Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Yeah that is exactly what you do. You just stop responding to him. You state “no you can’t come visit me.” and then he can carry on but your response is the same “no you can’t come visit “. if he doesn’t stop you say bye and that’s it. He shows up call the cops and say hey he won’t leave me alone. If he hangs around outside your home being a nuisance don’t even worry about doing that - some neighbor eventually will call. Tell the cops no I don’t want him in my home. Don’t contact him - no texts or emails either UNTIL you are feeling like you want to deal with him. The key thing is a monotone voice when you talk to him. If he tries to badger you in person walk away. If he won’t let you and physically blocks your way be scary. Lower the pitch and volume of your voice and give a hard stare and tell him to move. The thing is he will be thrown off in the moment bc this is not your normal response which will give you time to get away.

also don’t ever fall for that phony guilt trip about how you have build to memories. Your kid is not going to remember things he did at 2 or 3 and he can always see his grandparents when he is older and it will still be just as meaningful. Oh and I grew up with no grandparents on either side and honestly it didn’t matter. Beside who wants to build memories for their kid with an adult who is top tempered and gets triggered by virtually anything.

Oh and you absolutely did the right thing regarding whatever plans he made . I bet less than 10 minutes into that trip your dad would have freaked and got angry bc your kid whined or cried or walked to slow or didn’t want to do something. No way in hell should you have expoaed your kid to an afternoon of that crap!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP can't be bothered to elaborate for all we know he just wanted to walk the kid to the park and she lost her mind because how dare he not run that by her first. OP probably knows the details will make her look like a loon which is why she won't clarify. The details matter here.

This is OP. It involved going from point A to point B on a form of transportation (not a car) with no plan on how to safely get back to point A because it wasn’t round trip. The trip started in about 40 minutes, and it started 30 minutes away from where we were. I was concerned they weren’t going to make it to the initial stop or wouldn’t have a way to get back and my kid would be crushed. If he had spoken to me ahead of time instead of impulsively announcing the plans to my son, I could have talked through my concerns with him directly without getting my kid all ginned up. It sounded incredibly fun, but stuff like that takes more than 3 minutes of planning.

I’m sure I will be flamed as a rigid B for wanting to talk through his plan.

But you are. Because you could have handled it differently. Instead of going with hysterics, I'm going to cut him off and we'll never talk again, you could have said quietly in the moment, Dad let's talk about this. And then had a quiet discussion. But it seems like it is only your way or the highway, and you refuse to compromise. In this case you are cutting off your kid's nose to spite your face. That's on you, not your dad or anyone else. Start to think about why you are so hard line and figure out if you can find it within you to negotiate and compromise. Your kid deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP can't be bothered to elaborate for all we know he just wanted to walk the kid to the park and she lost her mind because how dare he not run that by her first. OP probably knows the details will make her look like a loon which is why she won't clarify. The details matter here.

This is OP. It involved going from point A to point B on a form of transportation (not a car) with no plan on how to safely get back to point A because it wasn’t round trip. The trip started in about 40 minutes, and it started 30 minutes away from where we were. I was concerned they weren’t going to make it to the initial stop or wouldn’t have a way to get back and my kid would be crushed. If he had spoken to me ahead of time instead of impulsively announcing the plans to my son, I could have talked through my concerns with him directly without getting my kid all ginned up. It sounded incredibly fun, but stuff like that takes more than 3 minutes of planning.

I’m sure I will be flamed as a rigid B for wanting to talk through his plan.

But you are. Because you could have handled it differently. Instead of going with hysterics, I'm going to cut him off and we'll never talk again, you could have said quietly in the moment, Dad let's talk about this. And then had a quiet discussion. But it seems like it is only your way or the highway, and you refuse to compromise. In this case you are cutting off your kid's nose to spite your face. That's on you, not your dad or anyone else. Start to think about why you are so hard line and figure out if you can find it within you to negotiate and compromise. Your kid deserves better.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP can't be bothered to elaborate for all we know he just wanted to walk the kid to the park and she lost her mind because how dare he not run that by her first. OP probably knows the details will make her look like a loon which is why she won't clarify. The details matter here.

This is OP. It involved going from point A to point B on a form of transportation (not a car) with no plan on how to safely get back to point A because it wasn’t round trip. The trip started in about 40 minutes, and it started 30 minutes away from where we were. I was concerned they weren’t going to make it to the initial stop or wouldn’t have a way to get back and my kid would be crushed. If he had spoken to me ahead of time instead of impulsively announcing the plans to my son, I could have talked through my concerns with him directly without getting my kid all ginned up. It sounded incredibly fun, but stuff like that takes more than 3 minutes of planning.

I’m sure I will be flamed as a rigid B for wanting to talk through his plan.

But you are. Because you could have handled it differently. Instead of going with hysterics, I'm going to cut him off and we'll never talk again, you could have said quietly in the moment, Dad let's talk about this. And then had a quiet discussion. But it seems like it is only your way or the highway, and you refuse to compromise. In this case you are cutting off your kid's nose to spite your face. That's on you, not your dad or anyone else. Start to think about why you are so hard line and figure out if you can find it within you to negotiate and compromise. Your kid deserves better.

DP but honestly did you even read the situation? This wouldn’t work and would have led to the exact same outcome - with the dad yelling and storming away. He is reactive to everything. Some people are like this and dealing with them sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP can't be bothered to elaborate for all we know he just wanted to walk the kid to the park and she lost her mind because how dare he not run that by her first. OP probably knows the details will make her look like a loon which is why she won't clarify. The details matter here.

This is OP. It involved going from point A to point B on a form of transportation (not a car) with no plan on how to safely get back to point A because it wasn’t round trip. The trip started in about 40 minutes, and it started 30 minutes away from where we were. I was concerned they weren’t going to make it to the initial stop or wouldn’t have a way to get back and my kid would be crushed. If he had spoken to me ahead of time instead of impulsively announcing the plans to my son, I could have talked through my concerns with him directly without getting my kid all ginned up. It sounded incredibly fun, but stuff like that takes more than 3 minutes of planning.

I’m sure I will be flamed as a rigid B for wanting to talk through his plan.

But you are. Because you could have handled it differently. Instead of going with hysterics, I'm going to cut him off and we'll never talk again, you could have said quietly in the moment, Dad let's talk about this. And then had a quiet discussion. But it seems like it is only your way or the highway, and you refuse to compromise. In this case you are cutting off your kid's nose to spite your face. That's on you, not your dad or anyone else. Start to think about why you are so hard line and figure out if you can find it within you to negotiate and compromise. Your kid deserves better.

DP but honestly did you even read the situation? This wouldn’t work and would have led to the exact same outcome - with the dad yelling and storming away. He is reactive to everything. Some people are like this and dealing with them sucks.

It also sounds like the daughter is reactive to everything, not a mystery where she got that from, but one of them ought to try to break the cycle before the kids become reactive to everything too.