Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a happy grandfather made impromptu plans with his grandchild for a really fun outing, but forgot to consider logistics? Tar and feather him!!

Lighten up, OP.

All I did was get an annoyed look on my face. He badgered me into saying that he should have spoken to me first.

NP. “All you did” was act like a sullen teen instead of a grown adult, communicating with looks instead of calm words. Own it.

Because he is incredibly hot tempered and the result was the same. I was trying keep him from getting mad at me because my son was so excited. I was trying to keep my mouth shut.

OK then. He isn’t going to change: are you going to change?

Next time they invite you over, are you going to set the expectations? “I need to be sure we’re on the same page that Dad won’t promise plans to Larla without checking with me first. Are we clear on this?” And if the answer is no, or mush-mouthed, or anger or whatever, you don’t go see them. “It doesn’t sound like we’re clear on this, so let me know when we are and we’ll pick a date to come see you.”

Are you going to change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a happy grandfather made impromptu plans with his grandchild for a really fun outing, but forgot to consider logistics? Tar and feather him!!

Lighten up, OP.

All I did was get an annoyed look on my face. He badgered me into saying that he should have spoken to me first.

NP. “All you did” was act like a sullen teen instead of a grown adult, communicating with looks instead of calm words. Own it.

Because he is incredibly hot tempered and the result was the same. I was trying keep him from getting mad at me because my son was so excited. I was trying to keep my mouth shut.

why were you so upset about this? Was the suggestion inappropriate or the issue simply that you didn't get asked first?

Usually hosts are in charge of planned activities in my family, so it would be totally normal for a grandparent to do this when we visit. Both sets of GPs....and I love it because I don't have to do the "emotional labor" of planning everything DCUM loves to hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

An activity out of the house without saying to me “hey, I was thinking about doing this, would you be okay with that? You weren’t planning anything else right now, were you?”

It’s a pretty simple courtesy.

NP: it sounds like you're standing on ceremony here because you weren't consulted first. If you'd been consulted would you have said okay? Then just let it go and say "Thanks so much for planning this Dad, let me slap some sunscreen on Aiden and off you go!" He tried to do something nice. He tried to take an active role. Don't be an *sshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

[Anonymous]

OP you need to address your issues with your parents in a healthy, adult way because now your son is getting caught in the middle of your drama with them. What you described in my family would have been met with delight all around even if logistics needed to be navigated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

Uou completely missed OP's point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Tell them that the ball is in their court: Either they can agree to run ideas or plans by you first, or you won’t be able to visit. It is then THEIR choice whether they see you or communicate with you or not. “Let me know when we’re on the same page about this, and then we can plan our next visit.” If he springs something on you, “Unfortunately, we’re still on the same page, so I need to go. Let me know when we’re on the same page.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

You can LET IT GO. Don't let it bother you.

Or you can become estranged from your loving, if annoying, father, and your child will be kept away from his loving grandfather. that sounds better, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Tell them that the ball is in their court: Either they can agree to run ideas or plans by you first, or you won’t be able to visit. It is then THEIR choice whether they see you or communicate with you or not. “Let me know when we’re on the same page about this, and then we can plan our next visit.” If he springs something on you, “Unfortunately, we’re still on the same page, so I need to go. Let me know when we’re on the same page.”

Visits are a bigger investment than that. It’s a plane-ride away, so I can’t just pick up and leave. I feel like my only option is not to have a relationship. My sister also thinks my dad is crazy, so I’m not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Tell them that the ball is in their court: Either they can agree to run ideas or plans by you first, or you won’t be able to visit. It is then THEIR choice whether they see you or communicate with you or not. “Let me know when we’re on the same page about this, and then we can plan our next visit.” If he springs something on you, “Unfortunately, we’re still on the same page, so I need to go. Let me know when we’re on the same page.”

Visits are a bigger investment than that. It’s a plane-ride away, so I can’t just pick up and leave. I feel like my only option is not to have a relationship. My sister also thinks my dad is crazy, so I’m not the only one.

Shrug, OK. Then either be prepared to stay in a hotel, or be prepared for them to visit you and not the other way around.

But you won’t, will you, OP? You’ll just whine and complain and then go get on the exact same ride and wonder why the ride won’t stop.

[Anonymous]

“Nope, plans get run by me first. I’ve told you that before and I will say it again: plans get run by me first. If that’s a problem, we can go stay at the Hampton Inn and try again tomorrow. Your choice.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Nope, plans get run by me first. I’ve told you that before and I will say it again: plans get run by me first. If that’s a problem, we can go stay at the Hampton Inn and try again tomorrow. Your choice.”

Gotta love the Tough Girl responses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send him a text:

“Dad, in the future, do not make plans or promises with Rachael without checking with me first. I wanted to communicate this to you so that you will feel comfortable with me in the future, knowing what my expectations are. I hope I can also feel comfortable knowing that you will respect my decision on this. Thank you.”

Send a text under the same roof? Wtf?

You really couldn’t get there that I meant after the visit was over? You really couldn’t piece that together?

I bet you talk to your dad like this too. Is it that important to you to be right as opposed to being kind or diplomatic?

I was not surprised to read also that you are mad because he said he wanted to visit a lot after the baby came.

Sounds like you are very similar to him, over react and then want everybody (at least on DCUM) to agree with you.