If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

I am a previous poster who also has a big law partner for a husband and 3 kids. Does your DH have outside interests? Does he do anything other than work and be with the family?

No. That's actually been a point of contention with us, I have encouraged him to spend more time on himself to avoid burnout but it's a battle. He does see friends for drinks and will smoke pot and watch sports on Saturday nights haha. Hopefully in a few years he can have more time to himself but for right now he prioritizes family time and I'm very grateful for that.

Wow. Your first post and this one are exactly like my family dynamic. I too refuse to live in a situation where he can’t be available for family. If that was the case I’d demand he quit. And he doesn’t have a lot of outside interests either, but I wish he did. I wish he would quit but of course this is what he wants and with the time he is investing in his family I can accept that.

What does it mean that you would demand that he quit.
If you demand it, and he doesn’t do it, then what? You leave and get divorced (and he finds another woman to watch your kids while he’s working during his time with them)? You make his home life miserable? What?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone remember the Pam and Jim storyline in “The Office?” They are best friends, fall in love, get married, support each other’s dreams, have a couple of kids…. Then he starts this company he’s gone all of the time. Pam is on her own with the two kids (at least she didn’t move away from her family like I did).

Anyway, that’s how I feel being married to someone in big law. There are a lot of promises about it getting better. I have made it clear that I don’t like it and don’t need the money. But ultimately, there isn’t much I can do about it.

I feel very lonely and like I lost my best friend. We still have fun together, and he still makes me laugh, but I really miss him and what we used to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very. He only works about ~ 30 hours a week at the office. At his level, the firm only cares about your book of business, new business development, and keeping clients happy. As long as you can do that, you are golden.

It's this.

Not all partners are the same. Depends on your book of business and value to the firm at most places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

I am a previous poster who also has a big law partner for a husband and 3 kids. Does your DH have outside interests? Does he do anything other than work and be with the family?

No. That's actually been a point of contention with us, I have encouraged him to spend more time on himself to avoid burnout but it's a battle. He does see friends for drinks and will smoke pot and watch sports on Saturday nights haha. Hopefully in a few years he can have more time to himself but for right now he prioritizes family time and I'm very grateful for that.

Wow. Your first post and this one are exactly like my family dynamic. I too refuse to live in a situation where he can’t be available for family. If that was the case I’d demand he quit. And he doesn’t have a lot of outside interests either, but I wish he did. I wish he would quit but of course this is what he wants and with the time he is investing in his family I can accept that.

What does it mean that you would demand that he quit.
If you demand it, and he doesn’t do it, then what? You leave and get divorced (and he finds another woman to watch your kids while he’s working during his time with them)? You make his home life miserable? What?

I would say “you have to find a new job.” I can’t answer your hypotheticals because I cannot fathom him refusing. If something is so important to me that I would make some sort of demand of him, I have no doubt that He would do it. As things are, if I merely have a strong opinion about something, he gives a lot of weight to what I think. There has only been one time when I insisted on something despite him really wanting something else, and after I made it clear I wasn’t going to accept what he wanted, the conversation was over. This was about a small thing and I know that with something so important as spending time with family he wouldn’t push back at all.

There have been a few times when he demanded things be a certain way and when I saw how much he needed what he was asking for I didn’t think twice about giving it to him. Aren’t most marriages like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

I find it hilarious it hilarious that you are essentially taking credit for your DH good luck and hard work. I’m a PP who said I think people with BigLaw jobs who spend time with their family typically do so at the expense of sleep and I stand by it. It’s just not physically possible for everyone, but I’m happy with the trade offs our family has made, it’s good you are too but it’s NOT for everyone.

Everybody who works long hours and spends time with family makes trade offs, but the trade off isn’t necessarily sleep. For DH it’s not doing an iron man, not gardening or working on the house as much as he’d like, not seeing his family of origin often, not spending tons of time with friends, and never getting a break from being “on call” at work. Really sucky trade offs but not sleep or family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. He only works about ~ 30 hours a week at the office. At his level, the firm only cares about your book of business, new business development, and keeping clients happy. As long as you can do that, you are golden.

It's this.

Not all partners are the same. Depends on your book of business and value to the firm at most places.

Except it didn’t happen overnight and required years and years of much harder work. You’re not kidding anyone.

[Anonymous]

This thread shows why so many male BigLaw partners have appalling and debilitating health problems in their 50s and 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

What exactly do you do? Sounds like he is killing himself and you are saying it is not enough.

I sit on my ass and eat ice cream while spending his money honey.

[Anonymous]

"I'd demand he quit." And, in exchange, I agree to take the kids out of the private schools, sell our beach house, and move to Pimmitt Hills. Said no spouse ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'd demand he quit." And, in exchange, I agree to take the kids out of the private schools, sell our beach house, and move to Pimmitt Hills. Said no spouse ever.

Yeah, that’s probably true. I know I wouldn’t say it because our kids are in public and we do not and never will own a beach house.

I know it’s really hard for some of you to believe a big law spouse would rather have her husband spend time with the family and do his own hobbies than have a beach house, so I won’t try and convince you otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. Frequently makes kids breakfast, sometimes takes them to activities, takes them on outings every weekend, just hangs out with us a lot. He does half the nighttime routine (I have one kid, he has the other), he helps the kids with their laundry, does the dishes a good amount, etc. He does this even when things are really busy but a lot when things aren't as hectic at work.

Family is his absolutely most important value, so I think it has more to do with that than how much time and energy he has.

And I'm betting he's not much of a biglaw partner.

He’s actually a really good one, but I think we’d all agree it’s better to be “not much” of a big law partner who is involved at home than a great one who isn’t.

Lovely. For him to have this lifestyle usually means his associates work until midnight and most of every weekend, and are constantly tiptoeing around his family schedule at the expense of their own. The work has to get done one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. Frequently makes kids breakfast, sometimes takes them to activities, takes them on outings every weekend, just hangs out with us a lot. He does half the nighttime routine (I have one kid, he has the other), he helps the kids with their laundry, does the dishes a good amount, etc. He does this even when things are really busy but a lot when things aren't as hectic at work.

Family is his absolutely most important value, so I think it has more to do with that than how much time and energy he has.

And I'm betting he's not much of a biglaw partner.

He’s actually a really good one, but I think we’d all agree it’s better to be “not much” of a big law partner who is involved at home than a great one who isn’t.

Lovely. For him to have this lifestyle usually means his associates work until midnight and most of every weekend, and are constantly tiptoeing around his family schedule at the expense of their own. The work has to get done one way or another.

No he doesn’t do that. I feel bad for you that you have experienced impacts of partners doing that, though. Even though you can argue that the partner paid his/her dues, it is pretty unkind.

[Anonymous]

He makes the coffee in the morning, drives kids to activities on the weekends, cooks the turkey on thanksgiving, makes cocktails when we are entertaining. Makes tons of money so that stuff can be outsourced and I can be a SAHM. Expects nothing but a well run home. a happy wife and kids who are healthy, happy and achieving at high level at school.

[Anonymous]

As someone who left big law when my kids were young in order to have some sanity in my life, I have no idea why people continue down this road. It's so not worth it and there are SOOOO many other ways to be a lawyer, make plenty of money and have a sane life. Actually see your kids grow up. I left Big Law to join one of the alternative platform firms. I cut my billing rate by a third, cut my hours by half and kept my take home pay essentially the same. I actually enjoy practicing law now. I was actually able to be a present parent for my kids and my spouse. My firm is somewhat less well known than the former Big Law firm and I'm perfectly fine with that trade off. I've definitely left money on the table over the years and I'm fine with that trade off as well. Ironically, I now get daily solicitations from Big Law recruiters trying to get me to come back and there is no way I'm even willing to take their calls. Life is too short.

Those who stick with a job that blocks out their entire personal life either hate themselves or hate their family. If you are married to someone like that I suggest you take a good long look at your present life and think about whether you want to continue sharing it with someone who provides nothing more than a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. Frequently makes kids breakfast, sometimes takes them to activities, takes them on outings every weekend, just hangs out with us a lot. He does half the nighttime routine (I have one kid, he has the other), he helps the kids with their laundry, does the dishes a good amount, etc. He does this even when things are really busy but a lot when things aren't as hectic at work.

Family is his absolutely most important value, so I think it has more to do with that than how much time and energy he has.

And I'm betting he's not much of a biglaw partner.

He’s actually a really good one, but I think we’d all agree it’s better to be “not much” of a big law partner who is involved at home than a great one who isn’t.

Lovely. For him to have this lifestyle usually means his associates work until midnight and most of every weekend, and are constantly tiptoeing around his family schedule at the expense of their own. The work has to get done one way or another.

Nobody's holding a gun to their head.