How can we better navigate this beach house dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand these posts. Why would you spend a week of your vacation time and budget, which I assume is limited if you are working adults, doing this? You don't mention one positive thing. The whole thing sounds pretty awful.

Stop doing it.

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you and DH have done a good job of addressing things in the moment, it just isn't sinking in. If these trips are to continue your DH needs to have a conversation with his parents - ahead of time - telling them that the schedule differences are making the trip not fun or relaxing and going forward, you'll commit to doing family dinners together but otherwise want to be on your own for meals and set your own pace. If that doesn't work I'd stop going, or rent a separate condo nearby and you can meet up for a few activities or meals together.

If you were guests in their home I'd say "when in Rome" but that's not the case here.

[Anonymous]

My older family members do the same things, just on different topics. It's comical at this point, and I laugh with my female cousins about how we can predict nearly word-for-word what my mother and aunt will be saying on the annual beach trip. Honestly, that's the best way we've found to manage the annoyance of it! We too have tried to say, "we are going to leave at xyz time" and 30-60 mins prior to that time, they're hovering and huffing around wondering when we'll be ready. We have the opposite problem for meals - "how can you eat so early in the morning?! I'm still full from dinner last night!" Well, Mom, a lot of people do eat breakfast and no one is asking you to eat something if you're not hungry.

And so on....

[Anonymous]

I would only go the year's that sister's family can also join you. So ask her to commit, and if she doesn't, PLAN SOMETHING ELSE.

Then plan a shorter beach weekend in 2 different condos with your in-laws.

You can not change the passive aggressive comments. And by now, I would be snapping at them anytime I heard it.

We do a big family beach trip, but one advantage of having lots of people is that no one can keep track of your time that well. Everyone does their own thing, and we meet up for dinner at the house around 6:30pm.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this sounds like normal family stuff. Maybe not ideal, and very frustrating but if you have decided you are going to do this trip, you will just kind of have some of this. We have much of the same with our families. Our parents are in their 70s and set in their ways. We have had some really unpleasant trips but have worked to make it better. My husband and I deal with it by having a sit-down "couple meeting" prior to leaving and laying out the following:

* Must-dos for the whole family, kids, and each adult for the trip (one issue with us is my parents are slooooow to get moving and it makes it so we miss opportunities for activities), so we define it ahead of time and I will have a frank conversation: "Mom, we need to do X for Larla. It's our priority for her for this trip. We would like to do it on this day and if you are up for it, we would love you to join - does that work for you? Is another day better?" For the adult must-dos, mine for a recent beach trip was taking our dog solo to the beach at night. I got to do that. DH wanted to sleep in two days. I don't really sleep well on vacation so he got to do it almost every day.

* Hard nos - Example is that his mom can get very negative about certain people we know when she drinks. It is a hard no that my kids not be around it.

* Let it gos - We know the patterns we fall in. The seafood thing resonated with me - my parents don't want to cook and then are aghast at the price of the seafood we are paying for. I am not going to change that dynamic so I take a deep breath and look at the ocean and let it go. We will spend some time just the two of us kind of commiserating. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Go every other year. Arrive a day late and leave a day early. Send the kids by themselves if you feel it’s safe.

[Anonymous]

They cannot live and let live. so I won't be staying under the same roof as them anymore.

All the aggravation does not a relaxing vacation make. Also, your kids are noticing it. They should not think that bullying people into submission to their way is acceptable.

Next year, plan your own summer vacation. or change up and rent separate beach condos and agree to meet up once a day.

[Anonymous]

OMG this would be completely a no for me. "We are renting our own vacation house this year in X state to switch things up a bit." I could not tolerate this kind of rigid vacation life.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a miserable vacation, and I would be miserable, and I woud show it and probably snap at someone. (that's probably what the SIL would do!)

Op I think you just need more confidence in doing what you do. Stop trying to be polite and don't explain what you're doing.

If this is a trip your kids get a lot out of then I'd continue, but make it much shorter (like 3 days). Or get your own place.

[Anonymous]

Try every other year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you suggest some alternatives, that still sort of align to what they want to do?

For example, my favorite time to be at the beach is 5-8. It empties out. Its not hot. The light is beautiful. How about a later dinner, and cocktail hour at the beach from 6-8 and dinner at 8:30?

Or, instead of just chatting after dinner, bring a board game? Or one of those escape room in a box? Or even something as silly as charades or Pictionary? I agree that just chatting for 2 hours gets to be a bit much after a day or two, but I understand that the in laws want to spend time together too

This is a good suggestion.

It's best to assume good intent from the in-laws. They aren't trying to control you, or ruin your vacation. They see the purpose of the trip as family time and want to maximize family time together. That's good intent.

So the trick is to find a way to maximize family time in such a way that everyone enjoys, not just them. Because, tbh, if you're not interested in spending time with them, then you should probably cancel the trip

[Anonymous]

You're better than I, my time on this trip would have ended years ago.

I kinda get it when the parents pay, but when you're paying your fair share, no way.

I would just agree with your husband on ending the trip, maybe he is looking for some reassurance with that.

[Anonymous]

Get your own place so there is some separation. Set expectations upfront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to have to commit this post to memory and channel it often when I'm the grandparent. Your IL's vacation schedule is what we do 100%. Down to the sandy sandwiches and sitting around chatting every night. I think it drives my sister's husband crazy because he's not a beach guy and probably craves more to do. My parents and my nuclear family love it. Hopefully I have some awareness someday!
Personally I think it's perfectly fine to skip some but not all of the big things- beach, happy hour or after dinner chatting. But it sounds like you'd prefer to skip all 3 and I think you have to suck it up and do 2. Or introduce Uno or some game after dinner, but call it quits early and skip the chatting. Also, just order dinner. They'll enjoy it more to be taken out of the decision making and knowing the cost. Order too much, plate it nicely and avoid all the friction.

So on a vacation OP is paying for, and one she goes on every year, she has to do two things every single day that her family doesn't like to do?

I hope some of that awareness hits you soon, because that's freakin' ridiculous. My sympathies to your brother-in-law.

[Anonymous]

The sister in Oregon that can rarely make this trip is the secret genius.