Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

Part vent, part checking to see if IATA here. I’ll preface this by saying I have always had a difficult relationship with my father.

I’m visiting my parents with my preschooler, and my dad got my preschooler all hyped up for a time-sensitive activity without consulting with me first. I got an annoyed look on my face, which happens whenever he does stuff like this (which is often). He refused to let it go until I told him that I was annoyed that he didn’t talk to me about it first. He pressed me to say it, I was going to keep my mouth shut.

Then, stormed out because he “feels like he’s walking in eggshells” around me. Meanwhile, preschooler is all excited about the activity and has no idea he’s about to miss it because the grandfather is having a hissy fit that he raised such a terrible child who wants to be consulted before plans are made.

Only two days left. Get me out of here.

[Anonymous]

Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

[Anonymous]

Team OP. I can't even articulate all that's wrong with your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

An activity out of the house without saying to me “hey, I was thinking about doing this, would you be okay with that? You weren’t planning anything else right now, were you?”

It’s a pretty simple courtesy.

[Anonymous]

So is this something you would possibly object to? Sounds like you both are kind of hard headed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

An activity out of the house without saying to me “hey, I was thinking about doing this, would you be okay with that? You weren’t planning anything else right now, were you?”

It’s a pretty simple courtesy.

Yes, normal families don't have a problem with that. You are not wrong, OP. Don't get dragged in, though. Just say, "Next time please run it by me first."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So is this something you would possibly object to? Sounds like you both are kind of hard headed.

I mean why wouldn’t you just say something to him right away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So is this something you would possibly object to? Sounds like you both are kind of hard headed.

I mean why wouldn’t you just say something to him right away?

Because I was trying to avoid the reaction that happened when I told him that he would talk to me first. He badgered me into saying it and then blew up at me when I said it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So is this something you would possibly object to? Sounds like you both are kind of hard headed.

I mean why wouldn’t you just say something to him right away?

Because I was trying to avoid the reaction that happened when I told him that he would talk to me first. He badgered me into saying it and then blew up at me when I said it.

This all happened in under 2 minutes. He escalated things so quickly.

[Anonymous]

Are you annoyed on the basic principle that he made plans directly with the kid? Or does it conflict with other plans / violate some limitation on activities that you set for the child (e.g. something you would not consider safe, not something you want to child exposed to, etc)? It sounds like your annoyance with your father from historical issues may be influencing your reaction here - try to look at this specific situation to see if it's really a problem, or if you're letting history cloud your perception.

If it's on principle: you need to accept that your dad does this. Set clear boundaries for him: times that are available vs when you want the kid home, what activities are not authorized, etc. Then give him some leeway to get creative within that. Your only other option is to control all interactions - don't stay with him, don't let him communicate directly with your child. Otherwise you are setting him up to fail, yourself up to be mad all of the time, and your child up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you annoyed on the basic principle that he made plans directly with the kid? Or does it conflict with other plans / violate some limitation on activities that you set for the child (e.g. something you would not consider safe, not something you want to child exposed to, etc)? It sounds like your annoyance with your father from historical issues may be influencing your reaction here - try to look at this specific situation to see if it's really a problem, or if you're letting history cloud your perception.

If it's on principle: you need to accept that your dad does this. Set clear boundaries for him: times that are available vs when you want the kid home, what activities are not authorized, etc. Then give him some leeway to get creative within that. Your only other option is to control all interactions - don't stay with him, don't let him communicate directly with your child. Otherwise you are setting him up to fail, yourself up to be mad all of the time, and your child up for disappointment.

I am annoyed at this particular action today because there were transportation logistics to his big plans that he never considered, leaving others to scramble to figure them out. I don’t want to go into the details.

I need to stop interacting with my parents. My mom is a total enabler.

[Anonymous]

I can see this both ways. If my own father said to my kids "what do you guys think about going to the playground across town this morning??" without asking me first, and I'd over heard it, I'd think it was sweet and I'd probably get tears in my eyes. However, if my MIL said it to my kids without asking me first and I'd overheard it, I'd be boiling up inside and I'd be immediately coming into the room to be like "hey MIL, what did you tell my kids you had planned? Did you run it by (DH) already? Because we had some other stuff in mind today" because it would just be a knee jerk reaction to her CONSTANT overstepping and trying to bulldoze over my parenting when she is around.

So basically- I think your reaction is clouded by your dislike of your father, as mine would be clouded by my dislike of my MIL in that situation. Whereas I'd actually appreciate it a LOT if my father did it.

[Anonymous]

Send him a text:

“Dad, in the future, do not make plans or promises with Rachael without checking with me first. I wanted to communicate this to you so that you will feel comfortable with me in the future, knowing what my expectations are. I hope I can also feel comfortable knowing that you will respect my decision on this. Thank you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send him a text:

“Dad, in the future, do not make plans or promises with Rachael without checking with me first. I wanted to communicate this to you so that you will feel comfortable with me in the future, knowing what my expectations are. I hope I can also feel comfortable knowing that you will respect my decision on this. Thank you.”

Send a text under the same roof? Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Here’s where you went wrong: you got “an annoyed look on your face” instead of communicating directly: “Dad, you need to run plans by me first before mentioning them to Jamie.” And then you planned to continue inwardly being annoyed instead of saying something? Grow up.

He was wrong to bring up plans without checking with you first, and he was wrong to blow up and storm off.

BUT you were also wrong to communicate with an “annoyed look” instead of WORDS, and you were wrong to have resolved not to say anything, knowing full well this has happened in the past and will happen in the future unless you speak the frick up. You two are equally ridiculous, frankly.