Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My gut was right. He said it was his second bottle this month and he doesn't know why. He said he hasn't been drunk but having a glass secretly in the shower (he showers immediately before bed) or taking sips at other times like before he comes upstairs afterwork or while he walks the dog or while hes watering the garden. He said he put it in the freezer after I cleaned it out and was felt relieved that I found it because it wa sweighing heavily on him. Idk where we go from here.

Hmm so yo decided to have this conversation less than 5 hours from your initial post where you just didn't know what to do and you're back on DCUm instead of chatting with him.

I smell a troll or you have way bigger issues than some peppermint alcohol

She says in the op she plans to talk to him this afternoon. I don’t think this a troll.

And she ran right here with this devastating update. I still think troll. I'm ducking out of this one. Y'all have fun advising her in each of her updates

[Anonymous]

I’d drink if I had a spouse like OP too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d drink if I had a spouse like OP too

Like what? Someone who is worried that her husband might be struggling when she finds something that she knows he had a hard time with in the past and had decided to stop? Who it sounds like calmly checked in with him and who he felt safe enough to tell her what was going on. He didn’t respond with “I only did it because you’re so controlling!!” Like everyone is trying to claim? This was out of the norm for their relationship and op brought it up, everyone is making assumptions that the husband stopped drinking hard liquor just because of her when it sounds like it was very much his own decision as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My gut was right. He said it was his second bottle this month and he doesn't know why. He said he hasn't been drunk but having a glass secretly in the shower (he showers immediately before bed) or taking sips at other times like before he comes upstairs afterwork or while he walks the dog or while hes watering the garden. He said he put it in the freezer after I cleaned it out and was felt relieved that I found it because it wa sweighing heavily on him. Idk where we go from here.

Well, I will make a plug for an app I find extremely helpful - Reframe. There are two tracks - reduce or quit. A ton of resources and you can start from where you are, if that makes sense.

Sounds like a good sign that he is relieved you found it because it indicates a desire to make a change.

I will also suggest that if drinking a glass of wine here or there is not a big deal to you, stop and get all alcohol out of the house. I am not suggesting in any way that you are responsible for him making this change/dealing with the fact that he's drinking in secret, or that this is something you need to do, but one thing that helps me is knowing that drinking alcohol is not an option.

[Anonymous]

I would not leave him alone and in charge for several days. Esp since he says stress is driving his drinking. If something happened you would never forgive yourself, don't take the risk right now.

[Anonymous]

Gurl, go ask your man what's up and report back because none of what we say will matter.

[Anonymous]

Oh man hidden peppermint schnnaps has to be about the saddest secret alcohol drinking ever.

[Anonymous]

I don’t drink normally. But now I need to stop at the county liquor store and see what this peppermint Schnapps is all about. Lol. Maybe they have those little mini bottles to test.

[Anonymous]

^^ So many people here with terrible reading comprehension. OP said it was VODKA, not schnapps. Keep up, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

This.

This is not recommended for family members to do in the alcohol recovery programs. Family members are not supposed to "police" the drinker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through confronting this type of situation with my own spouse. I suspected closet drinking a number of times over a period of a few years. Spouse gaslighted - told me I was crazy, said I was imagining things, denied things/behaviors I knew seemed off, etc. Finally, spouse got busted in an undeniable way and has since gone through treatment.

This is someone who functioned at a very high level at work, continued to work out/exercise, was very much in control of alcohol in social situations (i.e., not the drunk at the party), but who was trying to soothe depression and anxiety with hidden drinking (which only made said depression and anxiety worse). Spouse emotionally withdrew from marriage and family until mental health and secret drinking spiraled...it all came to light with one very bad decision that could have irreversibly destroyed our family. It took many months for our family to get back on track. And rebuilding trust was/has been a serious ongoing challenge giving the lying and gaslighting over many years.

I did all the things suggested above...asked about my suspicions casually (made jokes about it, even), expressed my support and concern, angrily demanded explanations, secretly marked bottles to catch spouse in bad behavior, studied credit card bills to track activity/spending, etc. It wasn't until spouse lost control and couldn't deny it any longer that it finally came to light.

I'm not saying this is what's happening with your husband, but I am suggesting you take this concern seriously. Once I got through the initial shock of acknowledging I was married to someone with an alcohol use disorder, I chose to approach this from the perspective of wanting to support the spouse through treatment and work hard to rebuild our relationship. But as I quickly learned, it wasn't my problem to fix so while spouse sought professional help, I concurrently focused on protecting/healing myself and my kids.

Just know that AUD is a broad spectrum and takes many forms. Make no mistake...hiding alcohol and drinking alone is disordered use of alcohol.

Hiding alcohol in the woodshed or garage or car is classic AUD. Day drinking and drinking in the shower at 11:00 am again is classic AUD.

It is not uncommon for many long term drinkers to have consumed a lot of alcohol but not appear drunk.

OP take things day by day. Is your husband open to seeing a professional therapist himself? Generally couples therapy is not recommended
when one part of the couple is actively "using." If your husband can get a handle on his compulsions then couples therapy might be warranted but individual therapy is probably more helpful for both you you now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through confronting this type of situation with my own spouse. I suspected closet drinking a number of times over a period of a few years. Spouse gaslighted - told me I was crazy, said I was imagining things, denied things/behaviors I knew seemed off, etc. Finally, spouse got busted in an undeniable way and has since gone through treatment.

This is someone who functioned at a very high level at work, continued to work out/exercise, was very much in control of alcohol in social situations (i.e., not the drunk at the party), but who was trying to soothe depression and anxiety with hidden drinking (which only made said depression and anxiety worse). Spouse emotionally withdrew from marriage and family until mental health and secret drinking spiraled...it all came to light with one very bad decision that could have irreversibly destroyed our family. It took many months for our family to get back on track. And rebuilding trust was/has been a serious ongoing challenge giving the lying and gaslighting over many years.

I did all the things suggested above...asked about my suspicions casually (made jokes about it, even), expressed my support and concern, angrily demanded explanations, secretly marked bottles to catch spouse in bad behavior, studied credit card bills to track activity/spending, etc. It wasn't until spouse lost control and couldn't deny it any longer that it finally came to light.

I'm not saying this is what's happening with your husband, but I am suggesting you take this concern seriously. Once I got through the initial shock of acknowledging I was married to someone with an alcohol use disorder, I chose to approach this from the perspective of wanting to support the spouse through treatment and work hard to rebuild our relationship. But as I quickly learned, it wasn't my problem to fix so while spouse sought professional help, I concurrently focused on protecting/healing myself and my kids.

Just know that AUD is a broad spectrum and takes many forms. Make no mistake...hiding alcohol and drinking alone is disordered use of alcohol.

Hiding alcohol in the woodshed or garage or car is classic AUD. Day drinking and drinking in the shower at 11:00 am again is classic AUD.

It is not uncommon for many long term drinkers to have consumed a lot of alcohol but not appear drunk.

OP take things day by day. Is your husband open to seeing a professional therapist himself? Generally couples therapy is not recommended
when one part of the couple is actively "using." If your husband can get a handle on his compulsions then couples therapy might be warranted but individual therapy is probably more helpful for both you you now.

I’m not saying OP’s husband doesn’t have a drinking problem BUT 1) he had the alcohol in the freezer. That’s not the same as hiding it in the woodshed or garage or car. In fact that’s where most people I know keep vodka. 2) OP didn’t say he was day drinking and she specifically said he sometimes drinks in the shower and that he showers right before bed (don’t know where you got showering at 11am from). It sounds like he’s got some issues going on for sure and it’s good for OP and her husband to address them. But you’re making things sound worse than OP indicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Peppermint Schnapps might not be hard alcohol. It can be 30 proof. Vodka is like 100 proof.

It is peppermint vodka

She said peppermint alcohol.

[Anonymous]

As someone sitting here drinking a nice cocktail, just like I do most nights, I do not understand what OP is going on about.

I feel sad for OP's husband that he has to hide drinking a little bit of alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peppermint flavored booze isn’t exactly the type of alcohol imaging people drinking secret quantities of. But I do think where there is smoke there is fire. Something’s up.

FYI, some secret drinkers use peppermint flavored spirits so that if there's any scent on their breath, they can dismiss it by saying they've been popping peppermint breath mints. Not making this up. It's come up a couple of times on previous DCUM threads about spouses drinking in secret. Makes complete sense for secret drinking, sadly.