, but finally came around after the mom had to jump in the pool to prevent the boy from drowning his sister.

Poor mom. You should have iced her out much earlier so that she wouldn't have to deal with her children AND your judgment.

[Anonymous]

OP - you have answered.othwr questions but have specifically avoided the one about what the parent response is. When the kid was pulling out lighting or hitting people, what do the parents do? Did they leave? Did they apologize? Did they hiver the whole time and still this happened?

I feel like you are avoiding answering those questions and it makes me think the parent is super involved and struggling and trying all the strategies and you and your social group is still isolating them after ten years of friendship. Which probably sucks for the other family who is already suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like OP needs yo come back and clarify hold this child is. If he was a toddler before the panic thinking he’s like 4 and then this behavior, while not totally normal and not great is different than if he’s 9. I know there are multiple kids at our preschool who have hit at least once. Not great but again very different to me. I would definitely want to see how things turn out before trashing a friendship over it.

Op here. The last time we saw one another before Covid, the boy was 3 and my daughter was 2. Now they are 5 and 6 and in kindergarten and 1st grade. We hung out often when both our kids were babies and toddlers.

In another 5-7 years, she won’t be bringing her child around with her anymore, and you can resume the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have answered.othwr questions but have specifically avoided the one about what the parent response is. When the kid was pulling out lighting or hitting people, what do the parents do? Did they leave? Did they apologize? Did they hiver the whole time and still this happened?

I feel like you are avoiding answering those questions and it makes me think the parent is super involved and struggling and trying all the strategies and you and your social group is still isolating them after ten years of friendship. Which probably sucks for the other family who is already suffering.

They are middle of road. They don’t hover. They do correct bad behavior and investigate situation if child makes others cry. Their older child is wonderful and well behaved. As I mentioned in the OP, I suspect child has some sort of behavioral disorder. I don’t know if parents have had him tested. Mom doesn’t discuss any concerns or parenting hardships. She isn’t a complainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a situation where it was SN AND bad parenting. No amount of bad parenting can lead to behaviors I saw, but I also witnessed bad parenting as well.
I tried to be understanding for too long, but finally came around after the mom had to jump in the pool to prevent the boy from drowning his sister.

Poor mom. You should have iced her out much earlier so that she wouldn't have to deal with her children AND your judgment.

You are absolutely right, but I was too spineless then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

You can feel guilty but subjecting your kid to another kidnthat hits them and makes them cry is cruelty. You're making the right choice protecting your kid. Your kid’s safety is.more important than the mom's hurt feelings.

+1

I had to do this recently. I thought my kid found a nice new friend last spring until we learned this year that that friend (elementary school) is violent and was hitting other children, both boys and girls, at a camp. My kid, who liked him, fessed up that the boy hit him at school. So yes, I’ve stopped all play dates. I like his mom but saw first hand once that she does not rein her kid in and gets more upset when someone goes back at him for being cruel and he cries.

[Anonymous]

It’s a terrible situation to which there are no good answers. I suspect she’s doing her best. OTOH, we were insufficiently vigilant when we allowed our child to visit with a child like this, and had a serious injury to deal with as a result. Nobody meant for anything bad to happen, of course, but that doesn’t change anything. It’s a hard path for the parents who have to deal with this, but if we had to do it again I’d keep more distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have answered.othwr questions but have specifically avoided the one about what the parent response is. When the kid was pulling out lighting or hitting people, what do the parents do? Did they leave? Did they apologize? Did they hiver the whole time and still this happened?

I feel like you are avoiding answering those questions and it makes me think the parent is super involved and struggling and trying all the strategies and you and your social group is still isolating them after ten years of friendship. Which probably sucks for the other family who is already suffering.

They are middle of road. They don’t hover. They do correct bad behavior and investigate situation if child makes others cry. Their older child is wonderful and well behaved. As I mentioned in the OP, I suspect child has some sort of behavioral disorder. I don’t know if parents have had him tested. Mom doesn’t discuss any concerns or parenting hardships. She isn’t a complainer.

The problem here is that this child’s behavior is very abnormal and either the mom is in denial or she is not confiding in you, which is surprising since you have known each other for so long.

So you should just tell her OP that due to the child’s behavior of hitting and making your kids cry, that they don’t want to play with him. Let’s just have mom get together now and then.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a lot of the kids of the judgmental parents in this thread are going to end up with severe anxiety issues in high schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

He hits and makes other kids cry and your answer is “meet them outside?” Yeah, no. The correct answer is, as they’ve been doing, “don’t meet them at all.”

Dp. He probably won't hit outside. Being in a less stressful environment for the and being able to burn off energy freely can go a long way for an ADHD kid. Maybe he has other issues, we don't know. But the people here with experience with children with ADHD are suggesting outside for good reason.

But, you do you with your "correct answer." 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for your permission. I will.

-adult with ADHD who’s pretty sick of internet strangers assuming every kid with behavior regulation issues and no professional diagnosis has ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

He hits and makes other kids cry and your answer is “meet them outside?” Yeah, no. The correct answer is, as they’ve been doing, “don’t meet them at all.”

I’m the PP with the teen, and your answer is wrong.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of the kids of the judgmental parents in this thread are going to end up with severe anxiety issues in high schools.

But they are all good parents! Not like those other parents with "bad kids".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have answered.othwr questions but have specifically avoided the one about what the parent response is. When the kid was pulling out lighting or hitting people, what do the parents do? Did they leave? Did they apologize? Did they hiver the whole time and still this happened?

I feel like you are avoiding answering those questions and it makes me think the parent is super involved and struggling and trying all the strategies and you and your social group is still isolating them after ten years of friendship. Which probably sucks for the other family who is already suffering.

They are middle of road. They don’t hover. They do correct bad behavior and investigate situation if child makes others cry. Their older child is wonderful and well behaved. As I mentioned in the OP, I suspect child has some sort of behavioral disorder. I don’t know if parents have had him tested. Mom doesn’t discuss any concerns or parenting hardships. She isn’t a complainer.

The problem here is that this child’s behavior is very abnormal and either the mom is in denial or she is not confiding in you, which is surprising since you have known each other for so long.

So you should just tell her OP that due to the child’s behavior of hitting and making your kids cry, that they don’t want to play with him. Let’s just have mom get together now and then.

Have you read this thread? It s not surprising at all that the other mother has not confided in OP. The judgment and lack of compassion you see here is what a parent with a kid with SN encounters every single day. She should confide in OP who silently diagnoses her child and then excludes her family? You have no idea what you are talking about.

OP, you won’t be the first or the last person to “ice out” a friend who needs support. Just do it and get it over with so the other mom can grieve another loss and move on.