If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who left big law when my kids were young in order to have some sanity in my life, I have no idea why people continue down this road. It's so not worth it and there are SOOOO many other ways to be a lawyer, make plenty of money and have a sane life. Actually see your kids grow up. I left Big Law to join one of the alternative platform firms. I cut my billing rate by a third, cut my hours by half and kept my take home pay essentially the same. I actually enjoy practicing law now. I was actually able to be a present parent for my kids and my spouse. My firm is somewhat less well known than the former Big Law firm and I'm perfectly fine with that trade off. I've definitely left money on the table over the years and I'm fine with that trade off as well. Ironically, I now get daily solicitations from Big Law recruiters trying to get me to come back and there is no way I'm even willing to take their calls. Life is too short.

Those who stick with a job that blocks out their entire personal life either hate themselves or hate their family. If you are married to someone like that I suggest you take a good long look at your present life and think about whether you want to continue sharing it with someone who provides nothing more than a paycheck.

I think there are a handful of folks in biglaw who have lucked into a scenario where they work very reasonable hours and have a really cushy lifestyle. Those folks tend to be rainmakers who often have extensive family connections or formerly held big government jobs that let them develop business without a ton of hustle. Outside of this folks, though, I think you are largely right. Or, even if they don't actively hate themselves or their family, then they certainly do not like them as much as they like the power/prestige/whatever of biglaw. And, of course, there are also the workaholics who are quite literally addicted to the office.

[Anonymous]

As an early retired Biglaw partner who I like to think was also a reasonably well involved parent, even when you’re not working you’re not really “all there” for your family. Work is always on your mind. You literally spend every waking moment when you’re not working thinking about work. It’s a miserable existence. I don’t think any of the spouses on here can truly appreciate that, even those who tell themselves that it’s all good and that their spouse is just fine. There’s a reason they’re paid so well. Trust me on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'd demand he quit." And, in exchange, I agree to take the kids out of the private schools, sell our beach house, and move to Pimmitt Hills. Said no spouse ever.

Yeah, that’s probably true. I know I wouldn’t say it because our kids are in public and we do not and never will own a beach house.

I know it’s really hard for some of you to believe a big law spouse would rather have her husband spend time with the family and do his own hobbies than have a beach house, so I won’t try and convince you otherwise.

+1. I’m like you…..I would trade a beach house, private school etc. to have a spouse that I share my life with. I also work and would prefer this arrangement to only 1 person working but not be at home. I don’t this is an atypical thought process in general( maybe it is atypical in big law partner families).

[Anonymous]

As an early retired Biglaw partner who I like to think was also a reasonably well involved parent, even when you’re not working you’re not really “all there” for your family. Work is always on your mind. You literally spend every waking moment when you’re not working thinking about work. It’s a miserable existence. I don’t think any of the spouses on here can truly appreciate that, even those who tell themselves that it’s all good and that their spouse is just fine. There’s a reason they’re paid so well. Trust me on that.

I know many BigLaw partners, including my spouse, who would not agree with this view. My DH has practiced with the same people for over 20 years and genuinely enjoys the people he works with and the work he does. He is friends with many of his clients. I was also in BigLaw for 15 years, so I know from my own experience that not all partners have the same situation, but your experience is also not universal.

[Anonymous]

Mine is a partner at a v10 firm. M&A. Prior to becoming a partner, routinely billed over 3000 hours a year. I think he’s around 2500 now with a fair amount of business development hours. He never takes a full day off and always gets up early to put in a few hours on vacation, but he’s definitely still a very involved parent and husband. I’ve honestly rarely felt like he’s working all the time.

I think in large part that’s due to a few things. His work ebbs and flows, so sometimes he has lulls where I seem to be working more than he does and he’s able to go to the playground in the middle of the day. Another big factor in my feeling prioritized and like he’s present is that he’s always worked from home 1-2 days a week, even pre-covid, so we always get a lot of face time. He never goes to the office on weekends.

Even when he’s at his most busy, he comes home for family dinner and resumes work after the kids are in bed. He does bath almost every night.

There’s nights where dinner happens with AirPods in for calls, but it’s rare. There’s client events fairly frequently, but he tries to keep it to once a week and do day events whenever possible.

When he was an associate, he worked for partners who valued their own family time and would try to avoid calls at dinner time. From my outsider perspective, firm culture makes a big impact on happiness. There’s a lot of people we know who work for firms that require 100% in office and have no flexibility, and they all say they’re miserable. I work an inflexible (non-legal) job at 75% time. We also have an awesome nanny.

He doesn’t do any organization of the kids’ stuff. I handle all kid admin stuff (including coordinating services for a special need), signing up for activities, making sure we have what we need for household supplies and kid clothes and groceries and car inspection and etc etc etc…but I’m not resentful because I see that I have the time and I see the huge amount of flexibility the money gives us.

For us, the benefits far outweigh the trade offs. One drawback is he doesn’t have time to exercise as much as he’d like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As an early retired Biglaw partner who I like to think was also a reasonably well involved parent, even when you’re not working you’re not really “all there” for your family. Work is always on your mind. You literally spend every waking moment when you’re not working thinking about work. It’s a miserable existence. I don’t think any of the spouses on here can truly appreciate that, even those who tell themselves that it’s all good and that their spouse is just fine. There’s a reason they’re paid so well. Trust me on that.

I know many BigLaw partners, including my spouse, who would not agree with this view. My DH has practiced with the same people for over 20 years and genuinely enjoys the people he works with and the work he does. He is friends with many of his clients. I was also in BigLaw for 15 years, so I know from my own experience that not all partners have the same situation, but your experience is also not universal.

It’s always the spouses that say that posters like the original PP isn’t telling the truth, but the actual partners would disagree if they are talking to another partner or senior lawyer.

I know literally no BigLaw partners who would not agree with what the original PP wrote. None. And I know a lot of BigLaw partners, many of whom have spouses who are very invested in not seeing how miserable their spouses actually are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As an early retired Biglaw partner who I like to think was also a reasonably well involved parent, even when you’re not working you’re not really “all there” for your family. Work is always on your mind. You literally spend every waking moment when you’re not working thinking about work. It’s a miserable existence. I don’t think any of the spouses on here can truly appreciate that, even those who tell themselves that it’s all good and that their spouse is just fine. There’s a reason they’re paid so well. Trust me on that.

I know many BigLaw partners, including my spouse, who would not agree with this view. My DH has practiced with the same people for over 20 years and genuinely enjoys the people he works with and the work he does. He is friends with many of his clients. I was also in BigLaw for 15 years, so I know from my own experience that not all partners have the same situation, but your experience is also not universal.

It’s always the spouses that say that posters like the original PP isn’t telling the truth, but the actual partners would disagree if they are talking to another partner or senior lawyer.

I know literally no BigLaw partners who would not agree with what the original PP wrote. None. And I know a lot of BigLaw partners, many of whom have spouses who are very invested in not seeing how miserable their spouses actually are.

I'm a biglaw partner and i would disagree with what the original PP wrote. I turn off work all the time. The partners in my practice group would too. They all have lives outside the office, families, spouses, vacations etc. We are a V30 firm, not V10, so probably makes a difference. But i mean, there are like 200 firms on the V biglaw list, so it's not like V30 is low end.

[Anonymous]

The answer in our household is very involved. DH is a new biglaw partner, I (DW) am an exec at a tech company. We are probably 60-40 split where I do more of the mental work because I've never managed to solve getting DH to see the things that need doing. But he completely owns some things like DD's activities. Bedtimes, morning routine, weekend activities - we do all of that, with flexibility depending on who has a call or a deal at that moment. I tend to cover days off from school, since I have more control over my calendar.

We outsource cleaning and eat our share of takeout and convenience foods. DD is in a public school and was in daycare before that. We could afford a nanny or private school, but don't really want to run in those social circles or deal with the logistics of private school, which seem optimized for a SAH parent.

I don't think we could pull it off with more than 1 kid though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answer in our household is very involved. DH is a new biglaw partner, I (DW) am an exec at a tech company. We are probably 60-40 split where I do more of the mental work because I've never managed to solve getting DH to see the things that need doing. But he completely owns some things like DD's activities. Bedtimes, morning routine, weekend activities - we do all of that, with flexibility depending on who has a call or a deal at that moment. I tend to cover days off from school, since I have more control over my calendar.

We outsource cleaning and eat our share of takeout and convenience foods. DD is in a public school and was in daycare before that. We could afford a nanny or private school, but don't really want to run in those social circles or deal with the logistics of private school, which seem optimized for a SAH parent.

I don't think we could pull it off with more than 1 kid though.

I am a PP who wrote on this thread - we have 3 young kids, DH Is a new big law partner and I (DW) am a manager in a busy, but somewhat flexible job. Dh does a lot of our financial items (taxes, stocks, life insurance planning, etc) and I do all of the kid stuff (signing kids up for sports, summer camps, doc appointments, homework, etc). It is a LOT of work with 3 kids. I cook a homemade dinner almost every night and do all of our laundry. The main thing we outsource is our house cleaning every other week and lawn mowing. Other than that one of us does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very. He only works about ~ 30 hours a week at the office. At his level, the firm only cares about your book of business, new business development, and keeping clients happy. As long as you can do that, you are golden.

It's this.

Not all partners are the same. Depends on your book of business and value to the firm at most places.

Except it didn’t happen overnight and required years and years of much harder work. You’re not kidding anyone.

Sure but that PP may not have married her husband until late thirties. You don’t know who you’re talking to. What she says is true though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As an early retired Biglaw partner who I like to think was also a reasonably well involved parent, even when you’re not working you’re not really “all there” for your family. Work is always on your mind. You literally spend every waking moment when you’re not working thinking about work. It’s a miserable existence. I don’t think any of the spouses on here can truly appreciate that, even those who tell themselves that it’s all good and that their spouse is just fine. There’s a reason they’re paid so well. Trust me on that.

I know many BigLaw partners, including my spouse, who would not agree with this view. My DH has practiced with the same people for over 20 years and genuinely enjoys the people he works with and the work he does. He is friends with many of his clients. I was also in BigLaw for 15 years, so I know from my own experience that not all partners have the same situation, but your experience is also not universal.

No one’s experience is universal, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you really “know” the “many” Biglaw partners you think you do. You don’t know what they’re really thinking at all. You may not even know what your husband is really thinking, but I’ll let that one be.

As for your husband being “friends” with his clients, they are “friendships” of convenience and necessity. Who else is he supposed to be friends with when he’s so busy with work and family? There’s no room for friends other than clients and colleagues.

When I was a Biglaw partner, I too had a social life largely based around clients and colleagues. But I also left room for real froends. And when I left my firm - and the practice of law entirely - what I can’t believe has already been almost a decade ago, I literally never heard from any of them ever again almost overnight. Everything about Biglaw is shallow and artificial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He makes the coffee in the morning, drives kids to activities on the weekends, cooks the turkey on thanksgiving, makes cocktails when we are entertaining. Makes tons of money so that stuff can be outsourced and I can be a SAHM. Expects nothing but a well run home. a happy wife and kids who are healthy, happy and achieving at high level at school.

So much left unsaid here.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad some of you seem to have a semblance of work-life balance. I tend to think that serious workaholics should not get married and definitely not have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As an early retired Biglaw partner who I like to think was also a reasonably well involved parent, even when you’re not working you’re not really “all there” for your family. Work is always on your mind. You literally spend every waking moment when you’re not working thinking about work. It’s a miserable existence. I don’t think any of the spouses on here can truly appreciate that, even those who tell themselves that it’s all good and that their spouse is just fine. There’s a reason they’re paid so well. Trust me on that.

I know many BigLaw partners, including my spouse, who would not agree with this view. My DH has practiced with the same people for over 20 years and genuinely enjoys the people he works with and the work he does. He is friends with many of his clients. I was also in BigLaw for 15 years, so I know from my own experience that not all partners have the same situation, but your experience is also not universal.

It’s always the spouses that say that posters like the original PP isn’t telling the truth, but the actual partners would disagree if they are talking to another partner or senior lawyer.

I know literally no BigLaw partners who would not agree with what the original PP wrote. None. And I know a lot of BigLaw partners, many of whom have spouses who are very invested in not seeing how miserable their spouses actually are.

Yea I’m that PP, and you are absolutely right. One of the few times my former partners truly got real with me was when I met with many of them individually to tell them in person that I had decided to walk away and retire early. I can’t tell you how many of them confessed that they wished they could do the same thing but simply couldn’t (although of course they all could). Not a single one tried to talk me out of it or said I’d regret it. To the contrary, all the feedback that I got was admiration and jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As an early retired Biglaw partner who I like to think was also a reasonably well involved parent, even when you’re not working you’re not really “all there” for your family. Work is always on your mind. You literally spend every waking moment when you’re not working thinking about work. It’s a miserable existence. I don’t think any of the spouses on here can truly appreciate that, even those who tell themselves that it’s all good and that their spouse is just fine. There’s a reason they’re paid so well. Trust me on that.

I know many BigLaw partners, including my spouse, who would not agree with this view. My DH has practiced with the same people for over 20 years and genuinely enjoys the people he works with and the work he does. He is friends with many of his clients. I was also in BigLaw for 15 years, so I know from my own experience that not all partners have the same situation, but your experience is also not universal.

It’s always the spouses that say that posters like the original PP isn’t telling the truth, but the actual partners would disagree if they are talking to another partner or senior lawyer.

I know literally no BigLaw partners who would not agree with what the original PP wrote. None. And I know a lot of BigLaw partners, many of whom have spouses who are very invested in not seeing how miserable their spouses actually are.

I'm a biglaw partner and i would disagree with what the original PP wrote. I turn off work all the time. The partners in my practice group would too. They all have lives outside the office, families, spouses, vacations etc. We are a V30 firm, not V10, so probably makes a difference. But i mean, there are like 200 firms on the V biglaw list, so it's not like V30 is low end.

We’re not really disagreeing. I too had a life outside of work when I was a partner. My point was that even when I wasn’t actually working the stress was still there. You might not realize it at the time, but it is. I mean, let’s be honest: you are rarely going to meet a former Biglaw lawyer who leaves the law and regrets the decision for any reason other than finances.