If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

[Anonymous]

Well, i am a big law partner and i still serve as the primary parent to our one kid (elementary age). I do bus pick up and drop off every day, oversee all his homework (maybe 30 mins a day - his school is intense), DH and i split breakfast and dinner responsibilities 50/50, i handle all camp planning, dr appts, special needs issues (he has some moderate SN that require oversight and more appts than a typical kid), and teacher communication. No nanny. I will never be that kind of rain maker partner that makes $5m a year, but i have a hot niche practice and make good money and consistently get extremely positive feedback as a rising star. There are choices within firms, and partners have more control over their lives (much of the time) than some would care to admit. That said, big law lawyers definitely have to work more than most people with FT jobs - so if you're a sahp, i'm not sure why you wouldn't handle almost all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, i am a big law partner and i still serve as the primary parent to our one kid (elementary age). I do bus pick up and drop off every day, oversee all his homework (maybe 30 mins a day - his school is intense), DH and i split breakfast and dinner responsibilities 50/50, i handle all camp planning, dr appts, special needs issues (he has some moderate SN that require oversight and more appts than a typical kid), and teacher communication. No nanny. I will never be that kind of rain maker partner that makes $5m a year, but i have a hot niche practice and make good money and consistently get extremely positive feedback as a rising star. There are choices within firms, and partners have more control over their lives (much of the time) than some would care to admit. That said, big law lawyers definitely have to work more than most people with FT jobs - so if you're a sahp, i'm not sure why you wouldn't handle almost all of this.

As for your last line: I think it’s important for the working parent to be involved because it makes him/her a more integral part of the family. You get to know your kids when you take care of them and you get to know your partner when you work together toward common goals. For instance, I could always be the one who takes the kids to their activities, but when DH has time he volunteers so that he can spend more time with them. DH also manages the family calendar because a) he’s better at it and b) it helps him know what’s going on with his family.

Also sometimes SAHPs have medical issues that prevent them from doing as much as they otherwise could and they are going to need more help (that has been me off and on). I also think that just because one partner has decided to work a ton doesn’t automatically mean the other partner should have to work a ton. Work a lot, yes. As much as the big law partner? Not necessarily. I need breaks, and if DH can help me take them, I’m going to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. Frequently makes kids breakfast, sometimes takes them to activities, takes them on outings every weekend, just hangs out with us a lot. He does half the nighttime routine (I have one kid, he has the other), he helps the kids with their laundry, does the dishes a good amount, etc. He does this even when things are really busy but a lot when things aren't as hectic at work.

Family is his absolutely most important value, so I think it has more to do with that than how much time and energy he has.

And I'm betting he's not much of a biglaw partner.

He’s actually a really good one, but I think we’d all agree it’s better to be “not much” of a big law partner who is involved at home than a great one who isn’t.

Must be “not much” of a big law firm. At least at my firm, there’s no place for “not much” partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is only 5'10" so not "big" really

I like mine 6'2 and above!

[Anonymous]

I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. Frequently makes kids breakfast, sometimes takes them to activities, takes them on outings every weekend, just hangs out with us a lot. He does half the nighttime routine (I have one kid, he has the other), he helps the kids with their laundry, does the dishes a good amount, etc. He does this even when things are really busy but a lot when things aren't as hectic at work.

Family is his absolutely most important value, so I think it has more to do with that than how much time and energy he has.

And I'm betting he's not much of a biglaw partner.

He’s actually a really good one, but I think we’d all agree it’s better to be “not much” of a big law partner who is involved at home than a great one who isn’t.

Must be “not much” of a big law firm. At least at my firm, there’s no place for “not much” partners.

You know, sometimes I think big law attorneys are very impressive, and then I read comments like this and remember that they are actually just like the rest of us, doing things like drawing firm conclusions with absolutely no evidence for them.

My comment didn’t even imply the existence of a law firm that employs mediocre partners. I merely said that my husband is a good attorney (which of course you won’t believe, because whatever issues or biases you are dealing with will prevent you from changing your mind). I guess you don’t think it’s possible to be involved at home and be a good big law partner, but I want OP to know that that is not universally the case.

[Anonymous]

We have four kids. Mine is very involved and always has been, though in earlier years his scheduled allowed less. He does work at least some of most days (and covid has really blurred those lines), but will wake up at 5 am on a weekend to do it or stay up after the kids are in bed. We have also had cleaning and yard help since our kids were young. He has always attended school conferences and back to school nights and most school concerts, and was at weekend games, drove older kids to school, helped with bedtime, did late (7:30 pm or later) carpool pickups, threw in loads of laundry, etc. As our kids got older and he had more control over his schedule, he attended some afternoon school games, chaperoned weekend tournaments and was home by 8 pm or so. We didn't have a lot of family dinners during the week (and he has never helped with cooking), but that was as much about our kids' practice schedules as it was his work schedule. We both prioritize being there for our kids and each other.

And before someone pipes in with their negativity, he is pretty senior (management) at a big multi-national firm and makes over $2m/year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, i am a big law partner and i still serve as the primary parent to our one kid (elementary age). I do bus pick up and drop off every day, oversee all his homework (maybe 30 mins a day - his school is intense), DH and i split breakfast and dinner responsibilities 50/50, i handle all camp planning, dr appts, special needs issues (he has some moderate SN that require oversight and more appts than a typical kid), and teacher communication. No nanny. I will never be that kind of rain maker partner that makes $5m a year, but i have a hot niche practice and make good money and consistently get extremely positive feedback as a rising star. There are choices within firms, and partners have more control over their lives (much of the time) than some would care to admit. That said, big law lawyers definitely have to work more than most people with FT jobs - so if you're a sahp, i'm not sure why you wouldn't handle almost all of this.

Very impressed! And you have time to be on DCUM on a weekday afternoon. Do you get to WFH? That would really make a difference I think - not having to commute every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL you poor thing. how do you handle all that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. Frequently makes kids breakfast, sometimes takes them to activities, takes them on outings every weekend, just hangs out with us a lot. He does half the nighttime routine (I have one kid, he has the other), he helps the kids with their laundry, does the dishes a good amount, etc. He does this even when things are really busy but a lot when things aren't as hectic at work.

Family is his absolutely most important value, so I think it has more to do with that than how much time and energy he has.

And I'm betting he's not much of a biglaw partner.

He’s actually a really good one, but I think we’d all agree it’s better to be “not much” of a big law partner who is involved at home than a great one who isn’t.

Must be “not much” of a big law firm. At least at my firm, there’s no place for “not much” partners.

You know, sometimes I think big law attorneys are very impressive, and then I read comments like this and remember that they are actually just like the rest of us, doing things like drawing firm conclusions with absolutely no evidence for them.

My comment didn’t even imply the existence of a law firm that employs mediocre partners. I merely said that my husband is a good attorney (which of course you won’t believe, because whatever issues or biases you are dealing with will prevent you from changing your mind). I guess you don’t think it’s possible to be involved at home and be a good big law partner, but I want OP to know that that is not universally the case.

Maybe you missed the “at least at my firm” qualifier? Reading comprehension matters.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread for me, a spouse of a partner track associate. If I had to glean the best advice from these past two pages it would be expect spousal absence and prepare to pay others to fill the gaps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, i am a big law partner and i still serve as the primary parent to our one kid (elementary age). I do bus pick up and drop off every day, oversee all his homework (maybe 30 mins a day - his school is intense), DH and i split breakfast and dinner responsibilities 50/50, i handle all camp planning, dr appts, special needs issues (he has some moderate SN that require oversight and more appts than a typical kid), and teacher communication. No nanny. I will never be that kind of rain maker partner that makes $5m a year, but i have a hot niche practice and make good money and consistently get extremely positive feedback as a rising star. There are choices within firms, and partners have more control over their lives (much of the time) than some would care to admit. That said, big law lawyers definitely have to work more than most people with FT jobs - so if you're a sahp, i'm not sure why you wouldn't handle almost all of this.

As for your last line: I think it’s important for the working parent to be involved because it makes him/her a more integral part of the family. You get to know your kids when you take care of them and you get to know your partner when you work together toward common goals. For instance, I could always be the one who takes the kids to their activities, but when DH has time he volunteers so that he can spend more time with them. DH also manages the family calendar because a) he’s better at it and b) it helps him know what’s going on with his family.

Also sometimes SAHPs have medical issues that prevent them from doing as much as they otherwise could and they are going to need more help (that has been me off and on). I also think that just because one partner has decided to work a ton doesn’t automatically mean the other partner should have to work a ton. Work a lot, yes. As much as the big law partner? Not necessarily. I need breaks, and if DH can help me take them, I’m going to accept.

The last few sentences of this post are the truth!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread for me, a spouse of a partner track associate. If I had to glean the best advice from these past two pages it would be expect spousal absence and prepare to pay others to fill the gaps.

Exactly. Best way for marital harmony.