How can we better navigate this beach house dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Part of what you are describing commentary-wise sounds like the habitual script of aging folks who are basically narrating their day and have NO IDEA about the way that it affects you, your family, and your experience.

In alignment with the "very direct" comment, I'd suggest that you write down 1) your planned daily beach schedule and 2) your plan for the dinner you host and 3) whatever else you want to be off limits commentary-wise. Share it with your inlaws ahead of time. Make it clear to them that this is your plan and that if they cannot be happy joining you at the beach while you vacation in a way that works for your family, you won't be able to do the trip anymore. The purpose of writing it down is so that you can all reference a shared understanding of your preferences. "Mom, as we told you, we're not going to do the beach in the morning." Otherwise, they will lapse back into their habits and potentially not even realize they are doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

"we always have a good time"

followed by paragraphs and paragraphs of the not good time

I don't know how blunt you've been with them already. Yes, of course they should pick up on the cues you're giving. But have you been very direct? "Susan, we won't be getting up before 8am and the commentary about when we wake up is making the trip not fun for us." "Susan, we don't want to cook a big breakfast. That isn't the kind of food we like to eat." That would factor into my advice.

OP here. We have been very direct, but we haven't added "the commentary is making the trip not fun for us." I can see that we're at a make-or-break point this year where we really might have to spell it out for them, because the kids are starting to pick up on the commentary, and DH has pretty much had it. Thank you for your responses, all.

Please say more on "DH has pretty much had it." His parents, yet we are not getting much on his perspective. My DH is fairly straightforward with his parents, so they expect it. That said, they tend to be more flexible than your ILs.

If me, I would organize a day around them even if you do not tell them explicitly. Get up early and watch the sun rise. Have your beach stuff all ready the night before so you can get down to the beach before they do. Figure out what you can make with the substandard cookery and whip it up for dinner. Tell your kids it is going to be "G+G" day and just go gangbusters for it. Shower them with it, then roll out of bed that next morning at 8 for coffee for your "us" day.

Well, like the morning coffee thing: "Mom, you know we get up for work and school every day, so on vacation we sleep in. Same as always. We don't want to be up at sunrise." You would think someone saying this once or twice would get through to them.

And he'll say aobut the big breakfast thing: "Dad, we've told you time and again you can eat whenever you are ready, and you don't need to wait for us to get up. We'll get our own cereal and clean up, we don't need a big breakfast."

The lunch-packed thing is something I always very deliberately address even before it happens: "Nancy, please do not pack sandwiches for us--we are not going to eat on the beach. At about 11, we are going to come back in, rinse off, eat lunch and rest for a while to get a break from the sun." Again, you'd think she would listen. DH doesn't even touch that one, he's just like let her pack a million sandwiches, that's not our fault.

[Anonymous]

It’s time for your husband to have a blunt conversation with his parents. Lay out exactly what you expect from the vacation. We also do a family beach vacation every year cause my family lives out of state. It’s important to me too. I think it’s unrealistic to expect every meal to be eaten together. That’s the first thing I would change. I totally get the evenings chit chat. I put an end to that quick by saying “this year we won’t be hanging out in the common areas after 8pm. We just wanted you to know before our trip cause we don’t want any hurt feelings.” Lastly, your husband needs to discuss expectations BEFORE the trip. If it’s done while on vacation they might take offense that it’s something they did/didn’t do. I eventually told my family that family vacations are getting too stressful for me and if something doesn’t change, we’ll have to go every other year or less often. They changed and we changed and now it’s gotten much better. We have family dinners and all other meals are separate. We do set up a continental breakfast and everyone grabs what they want/when they want it. We often sit together for breakfast but not a formal big breakfast your describing. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the cousin doing the whole time? Is he with the ILs or your family or is he just left alone? Is he close with you and your family?

Wondering if he could have some role in helping the ILs get on the clue bus that they're about one minute away from making sure you don't do this vacation anymore.

OP here. You know, this is interesting: MIL and FIL will not go after the cousin *or* my SIL and her family--they walk on eggshells around SIL, generally speaking. I'm like, how can I get them to fear me, too? LOL, I'm kind of kidding...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of what you are describing commentary-wise sounds like the habitual script of aging folks who are basically narrating their day and have NO IDEA about the way that it affects you, your family, and your experience.

In alignment with the "very direct" comment, I'd suggest that you write down 1) your planned daily beach schedule and 2) your plan for the dinner you host and 3) whatever else you want to be off limits commentary-wise. Share it with your inlaws ahead of time. Make it clear to them that this is your plan and that if they cannot be happy joining you at the beach while you vacation in a way that works for your family, you won't be able to do the trip anymore. The purpose of writing it down is so that you can all reference a shared understanding of your preferences. "Mom, as we told you, we're not going to do the beach in the morning." Otherwise, they will lapse back into their habits and potentially not even realize they are doing it.

Writing down what we're doing when is a good idea. If only to have it in black and white, highlighted, WE WILL NOT BE EATING LUNCH ON THE BEACH. This is actually a really good idea. Thank you! -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

"we always have a good time"

followed by paragraphs and paragraphs of the not good time

I don't know how blunt you've been with them already. Yes, of course they should pick up on the cues you're giving. But have you been very direct? "Susan, we won't be getting up before 8am and the commentary about when we wake up is making the trip not fun for us." "Susan, we don't want to cook a big breakfast. That isn't the kind of food we like to eat." That would factor into my advice.

OP here. We have been very direct, but we haven't added "the commentary is making the trip not fun for us." I can see that we're at a make-or-break point this year where we really might have to spell it out for them, because the kids are starting to pick up on the commentary, and DH has pretty much had it. Thank you for your responses, all.

Please say more on "DH has pretty much had it." His parents, yet we are not getting much on his perspective. My DH is fairly straightforward with his parents, so they expect it. That said, they tend to be more flexible than your ILs.

If me, I would organize a day around them even if you do not tell them explicitly. Get up early and watch the sun rise. Have your beach stuff all ready the night before so you can get down to the beach before they do. Figure out what you can make with the substandard cookery and whip it up for dinner. Tell your kids it is going to be "G+G" day and just go gangbusters for it. Shower them with it, then roll out of bed that next morning at 8 for coffee for your "us" day.

Yeah, this won't work with people like the ILs. They'll wonder why it's not happening every single day. There is also an implication OP can only vacation how she wants guilt-free once she's given in and done it entirely their way for a day. That doesn't really solve anything. Adults should spend and manage their time how they'd like on vacation.

[Anonymous]

You wrote this:

DH has said this year will probably be the last.

So let this year be the last. Don’t do family vacations. Some of us love our family but going away with them would be expensive and not an actual vacation. If you want to travel with them, rent an Airbnb for a weekend and let that be it.

As your kids get older this will get more difficult. Parents get fussier and teens get difficult. Their schedules are very opposite. We still visit both of our sides but the trips need to be shorter. Those 8am mornings where you are all together will come to an end soon anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of what you are describing commentary-wise sounds like the habitual script of aging folks who are basically narrating their day and have NO IDEA about the way that it affects you, your family, and your experience.

In alignment with the "very direct" comment, I'd suggest that you write down 1) your planned daily beach schedule and 2) your plan for the dinner you host and 3) whatever else you want to be off limits commentary-wise. Share it with your inlaws ahead of time. Make it clear to them that this is your plan and that if they cannot be happy joining you at the beach while you vacation in a way that works for your family, you won't be able to do the trip anymore. The purpose of writing it down is so that you can all reference a shared understanding of your preferences. "Mom, as we told you, we're not going to do the beach in the morning." Otherwise, they will lapse back into their habits and potentially not even realize they are doing it.

Yup. MIL isn't attacking you, she's just talking talking talking. She probably does it all day, every day at home. My SIL does this - silence is her worst enemy for some reason. I just mentally prepare myself for it and try not to let it get to me. If I really engage her in a deep conversation (I learned so much about my nephew's birth this year!) then it's not bothersome because it's not just chatter. But if you just ignore it they fill the air with more and you are more irritated and they're still oblivious.

I don't agree with people saying "just wake up and walk away for bagels" I think you should tell them the night before. "Don't wait breakfast on us, we're going to go to a bakery at 9:30."

[Anonymous]

Options:

1) Go for a weekend instead of a week and try to mostly play things their way (big breakfast at 9am, then beach but lunch break and pm beach time as you prefer, then evening socializing as they prefer)
2) Go and announce what your plans are and ignore any commentary
3) Go and duke it out over the commentary

Personally, I wouldn’t bother with 3. It will cause hurt feelings and they most likely can’t change

2 wouldn’t work for me bc the commentary would drive me up the wall, so I would opt for 1, but if you and DH agree to just announce clearly what your plans are and ignore any pushback, it could work. I would even print out a daily schedule (9am cereal, 10-2 outing in Local Town, lunch out, 2-6 beach time, 6-8, dinner and evening routine for the kids, 9 bedtime for adults where you and DH both excuse yourselves to your room). For dinner, I would buy a few frozen pot pies and say, “We are ordering from Million Dollar Crabs, what would you like?” “Oh the expense!” “Oh dear, I am so sorry you don’t want any crabs, but we bought these as a backup. Let me know if you would like to enjoy our generosity after all and we’ll order some crabs!”

[Anonymous]

How old are you kids? My elementary age kids are up at 6:30-7am, especially with the light streaming in the crappy curtains at most beach rentals.

My kids get up and eat a quick bite and then go down to the beach to fly kites while my in-laws watch them. Then they all come back and we have the “proper” breakfast which is more like brunch.
We plan activities every other day - nature center, cape May zoo, mini golf, etc. That gets us out for the day. We typically spend the most time one the beach in the later afternoon - and MIL gets to do her cooler thing for snacks and cocktail hour.
There is still the expectation that we all sit around and chat for hours every night - but I have worked my way out of that. When I was pregnant, I “needed rest” and then I was “putting down the baby” or “staying close in case the toddler wakes up scared in a strange place”. Now I’ve trained them them I will always go to bed early.

We have a similar vacation vibe with a similar group, we’ve just managed to shift the timeline. We do still have to eat lasagna my MIL makes ahead and freezes and brings in a cooler. Some things we can’t change.
I bring homemade muffins and breads. I also make French toast casserole or strata the night before and pop it in the oven for the “real breakfast” after the early beach goers return. Assembling the breakfast recipe with my MIL “helping” is what I swap for light night wine drinking.

[Anonymous]

You need to have your husband have a firm talk with them before you all go that this year your family would prefer to have everyone be on their own for breakfast except for perhaps one special day. It’s too stressful for everyone otherwise.

[Anonymous]

i had a similar situation. what I did was work remotely the week with my MIL and book the next week at the same town in a smaller house w/ just my family so the first week i didn't feel pressure that my vacation was being ruined and just treated the first week as though i was visiting in someone elses house

That caused some issues - I had to work in a closet because my phone calls were not relaxing to others in the house but overall it worked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of what you are describing commentary-wise sounds like the habitual script of aging folks who are basically narrating their day and have NO IDEA about the way that it affects you, your family, and your experience.

In alignment with the "very direct" comment, I'd suggest that you write down 1) your planned daily beach schedule and 2) your plan for the dinner you host and 3) whatever else you want to be off limits commentary-wise. Share it with your inlaws ahead of time. Make it clear to them that this is your plan and that if they cannot be happy joining you at the beach while you vacation in a way that works for your family, you won't be able to do the trip anymore. The purpose of writing it down is so that you can all reference a shared understanding of your preferences. "Mom, as we told you, we're not going to do the beach in the morning." Otherwise, they will lapse back into their habits and potentially not even realize they are doing it.

Yup. MIL isn't attacking you, she's just talking talking talking. She probably does it all day, every day at home. My SIL does this - silence is her worst enemy for some reason. I just mentally prepare myself for it and try not to let it get to me. If I really engage her in a deep conversation (I learned so much about my nephew's birth this year!) then it's not bothersome because it's not just chatter. But if you just ignore it they fill the air with more and you are more irritated and they're still oblivious.

I don't agree with people saying "just wake up and walk away for bagels" I think you should tell them the night before. "Don't wait breakfast on us, we're going to go to a bakery at 9:30."

OP said they are telling ILs directly don't wait on us, etc and it doesn't work. They continue with their big breakfast. So the suggestion (I made it) was physically leave. But sure, you definitely tell them what you are doing. Didn't mean to imply just disappearing. Tomorrow morning, we're going to get breakfast at a bakery in town. We're happy to bring something back for you.

[Anonymous]

Looks like you’ve all outgrown this particular type of vacation. It’s unlikely your in-laws will change. It’s up to your family to decide what you want to do in future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd stop going. QUALITY time is what's important for the kids with grandparents. Not time with them fussing and nagging and hand-wringing.

+1

We stopped this BS when MIL's favoritism carried over to the day trips, and my kids were the only ones left out, after schlepping all that way. Yeah, no.