Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send him a text:

“Dad, in the future, do not make plans or promises with Rachael without checking with me first. I wanted to communicate this to you so that you will feel comfortable with me in the future, knowing what my expectations are. I hope I can also feel comfortable knowing that you will respect my decision on this. Thank you.”

Send a text under the same roof? Wtf?

You really couldn’t get there that I meant after the visit was over? You really couldn’t piece that together?

DP. I got it, but I still think it's a stupid, non-real world suggestion.

Clearly Dad is worked up and defensive now, so this visit is shot. The best way to go forward is for OP to *communicate* *ahead of time* her expectations for the future. Sure, she can try calling, but Dad sounds like the hot-tempered type. What’s YOUR suggestion, hmm?

OP's dad sounds like my father in law. If I sent him this text, he'd respond as though I'd attacked him. He's done it before --he gets all bent out of shape about something, and says harmful things to me. Then I try to take the high road by texting him something direct and simple dashed with some kindness (like the text suggestion above). But he responds with absolute disdain, self pity and accusations. He'd say something like "Thanks a lot for RUINING My relationship with MY grandchild. Well don't worry, I will never offer to spend time with him again."

Eventually he gets over it and things get better.

But I've learned not to talk to him or text him during his tantrums. He just takes everything the wrong way. Op, would your dad be responsive to such a text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Nope, plans get run by me first. I’ve told you that before and I will say it again: plans get run by me first. If that’s a problem, we can go stay at the Hampton Inn and try again tomorrow. Your choice.”

Gotta love the Tough Girl responses!

Got to love how predictably triggered Doormat Poster is when someone suggests direct communication and follow-through!

You absolutely nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

An activity out of the house without saying to me “hey, I was thinking about doing this, would you be okay with that? You weren’t planning anything else right now, were you?”

It’s a pretty simple courtesy.

Lighten up, buttercup. He sounds like a great grandfather. You, however, ... need some work.

DP btw.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

Well, yeah. Actually it kind of does. Their house, their rules (or lack thereof). OP, I feel your pain. When I visit my parents, they will occasionally suggest activities or purchases to my kids directly to them without consulting me first. Sometimes they conflict with existing plans, involve logistics my parents had not thought of, or are age inappropriate. This is annoying and inconvenient to me. But I do recognize that: 1) my parents haven't parented little kids in 40+ years and have long forgotten the details about what is age-appropriate, and 2) they love my kids and mean well. So cut your parents a bit of slack OP...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a happy grandfather made impromptu plans with his grandchild for a really fun outing, but forgot to consider logistics? Tar and feather him!!

Lighten up, OP.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Stay at a hotel is not punishment, it's just common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

Well, yeah. Actually it kind of does. Their house, their rules (or lack thereof). OP, I feel your pain. When I visit my parents, they will occasionally suggest activities or purchases to my kids directly to them without consulting me first. Sometimes they conflict with existing plans, involve logistics my parents had not thought of, or are age inappropriate. This is annoying and inconvenient to me. But I do recognize that: 1) my parents haven't parented little kids in 40+ years and have long forgotten the details about what is age-appropriate, and 2) they love my kids and mean well. So cut your parents a bit of slack OP...

Nope. Parents make the rules for their own children, no matter whose “house” they’re in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

[Anonymous]

Not enough info here to say for sure but base solely on OP, YTA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

You are visiting HIM. It’s normal for the host to plan activities for their guests, show them around town and hit the local kid friendly hot spots. You need to let yourself fall into the role of guest when you are in his home.

Nope! Good hosts recognize the needs of their guests, especially small children. If I planned late-night loud parties while my elderly uncle who is ill and needs lots of rest is visiting, am I a good host? Would he be a “bad guest” not to join in carousing at the risk of his health and peace of mind?

Small children do not care that they are “guests,” they still have basic biological needs, and if the hosts cannot be reasonably flexible and cognizant of those needs, they have no business hosting small children and parents of small children. Hotel.

And by the way, even when only hosting adults, good hosts *communicate ideas* for activities to their guests, they do not drag them around on a forced march of what they want to do without taking their guests’ needs and preferences into consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a happy grandfather made impromptu plans with his grandchild for a really fun outing, but forgot to consider logistics? Tar and feather him!!

Lighten up, OP.

Plus 1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

You are visiting HIM. It’s normal for the host to plan activities for their guests, show them around town and hit the local kid friendly hot spots. You need to let yourself fall into the role of guest when you are in his home.

Nope! Good hosts recognize the needs of their guests, especially small children. If I planned late-night loud parties while my elderly uncle who is ill and needs lots of rest is visiting, am I a good host? Would he be a “bad guest” not to join in carousing at the risk of his health and peace of mind?

Small children do not care that they are “guests,” they still have basic biological needs, and if the hosts cannot be reasonably flexible and cognizant of those needs, they have no business hosting small children and parents of small children. Hotel.

And by the way, even when only hosting adults, good hosts *communicate ideas* for activities to their guests, they do not drag them around on a forced march of what they want to do without taking their guests’ needs and preferences into consideration.

And yet in this case, the child was very excited by grandpa’s plan so obviously he took the child’s interests in mind when he offered it. That’s what good hosts do - think about the options in the area and propose them with the person’s interests in mind. There wasn’t a “need” here that the child wasn’t having met, OP was just worked up about transportation logistics that she wasn’t even willing to address with her dad in a mature, lets-work-this-out mindset. She just shot him looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

You can LET IT GO. Don't let it bother you.

Or you can become estranged from your loving, if annoying, father, and your child will be kept away from his loving grandfather. that sounds better, right?

You are impressively wrong.

No, that poster isn’t wrong. People have choices and there are pros/cons to each one. There are more than a few options beyond “cut off all communication” because you didn’t like that dad didn’t ask first about an outing he proposed to your child while visiting his house.