Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH

[Anonymous]

Just ask without accusation. Maybe be feels like he’s being monitored because of a handful of relatively tame misadventures from more than a decade ago, pre kids and when he was barely an adult himself.

If he enjoys a peppermint schnapps now and then and it’s not negatively impacting him or anyone around him, consider giving him the space and trust to make his own decisions about alcohol. It sounds like the main problem is the hiding/potential dishonesty and not the alcohol itself, so take the hiding/secrecy out of the equation and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just went into our basement freezer (that I rarely if ever go in to) and there is a bottle of alcohol 3/4 empty. Dh was traveling for work 9 days ago and we had a power outage and I happened to go in that freezer to check if things were still good so I know it wasn't there then.

We are 36yo, together since 18yo, have two young kids.

When we were 23yo we had a talk about drinking hard alcohol. He could always have beers or wine totally fine, but a couple shots or hard drinks and he turned into a mess. He was never violent or abusive in any form, it was more safety concerns- he would not remember going home (walking or cab- he never drove). He lost his phone once, left his key in our front door overnight once. This was all when we were being early 20 somethings out with friends at bars or on trips. It never crossed my mind that it was an actual drinking problem- I've just always thought he can't handle hard alcohol and he was in agreement.

To my knowledge, he has not had hard alcohol since then. Even at weddings and events he has always stuck to beer.

To my knowledge, I thought we have an occasional glass of wine with dinner on the weekend or drinks (he always has beer) when we go out socially.

We both WFH and go to bed at the same time so I'm just genuinely confused when this is happening- is he drinking during the work day? Sneaking it into some other drink? He drinks a coffee in the morning and then typically a la Croix from the can and water from clear glasses throughout the day. We spend 99% of evenings together watching tv, meal prepping, playing cards, doing yard work and he never has any sort of drink in his hands during that time. I've never noticed him tipsy or drunk.

I did ask him maybe a week ago if he got new body wash because he smelled different (more minty) and he said yes. I can't remember exactly what day that was or what he was doing because it was just an innocent question. It's peppermint flavored alcohol that I found.

Really confused and blindsided with this one. Kids are 5y and 2y and I'm supposed to be going away for the first time since having kids next weekend. Now I feel absolutely sick. Kids are gone today and we WFH so I'm going to bring it up this afternoon.

It could have been there just hidden, don't jumó to conclusions.

I'm positive it wasn't. I came across old breastmilk which prompted me to empty the whole freezer and discarded everything expired.

[Anonymous]

Take your alcoholic childhood out of the equation before you approach the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.

Isn't this a genuine concern? It seems like my husband has been secretly binge drinking over the last week and I'm supposed to leave him for 4 days to be the primary parents- tending to night wake ups, driving everywhere, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, given your background, I understand your alarm at the situation. But agree with the PPs that the best way to approach is simply to ask what's up with the bottle in the freezer, and take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Get off DCUM and talk to him, OP. If you can't talk to him now, keep off DCUM. It's not helping. Only talking to him will give you the answers you need.

[Anonymous]

How would you have reacted if he brought the alcohol into the house non-secretly? Would it have been a thing, or would you have been fine with it?

If you have made some rule that he's not allowed to drink liquor bc he overdid it on shots a couple of times as a 23yo, then he probably just likes schnapps and hid it so he wouldn't have to deal with your (over)reaction. If not, and he is hiding it for some other reason, I would be more concerned.

[Anonymous]

Peppermint Schnapps might not be hard alcohol. It can be 30 proof. Vodka is like 100 proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- if you can't already tell I am also the child of an abusive alcoholic father and am going down the rabbit hole

OP, you know what you know. Don't let anyone gaslight you. Of course you are terrified. The situation is scary. Your DH is lying to you. Someone on this board wrote a wise comment about not asking questions to people in situations like this which you already know the answer. How can you take care of yourself right now instead of arguing with your DH? If you don't want to leave your kids alone with him, then don't.

Yes, a conversation should be had with your DH, but confronting him won't change him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.

I agree. You don't know how long the bottle has been in the freezer. You said yourself you never go downstairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peppermint Schnapps might not be hard alcohol. It can be 30 proof. Vodka is like 100 proof.

It is peppermint vodka

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

Even though I'm supposed to leave him and the kids home for the first time for 4 days next weekend?

Are you very controlling in other aspects of your life? Or just this? Because it’s enough to drive a grown man to drink.

I agree. You don't know how long the bottle has been in the freezer. You said yourself you never go downstairs.

It was absolutely not in there 9 days ago. We had a power outage and I checked the frozen stuff, removed everything, and discarded the expired food

[Anonymous]

The hiding/lying isn't good, but if you've noticed ZERO impact to his behavior, then it's possible he's just hiding it to avoid your judgment, not because there's a problem. Again, this isn't an excuse for him, but I don't know if you should be worried that he can't watch your children or keep his job or whatever else.