If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?
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Anonymous
You’re right but please understand the “LOL” pp is just jealous of the help. |
Anonymous
But to be fair, that PP didn't do squat! - dp |
Anonymous
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My DH is a partner at a smaller law firm but was an associate at a BigLaw firm and has had offers to come back. He will not at least while our kids are home because he saw enough as an associate to know it’s not for him (and I’d probably divorce him!). Based on what we have seen people who are able to have those big jobs and spend significant time with their kids do so by sleeping 4-5 hours a night. Otherwise there just aren’t enough hours in the day (although ability to WAH does help). My DH can’t do that long term and was miserable trying.
Even though he’s at a smaller firm now, I do the vast majority of the making things work for our house. I work a bit more than half time so it’s manageable even with one of our kids having some weekly appointments. Now that travel is coming back, I think any parent with long hours and low flexibility in their work needs essentially full time back up help. When the man has the big job, usually the wife provides that (either directly or through some combination of hiring child care if they work). If the wife works a lot or has a tough schedule, she usually gets full time back up either from live in grandparents or livin nanny. Not saying that’s hit should be, just that has my experience. |
Anonymous
I sure hope you work FT (in which case that outsourcing makes sense). If you stay home, I'd like to hear what makes up that 75% number of stuff you do. |
Anonymous
| im genuinely impressed by and think the biglaw mom on here sounds like a superhero! have a conversation with your dh. try to be really understanding during the more busy periods. unanticipated work on vacation or when you have plans and all that type of undesirable stuff unavoidably just happens sometimes (not most or all of the time but enough that its memorable). and try to encourage him to do more during the relatively (its all relative) less busy periods. comparison is not all that effective because practice areas can be very different in their demands |
Anonymous
The trek from Big Firm Law Associate to partner is like a pie eating contest where the prize of becoming law firm partner is....more pie. |
Anonymous
Serious question. Why do you care? |
Anonymous
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New poster.
I’m a partner track female associate with young children. For those with biglaw partner spouses, do you feel the trade off of time/money is worth it? I simply can’t imagine it being worth it for my family. Please explain to me. Do your spouse’s ache to spend more time with the family, or is it just the sacrifice they make to provide a great life for the family? |
Anonymous
DP. There are 168 hours in a week. Let’s kid sleeps for 72 of them, that’s still 96 hours of childcare. 25% of that is 24 hours. So, her husband takes 4 hours doing bedtime for 30 minutes/night, and she has a PT nanny 20 hours a week. That’s 75% of the childcare. I would definitely say that having a housekeeper 4 hours a week is 25% or less of the housekeeping that needs done in a typical house. But I have also been told that things like making and cleaning up after meals, putting in a grocery order, doing laundry, and mowing the lawn don’t count as housework because they are part of daily life. |
Anonymous
I saw the humor in it too! 75% after the nanny, housekeeper, and regular babysitters leave what? About 15 minutes a day to tend to household/childraising duties. Tedious for realz, guyz! |
Anonymous
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My DH is a big law partner (new) and the last 10 years have pretty much been the same - he works a TON, between billable (2000+) and non-billable he is around 3000 a year. When he isn't working he is doing family stuff with us. The one area that he is missing is time with HIS friends and HIS own interests. But he sacrifices this to spend time with our 3 kids. Thankfully since covid he has been able to work from home more regularly so can help with pick up or drop offs.
I work full time in a busy but flexible job (8-4ish) and do 85-90% of the kid stuff. I always make plans with the chance he cannot make it due to work. I have gotten used to going to the pool with 3 young kids throughout the summer or to a playdate or to a amusement park. It is my normal, which I get isn't great for a lot of moms but it works for us. |
Anonymous
how much outside help do you have? |
Anonymous
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I was a biglaw associate, and my best fried is married to a biglaw partner. My BF does everything (and is a SAHM). Her husband has never even put the kids to bed once.
Having been an associate myself, I tend to agree with this comment: "partners have more control over their lives (much of the time) than some would care to admit." I saw female partners who prioritized their family and pushed back on client demands. And I saw male partners who did that, and others who told their families they were totally unavailable when in fact they could've pushed back more. Good luck OP. It's tough because your spouse may become defensive if you try to address this. But I do think there's often room for biglaw partners to push back more at work and contribute more at home, if they make that a priority. |
Anonymous
. We have cleaners who come every other week and a yard crew in the summer that mows the lawn and does major clean ups twice a year. That is it. Kids are in public school and/or daycare during the day but I pick up from the bus every day. No nanny or anything like full time help. |
Anonymous
This is the 75% poster. Thanks for telling me I don't do squat. We have a nanny so I can work full time, but you'll probably tell me my DH is a terrible big law partner for letting his wife work. The housekeeper is so I don't have to spend 4 hours cleaning on the weekend and can rest after working a full week. The babysitter is so I don't have to take a baby with me while I run errands. |