Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Could you also just allow him to do it while you’re there? But, not when he comes to your house. Is there a way to compromise for your own happiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Aww. Let me guess, your kids are "spirited"? Mine are well-behaved because they are well-rested. Kids have biological needs that DH and I don't ignore. My kids as toddlers watched with wide eyes as poor little ones who were always dragged around were screaming and so tired they literally rubbed their faces on the floor. These poor kids got labeled as "difficult" or ill-behaved, which is a shame because it was not their fault they were overtired. You're the horrible parents dragging kids around Target or restaurants at 10 p.m., just living life as if nothing but your wants matter. We always found ways to balance fun, vacations, activities, holidays and everything else with regular meals and nap times. My kids could be flexible because their basic biological needs were always met. It's no surprise they are also good eaters, good sleepers, do well in school. No behavior problems. I feel so bad for kids labeled as difficult because their parents didn't take care of them properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Schedules aren't for the parents, duh. Kids need schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Schedules aren't for the parents, duh. Kids need schedules.

I always find these parents who think they're cool for ignoring their children's sleep needs hilarious. yeah - go you for having your kid chronically over tired which is one of the most important things for healthy growth so you can drag them around being a "cool" parent. instead of just prioritizing their needs for 5 years or so out of the 85 other years you can not worry about a 3 year olds sleep needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus what a control freak. I'd love it if my parents made plans with my kids. But OP is just spoiling for a fight vs unclenching a bit and letting her kid have some fun.

A bit blunt but right on target. I think OP is jealous that her kid has a good relationship with Grandpa, and that the two of them are having fun together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you annoyed on the basic principle that he made plans directly with the kid? Or does it conflict with other plans / violate some limitation on activities that you set for the child (e.g. something you would not consider safe, not something you want to child exposed to, etc)? It sounds like your annoyance with your father from historical issues may be influencing your reaction here - try to look at this specific situation to see if it's really a problem, or if you're letting history cloud your perception.

If it's on principle: you need to accept that your dad does this. Set clear boundaries for him: times that are available vs when you want the kid home, what activities are not authorized, etc. Then give him some leeway to get creative within that. Your only other option is to control all interactions - don't stay with him, don't let him communicate directly with your child. Otherwise you are setting him up to fail, yourself up to be mad all of the time, and your child up for disappointment.

I am annoyed at this particular action today because there were transportation logistics to his big plans that he never considered, leaving others to scramble to figure them out. I don’t want to go into the details.

I need to stop interacting with my parents. My mom is a total enabler.

No. Please don't blame your mom for "enabling". That serms so unfair to equally punish someone who might do things out of fear of your dad. This is why we don't punish crimmials equally if one killed someone and one drove the getaway car. Have some compassion for your mom.

[Anonymous]

7 pages and we still never learned what the super-secret transportation related activity was that got OP in such a snit.

Picking up broken glass on a train trestle while wearing headphones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So is this something you would possibly object to? Sounds like you both are kind of hard headed.

I mean why wouldn’t you just say something to him right away?

Because I was trying to avoid the reaction that happened when I told him that he would talk to me first. He badgered me into saying it and then blew up at me when I said it.

He badgered your because you had your face all twisted in some 12 yr old’s passive aggressive refusal to quickly and maturely address the issue head on.
‘Dad, next time check with me first’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s where you went wrong: you got “an annoyed look on your face” instead of communicating directly: “Dad, you need to run plans by me first before mentioning them to Jamie.” And then you planned to continue inwardly being annoyed instead of saying something? Grow up.

He was wrong to bring up plans without checking with you first, and he was wrong to blow up and storm off.

BUT you were also wrong to communicate with an “annoyed look” instead of WORDS, and you were wrong to have resolved not to say anything, knowing full well this has happened in the past and will happen in the future unless you speak the frick up. You two are equally ridiculous, frankly.

100% this. There are no heroes here, and no victims.

If I spoke up immediately his reaction would have been exactly the same. Ask me how I know.

Grow up
His reaction is totally separate from your responsibility to resound maturely.
This is on you.
You sound just like your dad.

[Anonymous]

Coming from someone who had no living grandparents when my kids were growing up, try to appreciate the effort on his part, his enthusiasm for your child and let the little stuff roll off your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s where you went wrong: you got “an annoyed look on your face” instead of communicating directly: “Dad, you need to run plans by me first before mentioning them to Jamie.” And then you planned to continue inwardly being annoyed instead of saying something? Grow up.

He was wrong to bring up plans without checking with you first, and he was wrong to blow up and storm off.

BUT you were also wrong to communicate with an “annoyed look” instead of WORDS, and you were wrong to have resolved not to say anything, knowing full well this has happened in the past and will happen in the future unless you speak the frick up. You two are equally ridiculous, frankly.

100% this. There are no heroes here, and no victims.

If I spoke up immediately his reaction would have been exactly the same. Ask me how I know.

Ah geez, OP is the grudge-holding "ask me how I know" poster. This makes so much sense now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Tell them that the ball is in their court: Either they can agree to run ideas or plans by you first, or you won’t be able to visit. It is then THEIR choice whether they see you or communicate with you or not. “Let me know when we’re on the same page about this, and then we can plan our next visit.” If he springs something on you, “Unfortunately, we’re still on the same page, so I need to go. Let me know when we’re on the same page.”

Visits are a bigger investment than that. It’s a plane-ride away, so I can’t just pick up and leave. I feel like my only option is not to have a relationship. My sister also thinks my dad is crazy, so I’m not the only one.

So you flew to see your father and got mad and pouted when he wanted to spend time with his granddaughter so therefore you'll just cut all ties because it's easier than arranging transportation to wherever your dad and kids want to go? That makes total sense, no really, you don't sound unhinged at all.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't see the obvious which is that she & Dad are so alike. The parent that bothers you is the one you resemble.

Also if you're wondering AITA, yes it's you. You ATA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

+100

Look in the mirror.