How can we better navigate this beach house dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Wow this sounds so familiar. We just got back from a beach trip w/ rigid family members. They are set in their ways and they assume that everyone else likes to follow the same schedule of activities/eating that they do. It's so aggravating when we try to tell them how we would prefer to do things and try to compromise and they are so rigid that they can't come to a happy medium w/ us.

It sounds like you've already explained things to them pretty well/in a pretty direct way so I think unfortunately they are not likely to change at this point and therefore you should stop doing this trip w/ them.

You could give it one last shot by being very frank w/ them that you do not enjoy this vacation as much anymore because they always expect you to do things their way and don't listen and respect that you have different preferences than they do. I don't think I would be able to be that frank w/ my in-laws or parents so I understand if you aren't able to either. But I think that's your only shot of anything changing/still being able to do the trip in the future and make it somewhat fun for your family.

I think you have to be very honest w/ them well before the trip talk to them about each instance that always comes up year after year and how/why you want it to change: "Every year when we go on this trip you always comment about how we slept too late/missed sunrise, etc. That commentary makes us feel badly. We like to sleep in on vacation. Please don't comment on how late we've slept or that we've missed anything by sleeping in anymore." and "You always expect us to go to the beach with you in the morning even though we've told you many times that we would prefer to do other activities in the mornings. We do not enjoy going to the beach in the morning. Please stop expecting us to go early and please don't comment on it anymore. We would be glad to help you set up your things on the beach in the morning but we do not want to stay out there every morning. We prefer to go in the late afternoon." and "please stop packing food for us to eat lunch on the beach. We do not want to eat lunch on the beach and when you pack food for us that we didn't ask for and then make comments about wasted food, it makes us feel badly." etc etc about each and every issue.

See to me all that honesty would be too much. I don't think I could do it. I'd be too afraid of hurting feelings and damaging relationships. So I think I'd just stop going on this trip. But I think if you are willing to have an honest conversation like that, that's your only chance of anything changing. No guarantee it would change even w/ that or it's possible if you had a conversation like that THEY wouldn't even want to go on the trip with YOU anymore because their feelings would be hurt. But if you think they might actually listen to feedback like that, give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to have to commit this post to memory and channel it often when I'm the grandparent. Your IL's vacation schedule is what we do 100%. Down to the sandy sandwiches and sitting around chatting every night. I think it drives my sister's husband crazy because he's not a beach guy and probably craves more to do. My parents and my nuclear family love it. Hopefully I have some awareness someday!
Personally I think it's perfectly fine to skip some but not all of the big things- beach, happy hour or after dinner chatting. But it sounds like you'd prefer to skip all 3 and I think you have to suck it up and do 2. Or introduce Uno or some game after dinner, but call it quits early and skip the chatting. Also, just order dinner. They'll enjoy it more to be taken out of the decision making and knowing the cost. Order too much, plate it nicely and avoid all the friction.

So on a vacation OP is paying for, and one she goes on every year, she has to do two things every single day that her family doesn't like to do?

I hope some of that awareness hits you soon, because that's freakin' ridiculous. My sympathies to your brother-in-law.

1,000% TEAM BIL, and I hope (but doubt) that PP gains some type of general awareness from this thread. Not only from the original post, but from the replies which are squarely Team OP and trying to help her make the best of a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

OP I haven’t read all of the replies. Here are a couple of suggestions/thoughts:

1. Have DH talk to his parents again the week before you go about your family’s schedule to reiterate what it will be.
2. Most beaches have services where you can rent tents or tents and chairs. Some offer things like coolers with ice already in them (mil can store her sandwiches and adult beverages). The advantage is the company sets it up around 7 am and stakes out your spot. Invest in this next year for your sanity. Or go down and setup the tent while they are making their 4 course breakfast. I’m guessing part of the complaining is they want you and DH to setup the tent because they aren’t physically able.
3. Give in on the breakfast. Use that time to get the kids ready for the day, sunscreen, etc.
4. If you do #1 go to the park after breakfast and meet them at the beach later.
5. Suggest in-laws bring their happy hour to the beach. If you have a nice big tent there should be plenty of shade.
6. On your night to do dinner, order family style catering from a seafood place (platters or shrimp boil), bbq or Italian. Stop taking individual orders. Just say we are having X on our night.
7. Pick one day to do some other group activity like mini golf since it sounds like you don’t want to do so much beach time.
8. Relax a bit. Just keep reiterating or better yet have DH keep reiterating your schedule. Don’t get worked up over their reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you kids? My elementary age kids are up at 6:30-7am, especially with the light streaming in the crappy curtains at most beach rentals.

My kids get up and eat a quick bite and then go down to the beach to fly kites while my in-laws watch them. Then they all come back and we have the “proper” breakfast which is more like brunch.
We plan activities every other day - nature center, cape May zoo, mini golf, etc. That gets us out for the day. We typically spend the most time one the beach in the later afternoon - and MIL gets to do her cooler thing for snacks and cocktail hour.
There is still the expectation that we all sit around and chat for hours every night - but I have worked my way out of that. When I was pregnant, I “needed rest” and then I was “putting down the baby” or “staying close in case the toddler wakes up scared in a strange place”. Now I’ve trained them them I will always go to bed early.

We have a similar vacation vibe with a similar group, we’ve just managed to shift the timeline. We do still have to eat lasagna my MIL makes ahead and freezes and brings in a cooler. Some things we can’t change.
I bring homemade muffins and breads. I also make French toast casserole or strata the night before and pop it in the oven for the “real breakfast” after the early beach goers return. Assembling the breakfast recipe with my MIL “helping” is what I swap for light night wine drinking.

What makes you think op should do what you do? Are you implying they are in the wrong because they aren't early risers? You're going to be this mil.

[Anonymous]

If you have the time, I would do 2 days to visit with them, and the. At some other point in the summer do your own vacation.

If they go Sat-Sat, can you go on Thursday, spend Thursday-Sat with them (staying in a hotel or your own condo) so you see them, but don’t spend all of your vacation in a manner you don’t want, then do your own thing another week?
That would be my solution.

[Anonymous]

Wow this is making my vacation woes seem tolerable. Mine is that when we go on group vacations with my parents they insist on eating at a restaurant every single night, which usually takes forever (they insist on both appetizers and desserts in addition to the meal) and we have youngish kids who get tired. Also I would sooooooo much rather make a quick something for myself, grab a pizza, burger whatever and sit on the porch and read a book in the evening. Diffeeent strokes. Can’t really complain tho because my parents pay for the vacays. So, it’s either take it or leave it, and this is the biggest complaint so really I have it pretty good.

[Anonymous]

You sound insufferable and incredibly picky. Just do what the grandparents want for a week or tell them you hate spending time with them and don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound insufferable and incredibly picky. Just do what the grandparents want for a week or tell them you hate spending time with them and don't go.

So do the grandparents!

And no, do not "just do what the grandparents want for a week" that's ridiculous. It would be one thing if the grandparents were paying for OP's family. But they're not. So not only do OP and her husband sacrifice their vacation time off to go on a trip that the grandparents enjoy and OP and her husband don't, but they have to pay for it too! No way would I do that.

[Anonymous]

This sounds terrible. You guys just don’t do the beach in the same way. You would probably have more fun with another family who you are friends with that have kids similar age as yours. Maybe if you did a larger trip with cousins or friends these grandparents could join… and be drowned out a bit by the other company… if not I’d take a year or 2 off unless they’re paying and you want to endure it for that reason

[Anonymous]

My patents in law have passed on now but l enjoyed vacations at their beach house. Everyone got to do what they wanted, except we had dinner together. They were such sweet people.

Not sure why I’m writing this. Not to brag, just feeling nostalgic.

[Anonymous]

Definitely stop pulling menus out for your night. Just order for everyone as the options clearly stress them out.

On the other, is your DH a little too passive trying to just make it through? If so, he needs to be a bit more vocal. If they give you grief about calling it a night early (the introvert in me relates), then he needs to stick up for you and tell you to cut it out.

Turn their issues into a bingo card and play with your husband. The humor could help you take it less personally. They still pack lunches at the beach? Bingo! That’s a square right there.

It does sound like there are parts of this trip that are enjoyable to you. I would spend time with DH talking about what the week would need to feel like to make it really great. Then just make that happen - at least you will have tried vs just giving up and not going anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound insufferable and incredibly picky. Just do what the grandparents want for a week or tell them you hate spending time with them and don't go.

Look! It's MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound insufferable and incredibly picky. Just do what the grandparents want for a week or tell them you hate spending time with them and don't go.

Look! It's MIL.

Hi, MIL! We hate spending time with you, and we’re not going anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

"we always have a good time"

followed by paragraphs and paragraphs of the not good time

I don't know how blunt you've been with them already. Yes, of course they should pick up on the cues you're giving. But have you been very direct? "Susan, we won't be getting up before 8am and the commentary about when we wake up is making the trip not fun for us." "Susan, we don't want to cook a big breakfast. That isn't the kind of food we like to eat." That would factor into my advice.

OP here. We have been very direct, but we haven't added "the commentary is making the trip not fun for us." I can see that we're at a make-or-break point this year where we really might have to spell it out for them, because the kids are starting to pick up on the commentary, and DH has pretty much had it. Thank you for your responses, all.

Please say more on "DH has pretty much had it." His parents, yet we are not getting much on his perspective. My DH is fairly straightforward with his parents, so they expect it. That said, they tend to be more flexible than your ILs.

If me, I would organize a day around them even if you do not tell them explicitly. Get up early and watch the sun rise. Have your beach stuff all ready the night before so you can get down to the beach before they do. Figure out what you can make with the substandard cookery and whip it up for dinner. Tell your kids it is going to be "G+G" day and just go gangbusters for it. Shower them with it, then roll out of bed that next morning at 8 for coffee for your "us" day.

Yeah, this won't work with people like the ILs. They'll wonder why it's not happening every single day. There is also an implication OP can only vacation how she wants guilt-free once she's given in and done it entirely their way for a day. That doesn't really solve anything. Adults should spend and manage their time how they'd like on vacation.

That's not possible, though. The grandparents want to spend every minute with the family. That's an adult spending their vacation the way they like. OP's family finds that suffocating and wants some distance. That's also adults spending vacation the way they like. Reality there needs to be give and take. OP gives some--maybe having dinner together every night or whatever, grandparents give a little--understand no one else wants to eat on the beach and spend the entire day there including the hot afternoon.Being an adult means sometimes you get to do what you like, and sometimes you'll have to compromise for various reasons. which is a great thing to teach the next generation. You don't ALWAYS get to spend every minute exactly how you like, even on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound insufferable and incredibly picky. Just do what the grandparents want for a week or tell them you hate spending time with them and don't go.

OP is an adult with a family of her own. There is no need to martyr yourself and spend your limited earned vacation time on a trip that isn’t not enjoyable once you have reached adulthood.