Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH

[Anonymous]

OP here.

My gut was right. He said it was his second bottle this month and he doesn't know why. He said he hasn't been drunk but having a glass secretly in the shower (he showers immediately before bed) or taking sips at other times like before he comes upstairs afterwork or while he walks the dog or while hes watering the garden. He said he put it in the freezer after I cleaned it out and was felt relieved that I found it because it wa sweighing heavily on him. Idk where we go from here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.

I mean, really? He got blackout drunk a couple of times in his early 20s and committed terrible acts like losing his phone and leaving the keys in the door once.

It's like some of you never even went to college.

The sneaking and secrecy is bad, but it's not clear if that's to avoid an overreaction from OP or if it's actually a sign of a problem. There's been no indication that he can't take care of his kids.

This, exactly. I’m kind of shocked by these responses. This seems pretty benign, especially for not knowing where the bottle came from or why it was in the freezer.

I’m pretty sure LOTS of us got blackout drunk many times in college and our 20s and did dumb things like lose our phones. I know I certainly did. But I didn’t know my spouse back then and he certainly doesn’t make rules for me regarding my consumption of alcohol.

This thread is wild. Nothing in the OP raised definite alarm bells for me. But according to the standards of OP and PPs, I'm unfit to parent my children because I partied in college.

[Anonymous]

Someone who blacks out, and hides/lies about alcohol has alcoholic tendencies.

Sorry. If he is an alcoholic, he will lie.

Good luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

I would do marriage counseling with someone with substance abuse experience.

I am glad he told you the truth. I think he is tempting fate, and you two need to work on it (especially given your history and your children:s ages).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My gut was right. He said it was his second bottle this month and he doesn't know why. He said he hasn't been drunk but having a glass secretly in the shower (he showers immediately before bed) or taking sips at other times like before he comes upstairs afterwork or while he walks the dog or while hes watering the garden. He said he put it in the freezer after I cleaned it out and was felt relieved that I found it because it wa sweighing heavily on him. Idk where we go from here.

Op I’m so glad you found it and that he was honest with you. You clearly have a very strong marriage and you can get through this. And I’m so sorry, I know how scary this is. I was the poster who had a very similar situation but with sneaking significant marijuana (I know marijuana might not sound like an issue to people but in this situation it was).

I would start with him seeing an individual counselor with training in substance use. We had Kaiser so went through them but you can start with psychology today. Unfortunately people are very backed up for now so it may take some time to find one but you’ll get there. The therapist can then refer to appropriate groups after they assess. Since nothing has become full blown it may not make sense for him to do AA for example. My husbands therapist was very helpful in finding a mens group that was more appropriate for my husbands needs given the situation (“addiction” wasn’t exactly accurate).

Spend tonight talking about how to keep communication open. That the first step is stopping the sneaking and being in this together. Tell him he’s not alone, you know he feels shame (people hide things when ashamed) but you love him and you’re scared and upset, but you are grateful he told you and that’s the most important thing. Keep the lines of communication open and ask him what you can do to help. Try to figure out what may be causing him to feel extra stress, or pressure, or need for release. Has this ever happened in the past but in a different way?

You got this. My husband is doing so much better, our communication is open and honest and you clearly have a strong foundation to start from.

I will also say while I said other posters should stop saying “he’s not your dad!!” I do think now that he’s been honest, try your best to remember that while it’s ok to be scared and maybe triggered by this, he really isn’t your dad. And this doesn’t mean he will become your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.

I mean, really? He got blackout drunk a couple of times in his early 20s and committed terrible acts like losing his phone and leaving the keys in the door once.

It's like some of you never even went to college.

The sneaking and secrecy is bad, but it's not clear if that's to avoid an overreaction from OP or if it's actually a sign of a problem. There's been no indication that he can't take care of his kids.

This, exactly. I’m kind of shocked by these responses. This seems pretty benign, especially for not knowing where the bottle came from or why it was in the freezer.

I’m pretty sure LOTS of us got blackout drunk many times in college and our 20s and did dumb things like lose our phones. I know I certainly did. But I didn’t know my spouse back then and he certainly doesn’t make rules for me regarding my consumption of alcohol.

This thread is wild. Nothing in the OP raised definite alarm bells for me. But according to the standards of OP and PPs, I'm unfit to parent my children because I partied in college.

Did you see the ops update? Most of us were not responding to the partying in college. But the current situation. I would say it’s likely those responding like that have had more intimate experiences with alcohol abuse. That is my experience and the red flags were immediate for me. He felt out of control enough with it to stop it on his own years ago and then now there was strong evidence he is sneaking it. Sneaking is a HUGE red flag in abusing substances. Huge. So that’s what people were responding to. The issue is not that he took a sip here and there through the day even (with ops update) it is the combination of the hiding and sneaking that tells you this is more than a hard party night for example.

You may have just found yourself lucky to not have flown close to the sun on this issue yet with someone you love (hopefully ever)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.

Isn't this a genuine concern? It seems like my husband has been secretly binge drinking over the last week and I'm supposed to leave him for 4 days to be the primary parents- tending to night wake ups, driving everywhere, etc.

Secretly binge drinking? Peppermint schnapps? I mean…

[Anonymous]

19:15 pp and I just want to also add that I feel confident a lot of folks are about to come on here op and tell you you’re overreacting (it was a few sips here and there! He didn’t even get drunk this is all because you are controlling/overreacting/etc). I urge you to ignore them. They likely don’t have deep experience with substance use disorders. There is a lot here to say that there is a good bit of risk here of this escalating. He knows it too and that’s why it’s been weighing on him. The quantity of the alcohol is not important here, it’s when he’s drinking and how. It is an escape and he feels out of control. That is what is important. Please follow your gut and get yourself and him support. Of course yes you don’t need to say omg he’s an alcoholic, that’s not the case - but he clearly feels he has difficulty controlling it and as you know these things can spiral quickly. So please just ignore those who gaslight you on this. This is NOT your fault. He is responsible for his behavior. If he wanted to have a glass of hard liquor here and there he could have come and talk to you to say things have changed and I’d like to do this. You clearly have a relationship he could do that based on his response to your inquiry. He didn’t because this isn’t about having a drink with his buddies or having one drink to relax at night. It’s serving a purpose for him right now, filling something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.

I mean, really? He got blackout drunk a couple of times in his early 20s and committed terrible acts like losing his phone and leaving the keys in the door once.

It's like some of you never even went to college.

The sneaking and secrecy is bad, but it's not clear if that's to avoid an overreaction from OP or if it's actually a sign of a problem. There's been no indication that he can't take care of his kids.

This, exactly. I’m kind of shocked by these responses. This seems pretty benign, especially for not knowing where the bottle came from or why it was in the freezer.

I’m pretty sure LOTS of us got blackout drunk many times in college and our 20s and did dumb things like lose our phones. I know I certainly did. But I didn’t know my spouse back then and he certainly doesn’t make rules for me regarding my consumption of alcohol.

This thread is wild. Nothing in the OP raised definite alarm bells for me. But according to the standards of OP and PPs, I'm unfit to parent my children because I partied in college.

Did you see the ops update? Most of us were not responding to the partying in college. But the current situation. I would say it’s likely those responding like that have had more intimate experiences with alcohol abuse. That is my experience and the red flags were immediate for me. He felt out of control enough with it to stop it on his own years ago and then now there was strong evidence he is sneaking it. Sneaking is a HUGE red flag in abusing substances. Huge. So that’s what people were responding to. The issue is not that he took a sip here and there through the day even (with ops update) it is the combination of the hiding and sneaking that tells you this is more than a hard party night for example.

You may have just found yourself lucky to not have flown close to the sun on this issue yet with someone you love (hopefully ever)

Np here and I read the entire thread and I agree with pp that this is an overreaction and I totally understand why her husband didn't tell her ge wanted to change their previous poorly thought out and immature agreement

But go a head and diagnose him as an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My gut was right. He said it was his second bottle this month and he doesn't know why. He said he hasn't been drunk but having a glass secretly in the shower (he showers immediately before bed) or taking sips at other times like before he comes upstairs afterwork or while he walks the dog or while hes watering the garden. He said he put it in the freezer after I cleaned it out and was felt relieved that I found it because it wa sweighing heavily on him. Idk where we go from here.

Hmm so yo decided to have this conversation less than 5 hours from your initial post where you just didn't know what to do and you're back on DCUm instead of chatting with him.

I smell a troll or you have way bigger issues than some peppermint alcohol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.

I mean, really? He got blackout drunk a couple of times in his early 20s and committed terrible acts like losing his phone and leaving the keys in the door once.

It's like some of you never even went to college.

The sneaking and secrecy is bad, but it's not clear if that's to avoid an overreaction from OP or if it's actually a sign of a problem. There's been no indication that he can't take care of his kids.

This, exactly. I’m kind of shocked by these responses. This seems pretty benign, especially for not knowing where the bottle came from or why it was in the freezer.

I’m pretty sure LOTS of us got blackout drunk many times in college and our 20s and did dumb things like lose our phones. I know I certainly did. But I didn’t know my spouse back then and he certainly doesn’t make rules for me regarding my consumption of alcohol.

This thread is wild. Nothing in the OP raised definite alarm bells for me. But according to the standards of OP and PPs, I'm unfit to parent my children because I partied in college.

Did you see the ops update? Most of us were not responding to the partying in college. But the current situation. I would say it’s likely those responding like that have had more intimate experiences with alcohol abuse. That is my experience and the red flags were immediate for me. He felt out of control enough with it to stop it on his own years ago and then now there was strong evidence he is sneaking it. Sneaking is a HUGE red flag in abusing substances. Huge. So that’s what people were responding to. The issue is not that he took a sip here and there through the day even (with ops update) it is the combination of the hiding and sneaking that tells you this is more than a hard party night for example.

You may have just found yourself lucky to not have flown close to the sun on this issue yet with someone you love (hopefully ever)

Np here and I read the entire thread and I agree with pp that this is an overreaction and I totally understand why her husband didn't tell her ge wanted to change their previous poorly thought out and immature agreement

But go a head and diagnose him as an alcoholic

He’s not an alcoholic, no. but I can pretty much promise you this is very risky for escalating if he doesn’t address it. I have training in this but I know that doesn’t actually matter on here (which it shouldn’t because this is an anonymous message board and I’m not speaking in a professional capacity) but… you’re very likely wrong on this one. This is not normal behavior for a normal drinker. Who even wants to drink peppermint vodka at 11a in the shower?? Really. He just wants to have peppermint vodka SO badly but his wife is SO CONTROLLING that he can’t so he has a glass in the shower? Please. He is hiding this because there is more behind it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My gut was right. He said it was his second bottle this month and he doesn't know why. He said he hasn't been drunk but having a glass secretly in the shower (he showers immediately before bed) or taking sips at other times like before he comes upstairs afterwork or while he walks the dog or while hes watering the garden. He said he put it in the freezer after I cleaned it out and was felt relieved that I found it because it wa sweighing heavily on him. Idk where we go from here.

Hmm so yo decided to have this conversation less than 5 hours from your initial post where you just didn't know what to do and you're back on DCUm instead of chatting with him.

I smell a troll or you have way bigger issues than some peppermint alcohol

She says in the op she plans to talk to him this afternoon. I don’t think this a troll.

[Anonymous]

How do you not know what bodywash your husband has/uses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you not know what bodywash your husband has/uses?

I don't ever go in his bathroom (the in law suite is converted to his office and he uses that bathroom). We don't have a master bath.

[Anonymous]

How have you never smelled it on his breath if he's been drinking for a month?