If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

You’re right but please understand the “LOL” pp is just jealous of the help.

LOL no jealousy at all just amusement at how clueless this poster is. She manages 75 percent of the home life by paying others to do it. Of course, she couldn’t do that if she wasn’t married to a partner making big money. So how exactly is she “managing” any of that more than him? Because it’s her thumb and not his that pushes the Venmo button?

I’m an early retired Biglaw partner sitting by the pool at our second home. We have people who do everything here - the lawn, the pool, the grocery deliveries, you name it. All I do is pay them. So I guess I handle 100 percent of the things that need to be done here, huh? Amazing how I manage to handle all of that while sitting by the pool all day long. Try telling my spouse that I’m soooo busy and see their reaction ha ha.

Sounds like you weren’t a very involved parent. Taking care of an infant 120 hours a week is not exactly like sitting by the pool all day.

But Ms 75 percent isn’t taking care of an infant. She has a nanny AND a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

I met my DH in law school and we both started out as newleyweds in BigLaw. After a time working as an attorney and then consulting, I ended up a SAHM. We've been married 24 years, and now have one in college and one senior in HS.

No, he's not very involved in the home life--even though he's been working at home since March 2020. He's working all the time. Although I left my firm before I was senior enough to become a partner, I remember it well and as a result I don't give my DH much crap about it/am not resentful.

But I will say that I wouldn't really do this again, because after decades here, the work-comes-first patterns are entrenched. He's not really too clear about what's going on in our DC's lives. Our older DC is resentful of that and she says she has "Daddy issues." I have to say, if I were to give him a grade on fatherhood (AFTER you take out the really horrible fathers like absent or abusive ones)--just looking at a subset of stereotypical good fathers--I'd give him a B- which is a big disappointment for me to think, or say.

He got a huge health scare last year, and still made his hours even while in chemo. Then after he was "cured," he went away for a month to visit his elderly mom and his sister and her family. All the while, working. I don't begrudge him that at all, it wasn't like he went to Vegas; he was overdue to see his family. But, here is my point--the household ran just fine without him. I can't even imagine leaving for a few days, let alone a month, and not having the household fall apart. It just underscored his disconnect with the rest of the family. Our remaining DC said it was sort of relaxing not having him around.

ugh. This was really sad to type. And at the same time, he is a wonderful guy in so many ways. These situations are never black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

You’re right but please understand the “LOL” pp is just jealous of the help.

LOL no jealousy at all just amusement at how clueless this poster is. She manages 75 percent of the home life by paying others to do it. Of course, she couldn’t do that if she wasn’t married to a partner making big money. So how exactly is she “managing” any of that more than him? Because it’s her thumb and not his that pushes the Venmo button?

I’m an early retired Biglaw partner sitting by the pool at our second home. We have people who do everything here - the lawn, the pool, the grocery deliveries, you name it. All I do is pay them. So I guess I handle 100 percent of the things that need to be done here, huh? Amazing how I manage to handle all of that while sitting by the pool all day long. Try telling my spouse that I’m soooo busy and see their reaction ha ha.

Sounds like you weren’t a very involved parent. Taking care of an infant 120 hours a week is not exactly like sitting by the pool all day.

But Ms 75 percent isn’t taking care of an infant. She has a nanny AND a babysitter.

Right. She takes care of the infant 120 hours a week, not 168.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my DH in law school and we both started out as newleyweds in BigLaw. After a time working as an attorney and then consulting, I ended up a SAHM. We've been married 24 years, and now have one in college and one senior in HS.

No, he's not very involved in the home life--even though he's been working at home since March 2020. He's working all the time. Although I left my firm before I was senior enough to become a partner, I remember it well and as a result I don't give my DH much crap about it/am not resentful.

But I will say that I wouldn't really do this again, because after decades here, the work-comes-first patterns are entrenched. He's not really too clear about what's going on in our DC's lives. Our older DC is resentful of that and she says she has "Daddy issues." I have to say, if I were to give him a grade on fatherhood (AFTER you take out the really horrible fathers like absent or abusive ones)--just looking at a subset of stereotypical good fathers--I'd give him a B- which is a big disappointment for me to think, or say.

He got a huge health scare last year, and still made his hours even while in chemo. Then after he was "cured," he went away for a month to visit his elderly mom and his sister and her family. All the while, working. I don't begrudge him that at all, it wasn't like he went to Vegas; he was overdue to see his family. But, here is my point--the household ran just fine without him. I can't even imagine leaving for a few days, let alone a month, and not having the household fall apart. It just underscored his disconnect with the rest of the family. Our remaining DC said it was sort of relaxing not having him around.

ugh. This was really sad to type. And at the same time, he is a wonderful guy in so many ways. These situations are never black and white.

This is really insightful. I think helping out at home and with kids makes you feel like you have a stake in your family life since you expended effort in those spheres of life. How do these men feel that connection to their family/kids life if they aren’t engaged in their life?

[Anonymous]

DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

I am a previous poster who also has a big law partner for a husband and 3 kids. Does your DH have outside interests? Does he do anything other than work and be with the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

I am a previous poster who also has a big law partner for a husband and 3 kids. Does your DH have outside interests? Does he do anything other than work and be with the family?

No. That's actually been a point of contention with us, I have encouraged him to spend more time on himself to avoid burnout but it's a battle. He does see friends for drinks and will smoke pot and watch sports on Saturday nights haha. Hopefully in a few years he can have more time to himself but for right now he prioritizes family time and I'm very grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

The big law mommies and daddies who handle big corporate litigations are not consistently at home by dinner time. These lawyers have deposition and trial schedules ruled by lots of travel and court-imposed deadlines. Some can hand off the depositions and pre-trial motions, but they’re in court everyday for the trial and many many times (sometimes simultaneously with the court case) the many rounds of negotiations to settle the matters out of court. Thankfully, this is a minority of lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

What exactly do you do? Sounds like he is killing himself and you are saying it is not enough.

[Anonymous]

Everyone should make choices which work best for them and their family and not worry about others or their opinions.

It doesn't matter how you do you, its not going to meet everyone else's standards but that's okay because its not their business and their opinion of you isn't your business. YOLO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

I find it hilarious it hilarious that you are essentially taking credit for your DH good luck and hard work. I’m a PP who said I think people with BigLaw jobs who spend time with their family typically do so at the expense of sleep and I stand by it. It’s just not physically possible for everyone, but I’m happy with the trade offs our family has made, it’s good you are too but it’s NOT for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Very. Frequently makes kids breakfast, sometimes takes them to activities, takes them on outings every weekend, just hangs out with us a lot. He does half the nighttime routine (I have one kid, he has the other), he helps the kids with their laundry, does the dishes a good amount, etc. He does this even when things are really busy but a lot when things aren't as hectic at work.

Family is his absolutely most important value, so I think it has more to do with that than how much time and energy he has.

And I'm betting he's not much of a biglaw partner.

He’s actually a really good one, but I think we’d all agree it’s better to be “not much” of a big law partner who is involved at home than a great one who isn’t.

Must be “not much” of a big law firm. At least at my firm, there’s no place for “not much” partners.

You know, sometimes I think big law attorneys are very impressive, and then I read comments like this and remember that they are actually just like the rest of us, doing things like drawing firm conclusions with absolutely no evidence for them.

My comment didn’t even imply the existence of a law firm that employs mediocre partners. I merely said that my husband is a good attorney (which of course you won’t believe, because whatever issues or biases you are dealing with will prevent you from changing your mind). I guess you don’t think it’s possible to be involved at home and be a good big law partner, but I want OP to know that that is not universally the case.

Maybe you missed the “at least at my firm” qualifier? Reading comprehension matters.

That last sentence wasn’t a qualifier. PP said “must be ‘not much’ of a big law firm.” If he/she wanted to qualify it, it would have said “if such a firm exists…”
More importantly, my statement didn’t say that DH is “not much” if a partner and PP carried on as though I did say that.

I think that PP is just doing mental gymnastics to justify the idea that big law partners are excused from investing time in their home lives. Everyone has different capabilities but no, just because you’re a big law partner doesn’t mean it’s okay put forth no or hardly any effort at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

I am a previous poster who also has a big law partner for a husband and 3 kids. Does your DH have outside interests? Does he do anything other than work and be with the family?

No. That's actually been a point of contention with us, I have encouraged him to spend more time on himself to avoid burnout but it's a battle. He does see friends for drinks and will smoke pot and watch sports on Saturday nights haha. Hopefully in a few years he can have more time to himself but for right now he prioritizes family time and I'm very grateful for that.

Wow. Your first post and this one are exactly like my family dynamic. I too refuse to live in a situation where he can’t be available for family. If that was the case I’d demand he quit. And he doesn’t have a lot of outside interests either, but I wish he did. I wish he would quit but of course this is what he wants and with the time he is investing in his family I can accept that.

[Anonymous]

Very. He only works about ~ 30 hours a week at the office. At his level, the firm only cares about your book of business, new business development, and keeping clients happy. As long as you can do that, you are golden.

[Anonymous]

DH is an equity partner in biglaw; I stayed home with our kids. When our 4 kids were younger, he was home every night for dinner. He would go to work at 6 am so he could be, but he was absolutely determined to have family time daily. He would work again after the kids went to bed.

Now our kids are older - high school and college-aged. DH makes time to attend events that are important to them: lacrosse games, band concerts. As he views it, he is in control of his time, so he can block off time for them. Each kid also get some weekend one-on-one time with him regularly, too: hikes, bike rides, etc. He also loves to cook so frequently does that on weekends. He enjoys doing home repairs himself and teaches basic skills to the kids. He never had time to coach their teams or anything like that, but he still has really strong relationships with each of them.

I do think he is kind of a unicorn in biglaw. I actually overheard another biglaw dad tell DH that he was making the rest of them look bad.