Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

His other parent can stay with him while mom goes out and maintains friendships.
Mom can also go out for coffee/lunch breaks with friends when kid is at school. Then there are grandparents and other family too. Mom can and should have her own social life outside of her child. Sure, parents without SN and kids without SN aren’t likely to be best friends with him. This is normal and to be expected. Mom can work on finding him a group of friends (maybe others with SN also). But his friends do not need to be her friends’ children.

Not everyone has that kind of support, but even that still sounds like it "sucks to be her" as pp put it.

It sounded like OP’s friend is married. Expecting dad to stay with him every now and then and taking a coffee/lunch with a friend occasionally doesn’t require some huge support system ..this is doable for most

Sometimes. But dad might be short tempered and yell or hit the kid when he misbehaves. That’s not uncommon with a kid with behavioral problems. Doubtless there are people in this thread who would agree with that approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

His other parent can stay with him while mom goes out and maintains friendships.
Mom can also go out for coffee/lunch breaks with friends when kid is at school. Then there are grandparents and other family too. Mom can and should have her own social life outside of her child. Sure, parents without SN and kids without SN aren’t likely to be best friends with him. This is normal and to be expected. Mom can work on finding him a group of friends (maybe others with SN also). But his friends do not need to be her friends’ children.

Not everyone has that kind of support, but even that still sounds like it "sucks to be her" as pp put it.

It sounded like OP’s friend is married. Expecting dad to stay with him every now and then and taking a coffee/lunch with a friend occasionally doesn’t require some huge support system ..this is doable for most

I'm glad you're here to mansplain to us how easy it is to have a "bad" kid.

Easy peasy. Especially with friends like these.

I never said anything about how easy it is to have a SN kids. Only that you can continue your friendships with your other adult friends through seeing each other without kids. Do you really expect your friends to tolerate your child if they have very difficult/destructive/annoying/inappropriate behaviors, just bc he belongs to you? I’d expect Grandma to put up with it, but I wouldn’t expect that from my neighbor friend

[Anonymous]

It really matters how the parents react in the moment. Frankly, I can't understand how he had the opportunity to do so much damage in one visit -- that suggests that they aren't reacting, they aren't leaving when it's clear he can't keep it together, etc. And that would be a dealbreaker. I'm happy to maintain a friendship, but I'm not putting my kid in the line of fire and I'm not going to sit and watch while you fail to intervene when it's clearly necessary. It's just setting everyone up to fail.

[Anonymous]

You would know better than us how much she is aware versus being in denial. I'm sure it's not easy to have a child behaving this way.

That said, I don't believe you need to put your child in a dangerous position by inviting this child over. Even meeting at a playground will probably result in this child hitting others.

Maybe it's different for boy moms, but I want it to be clear to my daughters that we don't put up with people hitting us just because we feel sorry for them or think they can't help it. It sucks when it's a child and by extension his whole family getting left out, but it sounds like their priority should be getting professional help right now. BBQs with the friend group should be far down the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

+1

#1 is the constant concern that the kid will grow up to be a functioning adult

#2 is losing all of your "friends"

Yes, especially #2.

Of course she feels it, OP. She feels it for herself and for both her children.

This thread makes me so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

He hits and makes other kids cry and your answer is “meet them outside?” Yeah, no. The correct answer is, as they’ve been doing, “don’t meet them at all.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean hyperactive ADHD.

ADD is now called inattentive ADHD, and that's the quiet, daydreaming kind, where a kid is more likely to be bullied than to be a bully.

Just want to rectify the OP, because my son has severe inattentive ADHD and has never done anything like the OP describes.

In the same situation, I would not invite this out of control child again. Special needs can and should be accommodated, but only when the parent and child make every effort to control the worst behaviors. It will take a few years for the parents in this case to consult a psychiatrist, get an evaluation, and start medication. If everyone pretends everything is fine, they will have less incentive to do so, and their child will suffer.

No, she doesn’t mean that. Many other mental health issues cause out of control behavior besides ADHD.

[Anonymous]

I feel like OP needs yo come back and clarify hold this child is. If he was a toddler before the panic thinking he’s like 4 and then this behavior, while not totally normal and not great is different than if he’s 9. I know there are multiple kids at our preschool who have hit at least once. Not great but again very different to me. I would definitely want to see how things turn out before trashing a friendship over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like OP needs yo come back and clarify hold this child is. If he was a toddler before the panic thinking he’s like 4 and then this behavior, while not totally normal and not great is different than if he’s 9. I know there are multiple kids at our preschool who have hit at least once. Not great but again very different to me. I would definitely want to see how things turn out before trashing a friendship over it.

*before the pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Duh, of course they will be excluded. No one wants to deal with this kind of behavior.

I know with a kid with a diagnosis and impulse control issues. He tried to hurt multiple kids and was kicked out from all after school care programs and for a period he was suspended from school, as well.

His mom is always upset about people excluding her son. Really?

Why should anyone put up with this behavior?

Healthy people have boundaries.

We don’t care what kind of diagnosis it is. Would you hang out with a schizophrenic because you are nice and want to be inclusive.

Sorry, but your mental health issues is not everyone problem.
Honestly, I don’t think they should be allowed in school either.

Sorry, who is this "they" you are speaking about? I'm sure you could not possibly be suggesting that a particular group of human beings beings be denied access to their rights, correct?

“They” is kids who have no self control and harm others and/or create a violent environment for everyone else. Snatching scones from walls is violent.

Got it. So, lock ‘em up? I feel like that has been tried already. Does anyone remember learning about the holocaust?

Are you always this melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

More likely it’s bad parenting, or neglectful in that they allowed them to reach this age and not address this when the child was 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More likely it’s bad parenting, or neglectful in that they allowed them to reach this age and not address this when the child was 2.

This is the attitude that isolates parents struggling to figure out how to help their child.

PP, if you know someone in this situation, please ice them out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

He hits and makes other kids cry and your answer is “meet them outside?” Yeah, no. The correct answer is, as they’ve been doing, “don’t meet them at all.”

Dp. He probably won't hit outside. Being in a less stressful environment for the and being able to burn off energy freely can go a long way for an ADHD kid. Maybe he has other issues, we don't know. But the people here with experience with children with ADHD are suggesting outside for good reason.

But, you do you with your "correct answer." 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

He hits and makes other kids cry and your answer is “meet them outside?” Yeah, no. The correct answer is, as they’ve been doing, “don’t meet them at all.”

I’m the PP with the teen, and your answer is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like OP needs yo come back and clarify hold this child is. If he was a toddler before the panic thinking he’s like 4 and then this behavior, while not totally normal and not great is different than if he’s 9. I know there are multiple kids at our preschool who have hit at least once. Not great but again very different to me. I would definitely want to see how things turn out before trashing a friendship over it.

Op here. The last time we saw one another before Covid, the boy was 3 and my daughter was 2. Now they are 5 and 6 and in kindergarten and 1st grade. We hung out often when both our kids were babies and toddlers.