Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two very easy, neurotypical girls here, so not being defensive personally when I ask:

Can we call this little boy “a boy who has behavioral issues and possibly ADD/ADHD or something like that” instead of “a bad boy”?

I agree with the poster who says just try to meet up outside if you’re going to have kids involved, and make sure to invite her to non-kid stuff like dinners, brunches, movies, etc.

Agree, the name is problematic.

Plus 100

Completely agree. A very wise preschool teacher told me once that no child comes into the world "bad" -- they are all trying to communicate something to us, a need or a problem, and it is our job as adults to figure out what is going on and meet those needs. Often those challenging preschoolers eventually are found to have hearing or vision problems, ADHD, food allergies that affect the nervous system, learning differences that cause frustration and confusion, trauma at home, undiagnosed neurological issues, and a host of other things that are difficult to diagnose in a child who cannot communicate physical or emotional needs accurately. When a child "acts out" ask yourself what is happening inside the child. What is the trigger? Where is the miscue? Why is this child having difficulty learning the behaviors that the other kids have already figured out?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this (ADHD and defiant). Her child was exactly how you describe at a younger age. I stopped having them over as a family. Now that her child is older and medicated, he isn’t destructive or out of control anymore but he still is problematic. He antagonizes other kids, swears, sometimes says inappropriate things, sometimes of a somewhat sexual nature (he is 12). So IMO, it doesn’t get better with age but the problems just change. My kids don’t like to be around him. The only time seeing them as a whole family works is if it is a very large gathering where there are lots of kids and he can be avoided. Otherwise, I just meet up with the mom now and we do couple date nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

You can feel guilty but subjecting your kid to another kidnthat hits them and makes them cry is cruelty. You're making the right choice protecting your kid. Your kid’s safety is.more important than the mom's hurt feelings.

x1000000

[Anonymous]

This happens to parents of SN children all the time, regardless of whether their children are well behaved or not.

[Anonymous]

The mom knows. You don't need to say anything. Four is hard for ADHD, but the other posters are right to suggest meeting outdoors. Dinner can be pizza at a playground. The kid may not be destructive or mean if he's able to run outdoors. It's a lot easier on ADHD kids to be at a playground, and you won't know f that will resolve most of the issues unless you try.

[Anonymous]

She already knows. Be supportive and maintain the friendship with her only. But please don't subject your child to the antics of this other kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two very easy, neurotypical girls here, so not being defensive personally when I ask:

Can we call this little boy “a boy who has behavioral issues and possibly ADD/ADHD or something like that” instead of “a bad boy”?

I agree with the poster who says just try to meet up outside if you’re going to have kids involved, and make sure to invite her to non-kid stuff like dinners, brunches, movies, etc.

Agree, the name is problematic.

Wrong wording but we all know what she meant

[Anonymous]

I would definitively keep my kids away from that bad boy.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a child with some severe special needs, I urge you to just ice her out already. It’s painful enough to be shunned by society and worse when it’s drawn out. Hopefully she can find a good group of SN parents who actually get it.

[Anonymous]

OP is not aware of a diagnosis.

Did they leave the second he ripped a sconce off the wall?

TBH most of the time it's bad parenting that makes these kids worse. Avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two very easy, neurotypical girls here, so not being defensive personally when I ask:

Can we call this little boy “a boy who has behavioral issues and possibly ADD/ADHD or something like that” instead of “a bad boy”?

I agree with the poster who says just try to meet up outside if you’re going to have kids involved, and make sure to invite her to non-kid stuff like dinners, brunches, movies, etc.

Agree, the name is problematic.

Plus 100

Completely agree. A very wise preschool teacher told me once that no child comes into the world "bad" -- they are all trying to communicate something to us, a need or a problem, and it is our job as adults to figure out what is going on and meet those needs. Often those challenging preschoolers eventually are found to have hearing or vision problems, ADHD, food allergies that affect the nervous system, learning differences that cause frustration and confusion, trauma at home, undiagnosed neurological issues, and a host of other things that are difficult to diagnose in a child who cannot communicate physical or emotional needs accurately. When a child "acts out" ask yourself what is happening inside the child. What is the trigger? Where is the miscue? Why is this child having difficulty learning the behaviors that the other kids have already figured out?

Then it's sad that their parents are not helping them but it is not the responsibility of anyone else. I am not going to allow such a child to harm my children or to ravage my house.

[Anonymous]

Duh, of course they will be excluded. No one wants to deal with this kind of behavior.

I know with a kid with a diagnosis and impulse control issues. He tried to hurt multiple kids and was kicked out from all after school care programs and for a period he was suspended from school, as well.

His mom is always upset about people excluding her son. Really?

Why should anyone put up with this behavior?

Healthy people have boundaries.

We don’t care what kind of diagnosis it is. Would you hang out with a schizophrenic because you are nice and want to be inclusive.

Sorry, but your mental health issues is not everyone problem.
Honestly, I don’t think they should be allowed in school either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not aware of a diagnosis.

Did they leave the second he ripped a sconce off the wall?

TBH most of the time it's bad parenting that makes these kids worse. Avoid.

That is so extremely discriminatory!

Seriously disgusting POV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Duh, of course they will be excluded. No one wants to deal with this kind of behavior.

I know with a kid with a diagnosis and impulse control issues. He tried to hurt multiple kids and was kicked out from all after school care programs and for a period he was suspended from school, as well.

His mom is always upset about people excluding her son. Really?

Why should anyone put up with this behavior?

Healthy people have boundaries.

We don’t care what kind of diagnosis it is. Would you hang out with a schizophrenic because you are nice and want to be inclusive.

Sorry, but your mental health issues is not everyone problem.
Honestly, I don’t think they should be allowed in school either.

Sorry, who is this "they" you are speaking about? I'm sure you could not possibly be suggesting that a particular group of human beings beings be denied access to their rights, correct?

[Anonymous]

She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.