Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH

[Anonymous]

I went through confronting this type of situation with my own spouse. I suspected closet drinking a number of times over a period of a few years. Spouse gaslighted - told me I was crazy, said I was imagining things, denied things/behaviors I knew seemed off, etc. Finally, spouse got busted in an undeniable way and has since gone through treatment.

This is someone who functioned at a very high level at work, continued to work out/exercise, was very much in control of alcohol in social situations (i.e., not the drunk at the party), but who was trying to soothe depression and anxiety with hidden drinking (which only made said depression and anxiety worse). Spouse emotionally withdrew from marriage and family until mental health and secret drinking spiraled...it all came to light with one very bad decision that could have irreversibly destroyed our family. It took many months for our family to get back on track. And rebuilding trust was/has been a serious ongoing challenge giving the lying and gaslighting over many years.

I did all the things suggested above...asked about my suspicions casually (made jokes about it, even), expressed my support and concern, angrily demanded explanations, secretly marked bottles to catch spouse in bad behavior, studied credit card bills to track activity/spending, etc. It wasn't until spouse lost control and couldn't deny it any longer that it finally came to light.

I'm not saying this is what's happening with your husband, but I am suggesting you take this concern seriously. Once I got through the initial shock of acknowledging I was married to someone with an alcohol use disorder, I chose to approach this from the perspective of wanting to support the spouse through treatment and work hard to rebuild our relationship. But as I quickly learned, it wasn't my problem to fix so while spouse sought professional help, I concurrently focused on protecting/healing myself and my kids.

Just know that AUD is a broad spectrum and takes many forms. Make no mistake...hiding alcohol and drinking alone is disordered use of alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just monitor for a while to see how quickly he is consuming it. Maybe he just occasionally has a small amount. If so, is that still a problem to you?

If he’s not allowed to have any, then yes it’s a big deal. A huge deal in fact!

None means none!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through confronting this type of situation with my own spouse. I suspected closet drinking a number of times over a period of a few years. Spouse gaslighted - told me I was crazy, said I was imagining things, denied things/behaviors I knew seemed off, etc. Finally, spouse got busted in an undeniable way and has since gone through treatment.

This is someone who functioned at a very high level at work, continued to work out/exercise, was very much in control of alcohol in social situations (i.e., not the drunk at the party), but who was trying to soothe depression and anxiety with hidden drinking (which only made said depression and anxiety worse). Spouse emotionally withdrew from marriage and family until mental health and secret drinking spiraled...it all came to light with one very bad decision that could have irreversibly destroyed our family. It took many months for our family to get back on track. And rebuilding trust was/has been a serious ongoing challenge giving the lying and gaslighting over many years.

I did all the things suggested above...asked about my suspicions casually (made jokes about it, even), expressed my support and concern, angrily demanded explanations, secretly marked bottles to catch spouse in bad behavior, studied credit card bills to track activity/spending, etc. It wasn't until spouse lost control and couldn't deny it any longer that it finally came to light.

I'm not saying this is what's happening with your husband, but I am suggesting you take this concern seriously. Once I got through the initial shock of acknowledging I was married to someone with an alcohol use disorder, I chose to approach this from the perspective of wanting to support the spouse through treatment and work hard to rebuild our relationship. But as I quickly learned, it wasn't my problem to fix so while spouse sought professional help, I concurrently focused on protecting/healing myself and my kids.

Just know that AUD is a broad spectrum and takes many forms. Make no mistake...hiding alcohol and drinking alone is disordered use of alcohol.

Please give the almost destroy family reason to better understand

[Anonymous]

Peppermint flavored booze isn’t exactly the type of alcohol imaging people drinking secret quantities of. But I do think where there is smoke there is fire. Something’s up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just monitor for a while to see how quickly he is consuming it. Maybe he just occasionally has a small amount. If so, is that still a problem to you?

If he’s not allowed to have any, then yes it’s a big deal. A huge deal in fact!

None means none!

DP. This is the strange part: he's not "allowed" to have any because he and OP decided before they got married that he couldn't have any hard alcohol because she felt his behavior in college was a problem. Unless I missed an update, OP didn't report any concerning behavior since then until now when she found a partially consumed bottle of Schnapps.

[Anonymous]

He hasn’t had hard alcohol in 13 years that you know of, you never have seen him drunk, and you see one bottle in the house and start leaping to conclusions. You never even had his word that he was never going to drink, only one conversation a decade ago with you scolding him and telling him he can’t handle his liquor.

This is neurotic, anxious, and just plain controlling behavior on your part. It sucks that your father was an alcoholic, but he is not your father and you aren’t his mother.

[Anonymous]

OP I’d just ask him in a casual way where it came from. Don’t you think he would find a better hiding spot, if that was his goal? One would think so.

Does he ever go out with friends, do you guys have friends over etc? Someone could have brought it, or given it to him. Or- maybe he went to a friends house and had some, no one else cared for it, and they sent him home with it. Who knows…

We don’t drink liquor but a few times a year (DH might have a rare whiskey, or we will make margaritas or similar on a whim in the summer) but have a pretty full liquor cabinet. People bring stuff over when we entertain, or when visiting from out of town. Heck my parents usually stay at a hotel when they visit, and sometimes buy gin for my dad. He’ll give us the rest of the bottle since he can’t take it home with him in the plane LOL. He does not have a drinking problem (like a nightcap and is too cheap to buy it at the hotel bar).

I understand your background etc but given your DH has shown zero indication of a drinking problem in the last decade, I would not jump to conclusions. You sound a bit controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peppermint flavored booze isn’t exactly the type of alcohol imaging people drinking secret quantities of. But I do think where there is smoke there is fire. Something’s up.

Why not? It smells like toothpaste

[Anonymous]

nobody who is trying to get the effects of alcohol is using peppermint schnapps to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nobody who is trying to get the effects of alcohol is using peppermint schnapps to do it.

It's peppermint vodka

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nobody who is trying to get the effects of alcohol is using peppermint schnapps to do it.

It's peppermint vodka

No, he's swishing mouthwash to get the vodka smell off his breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say nothing and incognito mark how much is left now. Every day I'd check to see if any is missing. When it gets empty say hey I saw it took you 2 days to finish off that vodka, what gives? Do you need help? Or it took you 6 months to finish off that vodka why didn't you just tell me you wanted some instead of hiding it?

This.

[Anonymous]

I’d probably keep tabs on the bottle for about a week and see if any disappears.

Perhaps he will mention it before then. Plenty of plausible stories about why it might be there- that don’t mean he has a drinking problem.

If nothing or no change, after a week I’d volunteer to get something out of the freezer in his presence (oh I’ll run and grab some frozen xyz) and see how he reacts. If he seems agitated or panicked and offers to go to the freezer himself, you might have your answer. If he is nonchalant, go the freezer yourself and that is a natural time to “find” it and ask him.

Honestly, the freezer would be a foolish place to hide it, if that is what he was trying to do. Doesn’t seem likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nobody who is trying to get the effects of alcohol is using peppermint schnapps to do it.

It's peppermint vodka

No, he's swishing mouthwash to get the vodka smell off his breath.

What? Vodka doesn't have a smell. And Schnapps is not peppermint vodka, although it's similar.

And PP is right -- peppermint schnapps is not a go-to drink for...well, any adult really. It's pretty disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With his history of blackout drinking I would make a different plan for childcare during your trip.

Al Anon for you, find a meeting you can attend on Zoom today.

Ignore the people denying and minimizing this, his drinking history is NOT normal and your concerns are justified.

I mean, really? He got blackout drunk a couple of times in his early 20s and committed terrible acts like losing his phone and leaving the keys in the door once.

It's like some of you never even went to college.

The sneaking and secrecy is bad, but it's not clear if that's to avoid an overreaction from OP or if it's actually a sign of a problem. There's been no indication that he can't take care of his kids.

This, exactly. I’m kind of shocked by these responses. This seems pretty benign, especially for not knowing where the bottle came from or why it was in the freezer.

I’m pretty sure LOTS of us got blackout drunk many times in college and our 20s and did dumb things like lose our phones. I know I certainly did. But I didn’t know my spouse back then and he certainly doesn’t make rules for me regarding my consumption of alcohol.