How can we better navigate this beach house dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

[Anonymous]

Why do you keep going?

[Anonymous]

Stop going and rent a smaller home for your nuclear family. These kinds of threads pop up every summer.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But honestly most of this sounds like it could be fixed with a frank conversation or a change of perspective.

"Barbara, we've never once been up to see the sunrise in the 4 years we've been coming here. It's strange that you thought we would today." / "Sounds like it was beautiful this morning! Did you get any pictures?"

"We can help you set up on the beach if you want to go now, but I promised Larlo we'd go to the park/aquarium/shopping today. We'll get lunch in town, and then go to the beach later ourselves. Do you still need all these sandwiches for just you two?"

"I'm going to turn in early tonight - nothing like the sound of the ocean to get that good vacation sleep! See you guys tomorrow."

"This is so extravagant [nom nom nom]!" / "You're welcome Barb!"

[Anonymous]

Seeing you and your family is probably a big highlight of their year. They have probably dreamed of how the vacation will go and all of the things they want to experience with you. Could you cut back on time you visit and accommodate their hopes for 2 -3 days and then go do your thing with your family?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand these posts. Why would you spend a week of your vacation time and budget, which I assume is limited if you are working adults, doing this? You don't mention one positive thing. The whole thing sounds pretty awful.

Stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this would be a hard pass from me. There is no way I would spend a week of vacation time like this. I would either do something else next year or only join them for a short trip (like 3 days).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

"we always have a good time"

followed by paragraphs and paragraphs of the not good time

I don't know how blunt you've been with them already. Yes, of course they should pick up on the cues you're giving. But have you been very direct? "Susan, we won't be getting up before 8am and the commentary about when we wake up is making the trip not fun for us." "Susan, we don't want to cook a big breakfast. That isn't the kind of food we like to eat." That would factor into my advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep going?

OP here. I do value having my kids spend time with their grandparents, but my kids are now old enough that they are starting to pick up on some of this commentary and negativity. You are right, we might need to drop it. I like someone else's suggestion a few entries down to maybe do it "their way" but for 2 or 3 days max and then leaving for a real vacation!

Thank you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

"we always have a good time"

followed by paragraphs and paragraphs of the not good time

I don't know how blunt you've been with them already. Yes, of course they should pick up on the cues you're giving. But have you been very direct? "Susan, we won't be getting up before 8am and the commentary about when we wake up is making the trip not fun for us." "Susan, we don't want to cook a big breakfast. That isn't the kind of food we like to eat." That would factor into my advice.

OP here. We have been very direct, but we haven't added "the commentary is making the trip not fun for us." I can see that we're at a make-or-break point this year where we really might have to spell it out for them, because the kids are starting to pick up on the commentary, and DH has pretty much had it. Thank you for your responses, all.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is very rigid about stuff too. Likes to sleep in til 9-10 then takes over an hour to even get ready for breakfast. Spouse is not really a morning person but will be if needed. I’m a morning person and so is my kid so sometimes we’re almost ready for lunch jt the time she wants breakfast. What’s sad is I can tell my FIL would like to eat with me and the kid but then she gives him a guilt trip so he waits. I’m at the point though we here I just say what I want to do and they can join me or not. In your situation can you compromise on a big breakfast together on the first day, or last day? Then eat separately the other mornings? That might appease everyone as a compromise.

[Anonymous]

What is the cousin doing the whole time? Is he with the ILs or your family or is he just left alone? Is he close with you and your family?

Wondering if he could have some role in helping the ILs get on the clue bus that they're about one minute away from making sure you don't do this vacation anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is very rigid about stuff too. Likes to sleep in til 9-10 then takes over an hour to even get ready for breakfast. Spouse is not really a morning person but will be if needed. I’m a morning person and so is my kid so sometimes we’re almost ready for lunch jt the time she wants breakfast. What’s sad is I can tell my FIL would like to eat with me and the kid but then she gives him a guilt trip so he waits. I’m at the point though we here I just say what I want to do and they can join me or not. In your situation can you compromise on a big breakfast together on the first day, or last day? Then eat separately the other mornings? That might appease everyone as a compromise.

It sounds tricky if ILs are waiting for the OP's family to get up and then start cooking breakfast with an assumption that they will all eat together. OP, you'd have to do something like take your family out for breakfast. Just really change things up. This morning we're going to walk and grab coffee and bagels. See you later!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the long vent, but it's a vent-with-purpose. I am looking for approaches and strategies on how best to handle this madness, which is in a time-loop of the same stuff happening every year!

Every summer, my ILs rent the same beach house: we pay for our rooms. They invite DH/me/our kids; my DH's only cousin (who is in his late 20s); and DH's sister and her family, though they usually can't make it because they live in Oregon. (It gets pretty expensive on the years that not everyone else joins and pays, but we do it because we can and we don't want the cost burden to fall only on DH's parents.) It's a very nice place, we always have a good time, but my ILs have very rigid expectations of what everyone "should" be doing at all times, and it is contrary to how we like to vacation. We try to meet them in the middle a bit, but honestly our efforts and accommodations are never enough.

ILs are early risers: when DH and I show up for coffee on the porch around 7:30 or 8, it's exclamations over how we've "slept too late and missed the sunrise" and blah blah blah. And then when the kids naturally wake up and come out more like 8 or 8:30, it's "you've slept the day away and we've been waiting and waiting for breakfast." All this after we have told them, repeatedly, that we are happy to get our own breakfast or make breakfast for the kids and clean up whenever. ILs insist on making elaborate breakfasts every day--bacon, eggs, toast, cheese, fruit--bustling around and getting lots of dishes dirty. They usually cook and we clean, which is fine, but honestly we don't eat much of that kind of stuff (bacon and other breakfast meats are so heavy), and we'd rather just do cereal or only eggs and toast. So it's a full-on barrage of cooking and fussing and everyone needs to eat at the same time, even though we've told them time and again to eat whenever they want and we can fend for ourselves and clean up.

Then it's "We've already lost out on the best spots on the beach and we need to get down there RIGHT NOW and plant our umbrella and stake our claim!" DH and the kids and I would be perfectly content to only go out on the beach one time a day, ideally late afternoon--in the morning, we'd rather go to a park, go shopping, go on a walk, enjoy the house, enjoy the pool at the house. But ILs want to Be At The Beach Together and it's a whole thing, so we usually trudge down there. The next battle is MIL insists on packing food to eat lunch on the beach, and packs a full cooler of food no matter how many times we tell her we're coming back to the house for lunch. (And yes, we bring our own groceries.) This is the one time we really put our foot down--too long in the midday sun isn't good for anyone, and none of us want sandy sandwiches, thanks. So we take our kids back to the house to rinse off and have lunch and have some rest time out of the hottest sun, and no matter how many times we tell her not to pack lunch for us or expect us to eat on the beach, she is dismayed at all the "wasted food" and can't believe we are "wasting the day."

Then, inevitably, MIL and FIL are coming back to the house just when we're ready to go out and enjoy the beach at our favorite time of day to do so--late afternoon, around 3 or 4 p.m. "But we won't see you!" (You know when we prefer to be out and you can join us.) "But you'll miss COCKTAIL HOUR!" (DH and I don't drink as much as you do, and COCKTAIL HOUR is not some huge ritual to us.) We shrug and go out to the beach.

On other people's nights too cook, we arrive back and are showered and ready by the time we are told dinner will be served, and we clean up. These are usually the most pleasant, drama-free nights. On our nights to provide dinner, we prefer to order dinner in, because cooking in a beach house kitchen with centuries-old pots and pans and flimsy can openers is not our idea of vacation. We lay out menus the night before and say we'll order from anywhere, just let us know your order by 5 or so the next day. Oh the extravagance--no, no, that's too expensive, blah blah blah. An hour of protest over something we do every damn year. And then by the time it comes to order, everyone usually goes for crabs and seafood, which is great--but MIL will literally be complaining about the unnecessary expense and how dreadful it is to waste money when yo could just cook as she tucks into her third crab, which is set next to her market price crabcake. Why all the commentary and drama over something we do every year, and happily pay for?

After the kids are in bed, we are expected to sit in a circle in the living room and "chat," every single night. After about two nights of this, all topics are exhausted and I'd rather just watch Netflix or go to bed early. When I choose to do this, it's "What's wrong? Where's Sally?" and the next day it's "Did we do something to offend you?" No...like every year, I chat some nights and some nights I just want to be alone. What is the big deal?

Generally speaking, we try to do our own thing and ignore all the commentary and the unreasonable expectations, but it's getting to the point where DH has said this year will probably be the last. He's already talking about doing the mountains or something next year without them. Do we just give up on the idea of family vacation? Or do we just only go the years that his sister's family does make it, so there is at least cousin time.

"we always have a good time"

followed by paragraphs and paragraphs of the not good time

I don't know how blunt you've been with them already. Yes, of course they should pick up on the cues you're giving. But have you been very direct? "Susan, we won't be getting up before 8am and the commentary about when we wake up is making the trip not fun for us." "Susan, we don't want to cook a big breakfast. That isn't the kind of food we like to eat." That would factor into my advice.

OP here. We have been very direct, but we haven't added "the commentary is making the trip not fun for us." I can see that we're at a make-or-break point this year where we really might have to spell it out for them, because the kids are starting to pick up on the commentary, and DH has pretty much had it. Thank you for your responses, all.

Please say more on "DH has pretty much had it." His parents, yet we are not getting much on his perspective. My DH is fairly straightforward with his parents, so they expect it. That said, they tend to be more flexible than your ILs.

If me, I would organize a day around them even if you do not tell them explicitly. Get up early and watch the sun rise. Have your beach stuff all ready the night before so you can get down to the beach before they do. Figure out what you can make with the substandard cookery and whip it up for dinner. Tell your kids it is going to be "G+G" day and just go gangbusters for it. Shower them with it, then roll out of bed that next morning at 8 for coffee for your "us" day.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop going. QUALITY time is what's important for the kids with grandparents. Not time with them fussing and nagging and hand-wringing.