Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH

[Anonymous]

Maybe it was easier not to drink before he had two little kids. Not good.

[Anonymous]

My husband is the child of alcoholic parents. I completely understand your concern. But, you sound really controlling, OP. You actually know what your husband drinks during the day? Your mention of always using a clear cup? I have no idea what is inside my husband’s coffee mug right now nor do I know what he drinks at work.

I understand your fear. But, do not approach your husband from a place of fear or anger. Just ask him about it. “Hey. I noticed a bottle of alcohol in the downstairs freezer.” See what he says. Given how controlling you seem, many he just doesn’t want to deal with the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the child of alcoholic parents. I completely understand your concern. But, you sound really controlling, OP. You actually know what your husband drinks during the day? Your mention of always using a clear cup? I have no idea what is inside my husband’s coffee mug right now nor do I know what he drinks at work.

I understand your fear. But, do not approach your husband from a place of fear or anger. Just ask him about it. “Hey. I noticed a bottle of alcohol in the downstairs freezer.” See what he says. Given how controlling you seem, many he just doesn’t want to deal with the drama.

Right, because drinking vodka alone in the basement is usually fine.

[Anonymous]

OP you are going off the deep end. Just ask about the bottle, it's not really that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- if you can't already tell I am also the child of an abusive alcoholic father and am going down the rabbit hole

OP, you know what you know. Don't let anyone gaslight you. Of course you are terrified. The situation is scary. Your DH is lying to you. Someone on this board wrote a wise comment about not asking questions to people in situations like this which you already know the answer. How can you take care of yourself right now instead of arguing with your DH? If you don't want to leave your kids alone with him, then don't.

Yes, a conversation should be had with your DH, but confronting him won't change him.

Agree. Don't let people make you feel like this is you OP or that you're being controlling. You know something isn't right here. He is sneaking and hiding. That is a huge flag for concern and you are RIGHT. I say this as someone whose partner has struggled similarly (though with marijuana) and hid it and that was a big flag it had gotten to a bad place. He could see that too. Yes your gut may react more strongly to this given your experience as a kid but it doesn't mean you're wrong. I highly doubt you are. 9 days ago, hidden in the freezer, smells like peppermint. there aren't many explanations that would make sense then he is sneaking alcohol and that is a serious concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- if you can't already tell I am also the child of an abusive alcoholic father and am going down the rabbit hole

OP, you know what you know. Don't let anyone gaslight you. Of course you are terrified. The situation is scary. Your DH is lying to you. Someone on this board wrote a wise comment about not asking questions to people in situations like this which you already know the answer. How can you take care of yourself right now instead of arguing with your DH? If you don't want to leave your kids alone with him, then don't.

Yes, a conversation should be had with your DH, but confronting him won't change him.

Agree. Don't let people make you feel like this is you OP or that you're being controlling. You know something isn't right here. He is sneaking and hiding. That is a huge flag for concern and you are RIGHT. I say this as someone whose partner has struggled similarly (though with marijuana) and hid it and that was a big flag it had gotten to a bad place. He could see that too. Yes your gut may react more strongly to this given your experience as a kid but it doesn't mean you're wrong. I highly doubt you are. 9 days ago, hidden in the freezer, smells like peppermint. there aren't many explanations that would make sense then he is sneaking alcohol and that is a serious concern.

I will share that in my case the thing that was the most helpful in dealing with this was approaching my husband with understanding and trying to figure out together what is going on and come up with a plan together. Getting angry at him just leads to more hiding. I had to tell him it's ok we can figure this out, we have to do it together, I know you feel ashamed, I'm not leaving you etc. Shame is powerful, so powerful. My husband in these situations in the past has been extremely defensive at first. Denied. It made me much angrier. But it is a defense mechanism related to shame. be there with him, tell him you know it's hard to admit something whenyou haven't been sharing the full truth but you are his partner and you want to know all of him and worth through it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just went into our basement freezer (that I rarely if ever go in to) and there is a bottle of alcohol 3/4 empty. Dh was traveling for work 9 days ago and we had a power outage and I happened to go in that freezer to check if things were still good so I know it wasn't there then.

We are 36yo, together since 18yo, have two young kids.

When we were 23yo we had a talk about drinking hard alcohol. He could always have beers or wine totally fine, but a couple shots or hard drinks and he turned into a mess. He was never violent or abusive in any form, it was more safety concerns- he would not remember going home (walking or cab- he never drove). He lost his phone once, left his key in our front door overnight once. This was all when we were being early 20 somethings out with friends at bars or on trips. It never crossed my mind that it was an actual drinking problem- I've just always thought he can't handle hard alcohol and he was in agreement.

To my knowledge, he has not had hard alcohol since then. Even at weddings and events he has always stuck to beer.

To my knowledge, I thought we have an occasional glass of wine with dinner on the weekend or drinks (he always has beer) when we go out socially.

We both WFH and go to bed at the same time so I'm just genuinely confused when this is happening- is he drinking during the work day? Sneaking it into some other drink? He drinks a coffee in the morning and then typically a la Croix from the can and water from clear glasses throughout the day. We spend 99% of evenings together watching tv, meal prepping, playing cards, doing yard work and he never has any sort of drink in his hands during that time. I've never noticed him tipsy or drunk.

I did ask him maybe a week ago if he got new body wash because he smelled different (more minty) and he said yes. I can't remember exactly what day that was or what he was doing because it was just an innocent question. It's peppermint flavored alcohol that I found.

Really confused and blindsided with this one. Kids are 5y and 2y and I'm supposed to be going away for the first time since having kids next weekend. Now I feel absolutely sick. Kids are gone today and we WFH so I'm going to bring it up this afternoon.

There is what you drink, and what he drinks. By referring to "we" having an occasional glass of wine/beer, you make it sound as if he doesn't have his own free will to get a drink when he wants one.

That is not setting anyone up for success.

[Anonymous]

Get off DCUM and ask him.

[Anonymous]

DW buys chocolate and keeps it in her office. She snacks on it sometimes when work is stressful.

I don't really care.. it doesn't impede her ability to function and she hasn't gained weight either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.

Isn't this a genuine concern? It seems like my husband has been secretly binge drinking over the last week and I'm supposed to leave him for 4 days to be the primary parents- tending to night wake ups, driving everywhere, etc.

It seems to me like you're looking for a reason to cancel your trip.

If you have noticed any alarming behavior in the last week I doubt your kids are in danger.

I understand your fears given your background but I'd say 90% of parents did airhead thing while drinking in their 20s and as mid 30s adults are caring for their kids responsibly.

I'd also say a good percentage of parents have a drink while being in charge of the kids and don't become impaired or harm the kids.

Yes he should have told you about the alcohol and had the conversation about not wanting to ban harder alcohol anymore, but given how emotional you are over the topic I can see why he didn't.
Two things need to happen

1. Just tell him what you found and ask him about it. Listen to what he says. No arguing. Or bringing up past agreement. Just listen. After you get his answers you can go from there with what to do.
2. Therapy for you you are trying to make up for your dad's abuse and your out of control childhood by trying to control everything now.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you been to Al Anon given your childhood with alcoholic Dad? Al Anon really helped me given my alcoholic Dad.

I would simply ask your husband about the vodka.

One thing I learned in Al Anon is that only the drinker can stop their drinking.

If you go to an Al Anon meeting I'd be right upfront with your husband about where you are going and that alcohol destroyed your childhood and you need some support.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is not your alcoholic father. I would be LIVID if my spouse thought they could control what I eat and drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.

Isn't this a genuine concern? It seems like my husband has been secretly binge drinking over the last week and I'm supposed to leave him for 4 days to be the primary parents- tending to night wake ups, driving everywhere, etc.

It seems to me like you're looking for a reason to cancel your trip.

If you have noticed any alarming behavior in the last week I doubt your kids are in danger.

I understand your fears given your background but I'd say 90% of parents did airhead thing while drinking in their 20s and as mid 30s adults are caring for their kids responsibly.

I'd also say a good percentage of parents have a drink while being in charge of the kids and don't become impaired or harm the kids.

Yes he should have told you about the alcohol and had the conversation about not wanting to ban harder alcohol anymore, but given how emotional you are over the topic I can see why he didn't.
Two things need to happen

1. Just tell him what you found and ask him about it. Listen to what he says. No arguing. Or bringing up past agreement. Just listen. After you get his answers you can go from there with what to do.
2. Therapy for you you are trying to make up for your dad's abuse and your out of control childhood by trying to control everything now.

This is good advice. When you ask him about the vodka ask as an open ended question. See what he says and really listen to him. Agree don't bring up the past agreement.

Also agree with personal therapy and/or Al Anon for you. I found Al Anon way more helpful as it taught me a lot about boundaries for me and coping skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is not your alcoholic father. I would be LIVID if my spouse thought they could control what I eat and drink.

Who said OP was trying to control her spouse? She just wants to know whats up and why its hidden in the basement. There are a few couples who come from alcoholic families and want to break the cycle so prior to marriage have agree upon not drinking I think you need to open your mind a little before judging others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is not your alcoholic father. I would be LIVID if my spouse thought they could control what I eat and drink.

She is not trying to control it. They had discussed long ago a situation that was impacting their relationship and mutually agreed that hard alcohol was a safety risk, and now he's been sneaking it so she understandably wants to understand what's been happening/why the sneaking. OP everyone is gaslighting you. Don't let them. You are allowed to have opinions in your relationship about things that impact you and your kids like alcohol. Yes you can't control it but you are allowed to have discussions about something that is being hidden!!