How can we better navigate this beach house dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you kids? My elementary age kids are up at 6:30-7am, especially with the light streaming in the crappy curtains at most beach rentals.

My kids get up and eat a quick bite and then go down to the beach to fly kites while my in-laws watch them. Then they all come back and we have the “proper” breakfast which is more like brunch.
We plan activities every other day - nature center, cape May zoo, mini golf, etc. That gets us out for the day. We typically spend the most time one the beach in the later afternoon - and MIL gets to do her cooler thing for snacks and cocktail hour.
There is still the expectation that we all sit around and chat for hours every night - but I have worked my way out of that. When I was pregnant, I “needed rest” and then I was “putting down the baby” or “staying close in case the toddler wakes up scared in a strange place”. Now I’ve trained them them I will always go to bed early.

We have a similar vacation vibe with a similar group, we’ve just managed to shift the timeline. We do still have to eat lasagna my MIL makes ahead and freezes and brings in a cooler. Some things we can’t change.
I bring homemade muffins and breads. I also make French toast casserole or strata the night before and pop it in the oven for the “real breakfast” after the early beach goers return. Assembling the breakfast recipe with my MIL “helping” is what I swap for light night wine drinking.

What makes you think op should do what you do? Are you implying they are in the wrong because they aren't early risers? You're going to be this mil.

My point is that prior to my husband and I having kids, the first grandkids, our beach vacation was almost identical to what OP described. However over time, we’ve worked with my in-laws to adjust to a different schedule that still checks the boxes that makes my in-laws feel like it’s also the vacation THEY want. It’s about actually trying to understand why certain aspects of “The Schedule” are important to the grandparents and finding ways to meet the same need. They want to be on the beach early - so they go with the kids. They want to eat a big breakfast- I’ve found ways to make that happen efficiently so it doesn’t take hours of prep and clean up. They want to take a cooler to the beach - fine, we’ll do snacks / happy hour. If OP could tap into what her in-laws find important and take the time to care, maybe she’d find a creative way for everyone to be happy. In my husband’s family, the wife of the family with the youngest baby has final veto on bedroom arrangements and the schedule and that’s no longer me - and that’s fine with me. My kids are old enough to be flexible. Hopefully when I am a MIL, I will have the sense my MIL has to defer to the parents’ judgement on schedule and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to have to commit this post to memory and channel it often when I'm the grandparent. Your IL's vacation schedule is what we do 100%. Down to the sandy sandwiches and sitting around chatting every night. I think it drives my sister's husband crazy because he's not a beach guy and probably craves more to do. My parents and my nuclear family love it. Hopefully I have some awareness someday!
Personally I think it's perfectly fine to skip some but not all of the big things- beach, happy hour or after dinner chatting. But it sounds like you'd prefer to skip all 3 and I think you have to suck it up and do 2. Or introduce Uno or some game after dinner, but call it quits early and skip the chatting. Also, just order dinner. They'll enjoy it more to be taken out of the decision making and knowing the cost. Order too much, plate it nicely and avoid all the friction.

Oh goodness…sandy sandwiches on the beach, baking and drying out all day until you look like leather? Sounds awful. Team BIL! Really hope you keep your word and don’t turn into this MIL.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries are your friend and the first step is your own rental. Then you set your own agenda and offer them times when you will see them and carve out lots of time just for your nuclear family. Like any toddler they may tantrum at these new boundaries, but over time they will either accept it or not. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

"we always have a good time"

followed by paragraphs and paragraphs of the not good time

I don't know how blunt you've been with them already. Yes, of course they should pick up on the cues you're giving. But have you been very direct? "Susan, we won't be getting up before 8am and the commentary about when we wake up is making the trip not fun for us." "Susan, we don't want to cook a big breakfast. That isn't the kind of food we like to eat." That would factor into my advice.

OP here. We have been very direct, but we haven't added "the commentary is making the trip not fun for us." I can see that we're at a make-or-break point this year where we really might have to spell it out for them, because the kids are starting to pick up on the commentary, and DH has pretty much had it. Thank you for your responses, all.

Please say more on "DH has pretty much had it." His parents, yet we are not getting much on his perspective. My DH is fairly straightforward with his parents, so they expect it. That said, they tend to be more flexible than your ILs.

If me, I would organize a day around them even if you do not tell them explicitly. Get up early and watch the sun rise. Have your beach stuff all ready the night before so you can get down to the beach before they do. Figure out what you can make with the substandard cookery and whip it up for dinner. Tell your kids it is going to be "G+G" day and just go gangbusters for it. Shower them with it, then roll out of bed that next morning at 8 for coffee for your "us" day.

Yeah, this won't work with people like the ILs. They'll wonder why it's not happening every single day. There is also an implication OP can only vacation how she wants guilt-free once she's given in and done it entirely their way for a day. That doesn't really solve anything. Adults should spend and manage their time how they'd like on vacation.

That's not possible, though. The grandparents want to spend every minute with the family. That's an adult spending their vacation the way they like. OP's family finds that suffocating and wants some distance. That's also adults spending vacation the way they like. Reality there needs to be give and take. OP gives some--maybe having dinner together every night or whatever, grandparents give a little--understand no one else wants to eat on the beach and spend the entire day there including the hot afternoon.Being an adult means sometimes you get to do what you like, and sometimes you'll have to compromise for various reasons. which is a great thing to teach the next generation. You don't ALWAYS get to spend every minute exactly how you like, even on vacation.

Surely you can see that these aren't the same things, right? One imposes on other people, one doesn't. Fundamentally different. Good God.

[Anonymous]

Next time rent a smaller place for just your nuclear family. The fact that you 1) chose a place right next door and 2) are sharing it with DH's uncle and your sister makes it look like an extension of the family beach house at which the various members of the families are welcome to pop in and out at any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sister in Oregon that can rarely make this trip is the secret genius.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP I’m chiming in late to this. My DH doesn’t have that much vacation time and neither do the kids with sports and all. This sounds like way too much direction and really not fun. Try skipping a year and see how you feel. Kids grow up fast and your time together is very valuable and much shorter than you think. Signed I’m older.

[Anonymous]

1 - only go the years SIL/cousins go - talk to SIL in advance and tell her this is your plan so please commit early. You can tell the ILs that now that your kids are getting older, they have other interests you want to explore, or they are old enough to do bigger trips on off years that you have been wanting to do, or whatever.

2- Tell them before the trip, and again when you get there that IT IS THE COMMENTARY is ruining it for you. It sounds like you have been clear about your plans but maybe not clear enough that their complaining every day is ruining the trip for you. And then the first morning if they harp about missing the sunrise, remind them to STOP WHINING instead of just reminding them that you like to sleep in. I agree with PPs that maybe they just have a running commentary and don’t realize how annoying it is.

My FIL is like this with prices. Anytime we go anywhere he can’t help complaining about how everything I buy is so expensive. It took me a while to understand that he isn’t criticizing me, he just cannot help but say all the thoughts that are in his head without regard for how they make other people feel. He is retired and his favorite hobby is shopping for bargains, so the few times a year we end up in a grocery store together, he basically the narrates the entire trip about how I could save money doing XYZ. I just nod and say ‘good tip, next time!’

3 - Put your schedule in writing! On a white board, paper taped to the fridge, whatever!

It sounds like there want more together-ness generally, so maybe some ways to make that happen:

4- See if they would like to join you for any of your activities. If you tell them in advance that you are planning a morning of mini-golf, a trip to the aquarium, a morning of shopping, and two mornings at playgrounds, maybe one of those activities would interest them? I am not a beach person and I cannot imagine spending all day there, maybe they could be convinced to give up one morning.

5- Would they be up for cocktail hour on the beach some days? See if you can convince them that snacks and booze taste even better while you watch the kids play in the sand. You keep mentioning and the ILs drink more than you, but it doesn’t sound like they are pressuring you to have booze, just hang out after several hours apart? Could you make an evening of it with Shirley temples for the kids and sparkling water or whatever festive non-alcoholic drink for yourself? Pick a day and put it on the schedule! Or if there’s a day that is going to be super hot or rainy, cut short your afternoon beach time and join them for happy hour at the house.

6- Offer to wake up early ONE morning for the sunrise and early beach morning. If it’s something they really enjoy, maybe it would mean a lot to them to share that memory with your kids. You would have to be clear that it is a ONE DAY experience - write it onto the schedule!! My late sleeping kid loves a beach sunrise so he actually drags himself out of bed on a night or two on vacation to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My patents in law have passed on now but l enjoyed vacations at their beach house. Everyone got to do what they wanted, except we had dinner together. They were such sweet people.

Not sure why I’m writing this. Not to brag, just feeling nostalgic.

I'm feeling better after reading all these threads. We have a beach house and adult kids (but no grandkids) and sometimes we do group activities and sometimes people are on their own. Of course we are working during the day, and most of our visitors are on vacation so that helps the dynamic. All we ask is that the kids/guests let us know if they will be having dinner at home. Not to say it's all roses - my mother comes and is definitely the commenter type, and of course also thinks we spend too much money. But I've learned to try to ignore it.

Other than the kids, we have learned that 3 days is the right length of time for guests. After 3 days I need time to decompress, restore some calm in the house, and get off the meal prep/dishwashing treadmill. So that might argue for shorter trips OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sister in Oregon that can rarely make this trip is the secret genius.

+1

I’m going to bet the reason they don’t do this to your SIL is because they know she will just not come. You guys are a sure bet. The SIL and her family are not. So if the ILs tick her off too much then they will never get her family instead of only getting them some of the time. SIL has taught her parents to treat her and her family better by not giving into all this nonsense.

I have a BIL who has mastered this, so I am well familiar. I am also familiar with being the family who gets trampled all over because my spouse is desperate for the affection of his parents. His brother holds them at arm’s length and they trip over themselves to get any scrap of attention he is willing to give. With us? Nope. We get all their complaints, poor behavior, imposing their will on us, etc. At least the family vacations have stopped because my husband doesn’t have enough annual leave to go. Small favors there.

[Anonymous]

We don’t have a beach house and not sure that part matters anyway.

The bottom line is you all are together and you are annoyed by behavior. To avoid my own family drama, I’m leaving the country for an upcoming trip and could not be happier at the thought of that.

[Anonymous]

I just have to tell you, OP, that your post made me laugh and laugh and laugh. We did a beach trip with my MIL + SIL’s family and so much of what you describe is bringing up memories of why we won’t do that again. It’s just too much. Also, my SIL did the thing lots are suggesting and only came for 4 of the 7 days and so my family had to listen to all of the commentary about SIL’s family not being there yet or having already left.

Thanks to the PP who posted their must-do, hard no, and let go idea. Love that and will apply to upcoming trip. Also thanks to PP who said mom of youngest baby gets to dictate sleeping arrangements. Great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to have to commit this post to memory and channel it often when I'm the grandparent. Your IL's vacation schedule is what we do 100%. Down to the sandy sandwiches and sitting around chatting every night. I think it drives my sister's husband crazy because he's not a beach guy and probably craves more to do. My parents and my nuclear family love it. Hopefully I have some awareness someday!
Personally I think it's perfectly fine to skip some but not all of the big things- beach, happy hour or after dinner chatting. But it sounds like you'd prefer to skip all 3 and I think you have to suck it up and do 2. Or introduce Uno or some game after dinner, but call it quits early and skip the chatting. Also, just order dinner. They'll enjoy it more to be taken out of the decision making and knowing the cost. Order too much, plate it nicely and avoid all the friction.

We do the beach, every day--we go out for a bit in the morning with them even though we prefer not to go in the morning. We also go back out in the afternoon. By now, they not only know when we like to go to the beach in the afternoon, they actively choose to pack up and come inside when they know full well that's when we'll be coming out. We go to the beach twice a day, one of their preferred times and once when they choose not to. And we have breakfast with them. And we have dinner with them each and every night. We sometimes have happy hour with them but not always, as DH and I are not big drinkers like they are and we don't hold Cocktail Hour as some sacrosanct time of day. And I suck it up and chat for two nights even though I'd rather relax and then go to bed; DH usually stays up a bit every night just because he doesn't want to hear the complaining otherwise. There's plenty of us sucking it up. I don't understand where you're getting your impression that we don't do our fair share of doing things "their way."

Hopefully you will have awareness someday.

-OP

Why isn't your DH handling this more actively if he's "just about had it" with this vacation? My spouse and I recognize that we are not perfect and that our respective in-laws are not perfect, but when there's an issue with my parents, I handle it (90% of the time) and vice-versa. Your spouse is better equipped to either set a tone with his parents for a dynamic that makes your happier or at the very least to tell them to stop whining and being negative about things that are not problematic (ex: your different schedules).

[Anonymous]

They sound EXHAUSTING. I’d be going somewhere else as a nuclear family at least every other year. They’ll whine. Let them. Ignore them like you would a whining toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound insufferable and incredibly picky. Just do what the grandparents want for a week or tell them you hate spending time with them and don't go.

Nope. You are impressively wrong.

(not OP)