If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Retired Biglaw partner again (I need to get a life ha ha). I went for a walk around town today and for the first time in literally years deliberately strolled past my old law firm. I didn’t see anyone, but a block or so away ran into a 76 year old former partner of mine eating lunch outside with a third year associate. We chatted for about 10 minutes. He asked in truly puzzled way “why don’t you come around at all?” I told him we had a second home in the country and I wasn’t in DC much, which is true but of course not the whole truth. I then said we were busy, just had another grandkid that we help with, etc., and he replied that their one kid has decided he doesn’t want kids so they don’t have family. Then he joked that he keeps working because his wife’s “to do” list for when he quits is too tedious and he’s avoiding it as long as he can.

He’s a nice guy as my ex partners go, and I feel bad for him. There was no way I was going to let that happen to me.

We get it. You have made the perfect decision and found the key to happiness and you know better than every BigLaw attorney. But if your idea of a fulfilling life is spending hours on DCUM to impart your wisdom then I wonder about all your choices.

Come on. His posts on DCUM are probably 30 minutes of time max, maybe a few days a week. And your response here is so absurdly touchy that it makes me think you want his posts to stop because they are showing you uncomfortable truths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP who is a spouse of a partner and has been accused here of having rose tinted glasses.

A lot of the negatives described here are not uncommon in big law, I just don’t think they are in any way unique to it. I see it in acquaintances in different professions, and sometimes the solution is leaving the field (kudos to you, retired partner!) but it’s not always.

Someone mentioned that some lawyers just handle stress better than others, and that is absolutely true. I could NEVER manage being a big law partner the way my husband can. He just laughs off everything. He doesn’t take anything too seriously. We’ve always been ready for him to leave the profession if needed, from a financial perspective, and that day might come, but for now, he’s very happy. The lifestyle - highly intense and with odd hours (clients abroad) but with a lot of flexibility and independence - really fits him better than a less intense job would.

I think there is a uniquely destructive quality to the Big Law partner world that isn’t found in other professions. The only other group that I think comes close are MPs at places like Goldman, but those folks make so much more money than Big Law partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread for me, a spouse of a partner track associate. If I had to glean the best advice from these past two pages it would be expect spousal absence and prepare to pay others to fill the gaps.

Exactly. Best way for marital harmony.

To an extent, yes. But if he’s a good dude and everyone’s priorities are as they should be, he will make it to the important things. Like yes, I manage the kids and the house at about 98%, including the maintenance and stuff like that, be it outsourcing or handling myself. He does finances and…works. A whole lot. That means I’m the one running crazy to deliver kids to tutoring and sports practices, which is a lot with three in different activities. But he’ll be there for the game on Saturday, even if he has to work before and/or after, and that’s what the kids notice for now.

I never get the going to the game thing.
There were a lot of times when I was growing up that my dad only had a couple of hours a week to spend with me, and he would take me out to lunch or we would sit and talk in his office or go for a run together. I was a pretty good athlete (D1 college athlete), and I never would have traded a lunch with my dad to have him sit in the sidelines and watch me play.

Yea I agree that simply showing up at a game qualifies you as a decent father. Especially if you’re a Biglaw partner. It’s just more evidence of their competitive nature - the need to see their offspring compete and win.

Yes. And then what happens if you don’t win or are having an off day? I can imagine a child feeling that they did something morally wrong if their big, important dad took off work to watch them compete, and they didn’t do well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

Does he enjoy home repair and lawn care? I’m surprised he has time to do those things- seems like the first things that would get outsourced.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me so happy that I left Big Law.