Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many solutions here. Invite him to outside play dates. Invite him, but make sure his mom or dad is included in the invite. Just say “we’d love to have Larlo over to play, but I think we need to team up to supervise because of the sconce incident. Can you come with him this time?”

Or go on a two family outing to the zoo or wherever.

I think you weren’t really friends with this mom because these are the first of a long list of things I would try to do to keep a friend with a behavior challenge kid included. Once your kids are old enough to exclude him themselves, force a certain amount and do more mom-only things, which will be easier when they are older.

I am very good friends with the mom. We have been friends for a decade since her older child and my oldest child were babies. Our mutual friends and I threw the baby shower for this boy with behavioral problems. Before Covid, the boy was a toddler or in early preschool. Most kids tantrum and whine so I didn’t notice.

It sounds like you have been friends for a long time. Just do non-kid stuff or outdoor stuff--like hikes, playground, whatever. I wouldn't have a child over that destroyed the house.

I have met up with the mom one on one.

Our close friend group were all family friends so it was mostly family home hang outs. We all have kids who are busy so a family would say dinner at our house Saturday and our friend group would come and go. Often one parent comes with a kid and other parent shows up later with another kid.

My daughter is in kindergarten now and hers is in 1st grade. I would never do a one on one with her with just our youngest children. The boy is the only kid that my daughter protests to see anyways. I have never heard her complain or refuse to hang out with anyone except this boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many solutions here. Invite him to outside play dates. Invite him, but make sure his mom or dad is included in the invite. Just say “we’d love to have Larlo over to play, but I think we need to team up to supervise because of the sconce incident. Can you come with him this time?”

Or go on a two family outing to the zoo or wherever.

I think you weren’t really friends with this mom because these are the first of a long list of things I would try to do to keep a friend with a behavior challenge kid included. Once your kids are old enough to exclude him themselves, force a certain amount and do more mom-only things, which will be easier when they are older.

I am very good friends with the mom. We have been friends for a decade since her older child and my oldest child were babies. Our mutual friends and I threw the baby shower for this boy with behavioral problems. Before Covid, the boy was a toddler or in early preschool. Most kids tantrum and whine so I didn’t notice.

Oh gosh yes if you have been friends this long I would make an effort. She is probably going through an incredibly hard time and feeling very isolated. Maybe just start with seeing her 1:1 for some adult time. Maybe she would be able to open up and that would allow you to be more supportive. Then you could figure out what settings are easier for her child and figure out those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many solutions here. Invite him to outside play dates. Invite him, but make sure his mom or dad is included in the invite. Just say “we’d love to have Larlo over to play, but I think we need to team up to supervise because of the sconce incident. Can you come with him this time?”

Or go on a two family outing to the zoo or wherever.

I think you weren’t really friends with this mom because these are the first of a long list of things I would try to do to keep a friend with a behavior challenge kid included. Once your kids are old enough to exclude him themselves, force a certain amount and do more mom-only things, which will be easier when they are older.

I am very good friends with the mom. We have been friends for a decade since her older child and my oldest child were babies. Our mutual friends and I threw the baby shower for this boy with behavioral problems. Before Covid, the boy was a toddler or in early preschool. Most kids tantrum and whine so I didn’t notice.

It sounds like you have been friends for a long time. Just do non-kid stuff or outdoor stuff--like hikes, playground, whatever. I wouldn't have a child over that destroyed the house.

I have met up with the mom one on one.

Our close friend group were all family friends so it was mostly family home hang outs. We all have kids who are busy so a family would say dinner at our house Saturday and our friend group would come and go. Often one parent comes with a kid and other parent shows up later with another kid.

My daughter is in kindergarten now and hers is in 1st grade. I would never do a one on one with her with just our youngest children. The boy is the only kid that my daughter protests to see anyways. I have never heard her complain or refuse to hang out with anyone except this boy.

This is tough, do you talk and text with the mom individually? It sounds like being a frequent in this situation doesn’t have to mean inviting younger son over individually. Are you saying though that now you all still all have those dinners and their family has just suddenly stopped being invited? If so then the first step is you need to talk to your friend. I mean really I think that is just 100% what needs to happen. Was there any kind of check in after the incidents are your house? I’m just surprised as a parent going through this at a lower degree my close friends know and hear regularly about the therapies we are pursuing and how hard this is. That helps us to find things to do together that are good for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Friend

[Anonymous]

be supportive to your friend and stop labeling her child. it is hard - emotionally and physically to have a challenging child. it takes time to figure them out and get the right support. She will need a good patient friend. Agree with the posters who suggest she join the get togethers and do them somewhere else - like outside.

[Anonymous]

Nah it depends on your friend’s reaction regarding her child. My “friend”‘s child bullied my child very badly. I cut off all ties. Her child has now proceeded to bullying other kids. When confronted by me and other parents her child is never at fault, the other kids are sensitive or crybabies. Whatever it is your child does not have to be subjected to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah it depends on your friend’s reaction regarding her child. My “friend”‘s child bullied my child very badly. I cut off all ties. Her child has now proceeded to bullying other kids. When confronted by me and other parents her child is never at fault, the other kids are sensitive or crybabies. Whatever it is your child does not have to be subjected to this.

Yep. This is going to be the deciding factor. I cannot the stand the parents who wave it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has a very difficult child. The boy is out of control and doesn’t listen to anyone. The last time he was over our house, he pulled permanent fixtures off the walls of my house, made my child cry multiple times, was hitting other kids and my kid. I suspect he has ADD and/or ADHD.

I love the mom, dad and other child. I host a lot of play dates and have not invited them over again. Once was enough. We hung out a lot before Covid but the boy was a toddler then.

I saw another mom who is also close to this family and she straight up refuses to go anywhere or have the boy over. She will hang with the parents and other child. Her kids go to the same school and said other families avoid the kid.

I’m sure the mom can feel like they are being excluded. Do I even mention why we don’t invite them anymore? Does she already know?

I’m confused - so you all just sat and watched him do these things? You (and his parents) watched him pull fixtures off the wall? Neither they nor you said Larlo seems to be having a hard time today, it’s best to leave?

She just hasn’t said a word about his behavior? And neither have you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two very easy, neurotypical girls here, so not being defensive personally when I ask:

Can we call this little boy “a boy who has behavioral issues and possibly ADD/ADHD or something like that” instead of “a bad boy”?

I agree with the poster who says just try to meet up outside if you’re going to have kids involved, and make sure to invite her to non-kid stuff like dinners, brunches, movies, etc.

Agree, the name is problematic.

Plus 100

[Anonymous]

How old is the little boy? 4-6 can be a really hard age for kid with ADHD or other struggles because they aren’t diagnosed/getting the right help yet. I have a kid like that who was never intentionally destructive but just so hyperactive things did get broken if I wasn’t hovering and redirecting. It’s hard and embarrassing. A couple of hitting incidents over the two years and some yelling. I don’t blame anyone who wanted to keep their distance but behind the scenes we were working furiously to get help and with a couple years things were different and better. I know that isn’t always this case but maybe try to see if you can do some outings that are structured and/outside (I usually organized outings I knew were likely to go well. But if he’s hitting repeatedly I think you can have a talk with his mom and just say that your kids need some space for a little while until the hitting was under control but you care about their whole family and still want to be friends. I would have appreciated that instead of just being iced out.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe you put ‘bad child’ in the title. Shame on you, op.

[Anonymous]

You mean hyperactive ADHD.

ADD is now called inattentive ADHD, and that's the quiet, daydreaming kind, where a kid is more likely to be bullied than to be a bully.

Just want to rectify the OP, because my son has severe inattentive ADHD and has never done anything like the OP describes.

In the same situation, I would not invite this out of control child again. Special needs can and should be accommodated, but only when the parent and child make every effort to control the worst behaviors. It will take a few years for the parents in this case to consult a psychiatrist, get an evaluation, and start medication. If everyone pretends everything is fine, they will have less incentive to do so, and their child will suffer.

[Anonymous]

NP. I am at the other end of this, with kids in late teens. What I will say is this: I have never regretted all the times where I maintained a friendship with the parent of a difficult kid or if my kid was friends with the difficult kid, I maintained the friendship, even if it was more work for me at the time. It meant often play dates can’t be unsupervised, and maybe not indoors. There were multiple times when my kid was the only one at a birthday party (which is horrifying IMO).

I think it teaches basic empathy. But it also teaches your kid to advocate for themselves. I look around at some of the kids we knew whose parents were zealous curators of friendships. A lot of those kids are almost non-functioning as later teens, and are paralyzed by anxiety and an inability to deal with uncertainty. Of course I would never tell someone to let their kid be bullied, but I think sometimes people have gone way too far in the other direction. It’s okay if your kid gets into arguments with a pushy kid. It’s not going to harm them.

Idk. If the mom is totally checked out, maybe that’s one thing, but otherwise I’d never recommend cutting someone off like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has a very difficult child. The boy is out of control and doesn’t listen to anyone. The last time he was over our house, he pulled permanent fixtures off the walls of my house, made my child cry multiple times, was hitting other kids and my kid. I suspect he has ADD and/or ADHD.

I love the mom, dad and other child. I host a lot of play dates and have not invited them over again. Once was enough. We hung out a lot before Covid but the boy was a toddler then.

I saw another mom who is also close to this family and she straight up refuses to go anywhere or have the boy over. She will hang with the parents and other child. Her kids go to the same school and said other families avoid the kid.

I’m sure the mom can feel like they are being excluded. Do I even mention why we don’t invite them anymore? Does she already know?

I don't blame those who refuse to deal with this behavior. I would do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean hyperactive ADHD.

ADD is now called inattentive ADHD, and that's the quiet, daydreaming kind, where a kid is more likely to be bullied than to be a bully.

Just want to rectify the OP, because my son has severe inattentive ADHD and has never done anything like the OP describes.

In the same situation, I would not invite this out of control child again. Special needs can and should be accommodated, but only when the parent and child make every effort to control the worst behaviors. It will take a few years for the parents in this case to consult a psychiatrist, get an evaluation, and start medication. If everyone pretends everything is fine, they will have less incentive to do so, and their child will suffer.

Well, bully for you. I can teach empathy without having a feral child destroy my house and who makes my child cry. You are the parent and your job to get him help.