Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I can't even articulate all that's wrong with your father.

It’s pretty clear that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around his daughter and that he can do no right even when he tries.

There’s two sides to every story and we are only getting OP’s.

Obviously there is a lot of family history that is playing into these seemingly minor interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is using your child to undermine you, which undermines your relationship with your child. Don't let him do it. Tell you kid now, and keep telling them again and again and again for years, that they have to run things by you first. This is a no-brainer parenting rule anyway. If they want to get in the car with someone else's mom at pickup -- no, they have to run that by their mom first. They want to walk to the corner store with their 7 year old friend -- no, they have to run that by you first. At friend A's house and decides to go to friend B's house for a while -- they have to run that by your first. ETC. Keep reenforcing that because that is parenting 101. When grandpa says they're going to do X, Y or Z -- DC should say, YAY!! Let me ask my mom if that's okay.

Grandfather is a jerk.

Grandfather has been called everything from a jerk to an ass on this thread - such an overreaction to a minor instance that can be resolved with some cooperation and conversation.

Sort of hard to resolve things with cooperation and conversation when the other person stomps away, like grandfather did. Plus he is the parent. That shouldn't be on OP's shoulders. OP has enough on her plate now, being a parent of a young child. She can't also parent her father so he learns how to behave. He should go to a therapist for that, or at least take responsibility for his actions.

No doubt this was not a "minor instance"; more likely the last in a chain of many.

Grandfather is an immature, selfish, destructive jerk.

[Anonymous]

Wow such a tough audience! I don't think either OP or the grandfather are jerks, bad people, etc ...

OP I would try to work this out with your Dad, one on one. Or make peace just to lower the tension. Set some important simple boundries.

[Anonymous]

It would serve OP right if her child cried and cried about missing out on a fun activity because she's so hard headed and stubborn and can't learn how to be less rigid. Talk about winning the battle but losing the war.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would serve OP right if her child cried and cried about missing out on a fun activity because she's so hard headed and stubborn and can't learn how to be less rigid. Talk about winning the battle but losing the war.

Wow. You were made in grandfather's mold, I see. Yes, use the child to punish OP, just like grandfather is doing. What a sick impulse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would serve OP right if her child cried and cried about missing out on a fun activity because she's so hard headed and stubborn and can't learn how to be less rigid. Talk about winning the battle but losing the war.

Wow. You were made in grandfather's mold, I see. Yes, use the child to punish OP, just like grandfather is doing. What a sick impulse.

No, only a deranged mother would use her child as a pawn to stick it to her dad who she clearly has issues with. Because of "time sensitivity". OP needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I can't even articulate all that's wrong with your father.

It’s pretty clear that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around his daughter and that he can do no right even when he tries.

There’s two sides to every story and we are only getting OP’s.

Obviously there is a lot of family history that is playing into these seemingly minor interactions.

+1 I give the grandfather a lot of credit for trying to form a strong relationship with his grandchild despite the horrible relationship he has with OP. I hope that the grandfather perseveres despite OP's rigidity and controlling nature. The poor kid probably needs a break from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would serve OP right if her child cried and cried about missing out on a fun activity because she's so hard headed and stubborn and can't learn how to be less rigid. Talk about winning the battle but losing the war.

Wow. You were made in grandfather's mold, I see. Yes, use the child to punish OP, just like grandfather is doing. What a sick impulse.

No, only a deranged mother would use her child as a pawn to stick it to her dad who she clearly has issues with. Because of "time sensitivity". OP needs help.

Woof, "deranged"? Sounds like someone else may need help, too, PP....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I can't even articulate all that's wrong with your father.

It’s pretty clear that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around his daughter and that he can do no right even when he tries.

There’s two sides to every story and we are only getting OP’s.

Obviously there is a lot of family history that is playing into these seemingly minor interactions.

+1 I give the grandfather a lot of credit for trying to form a strong relationship with his grandchild despite the horrible relationship he has with OP. I hope that the grandfather perseveres despite OP's rigidity and controlling nature. The poor kid probably needs a break from that.

If he cared about "the poor kid" then he would not undermine "the poor kid"'s mother. He would support her. The parent is 1,000x more important to the grandchild than any relationship they will have with grandfather. Like it or not, the torch has been passed. OP is the parent, grandfather is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would serve OP right if her child cried and cried about missing out on a fun activity because she's so hard headed and stubborn and can't learn how to be less rigid. Talk about winning the battle but losing the war.

Wow. You were made in grandfather's mold, I see. Yes, use the child to punish OP, just like grandfather is doing. What a sick impulse.

No, only a deranged mother would use her child as a pawn to stick it to her dad who she clearly has issues with. Because of "time sensitivity". OP needs help.

Woof, "deranged"? Sounds like someone else may need help, too, PP....

Sick impulse? You like to throw words around yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would serve OP right if her child cried and cried about missing out on a fun activity because she's so hard headed and stubborn and can't learn how to be less rigid. Talk about winning the battle but losing the war.

Wow. You were made in grandfather's mold, I see. Yes, use the child to punish OP, just like grandfather is doing. What a sick impulse.

Like how OP is using the child to punish the grandfather.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Schedules aren't for the parents, duh. Kids need schedules.

I always find these parents who think they're cool for ignoring their children's sleep needs hilarious. yeah - go you for having your kid chronically over tired which is one of the most important things for healthy growth so you can drag them around being a "cool" parent. instead of just prioritizing their needs for 5 years or so out of the 85 other years you can not worry about a 3 year olds sleep needs

Not all kids nap and especially not all preschoolers. And if they are driving somewhere sometime the good old car nap is good enough. There are no infants in this situation. Someday you'll figure it out.

NP. You’ve clearly never read a baby sleep book, or any parenting book. Research has shown again and again the ties between brain development and sleep needs. Just because your child isn’t being given reasonable opportunities to nap and reasonable conditions in which to nap doesn’t mean they “don’t nap,” it means they are unable to nap because you are dragging them around. Sadly, you won’t “someday figure it out,” and your children have already suffered because of it.

Jesus, idiot, we're not talking about babies. Why don't you waddle back to the baby forum to talk about sleep schedules.

NP. Wow, you sound like you need to wander back to the Health forum. I hope you find a therapist and a meds plan that works for you.

[Anonymous]

Another thread derailed by the DCUM aholes.

[Anonymous]

NTA - preschoolers have nap time, eating schedules and quirks and potty needs that even the most involved grandparents are not usually up to speed with.

My parents and in-laws are welcome to discuss plans and schedule activities with my elementary age kids when they visit or we’re on vacation. My kids are old enough to use a public restroom alone, to tell someone when they are hungry, and usually have an idea of what their commitments for the day are - BD party at 3pm or a baseball game at 11am. They also won’t lose their mind if they have dinner an hour late or have ice cream for lunch.

You should always ask a parent about a preschooler or younger. What are the schedule considerations? Do they need diapers? What car seat or stroller will you use - do you know how to use it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OP - my mom is like this and she keeps score to make sure other grandparents don’t get more time with us than she does. The key is to make a regular schedule and stick to it. My parents know they will see us every Tuesday night and one activity or meal on the weekend. Once my mom realized she always knew when she’d see us next, she backed WAY off and I didn’t have the mental burden of constantly making plans. Tuesday is dinner at my house. We make Sat/Sun plans on Tuesday at dinner.