Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has a very difficult child. The boy is out of control and doesn’t listen to anyone. The last time he was over our house, he pulled permanent fixtures off the walls of my house, made my child cry multiple times, was hitting other kids and my kid. I suspect he has ADD and/or ADHD.

I love the mom, dad and other child. I host a lot of play dates and have not invited them over again. Once was enough. We hung out a lot before Covid but the boy was a toddler then.

I saw another mom who is also close to this family and she straight up refuses to go anywhere or have the boy over. She will hang with the parents and other child. Her kids go to the same school and said other families avoid the kid.

I’m sure the mom can feel like they are being excluded. Do I even mention why we don’t invite them anymore? Does she already know?

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

[Anonymous]

What is the parent’s response when these things happen? Is she blasé about it and says things like “Oh that’s how boys are sometimes!” Does she seemed stressed or overwhelmed, like she knows it’s a problem but doesn’t know what to do?

[Anonymous]

Mom of two very easy, neurotypical girls here, so not being defensive personally when I ask:

Can we call this little boy “a boy who has behavioral issues and possibly ADD/ADHD or something like that” instead of “a bad boy”?

I agree with the poster who says just try to meet up outside if you’re going to have kids involved, and make sure to invite her to non-kid stuff like dinners, brunches, movies, etc.

[Anonymous]

She knows.

You can feel guilty but subjecting your kid to another kidnthat hits them and makes them cry is cruelty. You're making the right choice protecting your kid. Your kid’s safety is.more important than the mom's hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

So nice of you to call him a bad child. Great person you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

You can feel guilty but subjecting your kid to another kidnthat hits them and makes them cry is cruelty. You're making the right choice protecting your kid. Your kid’s safety is.more important than the mom's hurt feelings.

+1

[Anonymous]

You see the mom adults only. It’s a bit more work, but only fair to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two very easy, neurotypical girls here, so not being defensive personally when I ask:

Can we call this little boy “a boy who has behavioral issues and possibly ADD/ADHD or something like that” instead of “a bad boy”?

I agree with the poster who says just try to meet up outside if you’re going to have kids involved, and make sure to invite her to non-kid stuff like dinners, brunches, movies, etc.

Agree, the name is problematic.

[Anonymous]

There are so many solutions here. Invite him to outside play dates. Invite him, but make sure his mom or dad is included in the invite. Just say “we’d love to have Larlo over to play, but I think we need to team up to supervise because of the sconce incident. Can you come with him this time?”

Or go on a two family outing to the zoo or wherever.

I think you weren’t really friends with this mom because these are the first of a long list of things I would try to do to keep a friend with a behavior challenge kid included. Once your kids are old enough to exclude him themselves, force a certain amount and do more mom-only things, which will be easier when they are older.

[Anonymous]

My closest friend has a boy like this, but perhaps not quite as destructive and my kids love him. We spend a lot of time at the park, on hikes and other places the kids can expend a ton of energy.

She is working to get her kid appropriate resources and mental health treatment. It's exhausting for her too.

When I've had enough, I take a break from kid social engagements for a bit and just see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two very easy, neurotypical girls here, so not being defensive personally when I ask:

Can we call this little boy “a boy who has behavioral issues and possibly ADD/ADHD or something like that” instead of “a bad boy”?

I agree with the poster who says just try to meet up outside if you’re going to have kids involved, and make sure to invite her to non-kid stuff like dinners, brunches, movies, etc.

+1, there is almost definitely something more going on here like you noted so a first place to start would be trying to reframe what’s going on. I’m sure it wasn’t intentional but it’s hurtful and inaccurate. I will say I am a parent of a 4 year old boy with suspected adhd if my son was struggling to this level at these kinds of events I would be choosing on my own not to go because it’s clearly too much for him and not safe for others. But I would greatly appreciate a friend who continued to be present in my life and if she’s open to talking about what they’re going through you could ask what kind of settings he does best in so you could plan something like that (for example, the more kids the harder it is for my son, a 1:1 hangout in the morning with lots of physical activity is great for him).

as we’ve been working with professionals many have mentioned that 4 is a really hard age for kids struggling with this. So hopefully it will get better. And I am open with my friends about what we’re going through but I admit it’s not easy as there is a lot of bias and judgement about adhd. I guess I feel like being open is best for all of us so if she’s open to more conversations with you, that would be a place to start. I would imagine she’s struggling with how to handle everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many solutions here. Invite him to outside play dates. Invite him, but make sure his mom or dad is included in the invite. Just say “we’d love to have Larlo over to play, but I think we need to team up to supervise because of the sconce incident. Can you come with him this time?”

Or go on a two family outing to the zoo or wherever.

I think you weren’t really friends with this mom because these are the first of a long list of things I would try to do to keep a friend with a behavior challenge kid included. Once your kids are old enough to exclude him themselves, force a certain amount and do more mom-only things, which will be easier when they are older.

I am very good friends with the mom. We have been friends for a decade since her older child and my oldest child were babies. Our mutual friends and I threw the baby shower for this boy with behavioral problems. Before Covid, the boy was a toddler or in early preschool. Most kids tantrum and whine so I didn’t notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many solutions here. Invite him to outside play dates. Invite him, but make sure his mom or dad is included in the invite. Just say “we’d love to have Larlo over to play, but I think we need to team up to supervise because of the sconce incident. Can you come with him this time?”

Or go on a two family outing to the zoo or wherever.

I think you weren’t really friends with this mom because these are the first of a long list of things I would try to do to keep a friend with a behavior challenge kid included. Once your kids are old enough to exclude him themselves, force a certain amount and do more mom-only things, which will be easier when they are older.

I am very good friends with the mom. We have been friends for a decade since her older child and my oldest child were babies. Our mutual friends and I threw the baby shower for this boy with behavioral problems. Before Covid, the boy was a toddler or in early preschool. Most kids tantrum and whine so I didn’t notice.

It sounds like you have been friends for a long time. Just do non-kid stuff or outdoor stuff--like hikes, playground, whatever. I wouldn't have a child over that destroyed the house.