Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

Love the Uber Eats driver move. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be honest - I remember your other thread, you seem very paranoid. He isn’t going to fall back in love with someone he divorced. She clearly is in a bad situation. If she dies in a year that will be a good memory she and her kids had. Large family vacations are stressful and miserable. They won’t be hooking up. You are too early in the complex relationship to attend. I also would have some real conversations with him about what you want long term.

[Anonymous]

Op, is the ex in a relationship? If not then you don't know and it is not cool to do that.

[Anonymous]

I have been the ex-wife in this situation almost exactly. 0% chance of us getting back together.

[Anonymous]

if the ex isn't a total numbskull she'll decline the invitation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love the Uber Eats driver move. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Yes. Because screwball comedy movie works so well in real life. Completely sane approach to an adult relationship. Be sure to stream yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it’s fine to just let this go and see what happens. If it turns out he is getting back with his ex, you will find out soon anyway. If it turns out this is just a family vacation so kids can be together with mom and dad, then you had nothing to worry about and you won’t mess things up by jealously interfering.

FWIW, I have been on a couple of trips together with my ex husband and the kids since we divorced. It’s purely for the kids and I am absolutely never getting back together with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t work for me unless bf invited me to join. Keeping such traditions alive so close to their divorce is a bit of a red flag (and he can show her support and compassion on other ways.)

+1, I would not be comfortable with this. This goes beyond coparenting and back to being a family unit. Being a family unit is totally fine, but I am not going to be the outside GF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest - I remember your other thread, you seem very paranoid. He isn’t going to fall back in love with someone he divorced. She clearly is in a bad situation. If she dies in a year that will be a good memory she and her kids had. Large family vacations are stressful and miserable. They won’t be hooking up. You are too early in the complex relationship to attend. I also would have some real conversations with him about what you want long term.

You don’t know that he won’t fall back in love with her. He may still be in love with her. There are many many unknowns here, reason for the divorce, who moved for divorce, feelings wife has for exH, feelings family has for exW, does family even know they are divorced?

I know someone that kept divorce a secret, posters on this board also talk of sleeping with former spouses. At the end of the day, if you trust him, don’t worry about it and if they get back together or sleep together, etc, you will break up and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t work for me unless bf invited me to join. Keeping such traditions alive so close to their divorce is a bit of a red flag (and he can show her support and compassion on other ways.)

+1, I would not be comfortable with this. This goes beyond coparenting and back to being a family unit. Being a family unit is totally fine, but I am not going to be the outside GF.

I agree. I would start dating other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to proceed very carefully here. You are seven months into a relationship with a man who is not setting boundaries with an ex. If your ex partner has cancer you offered to take the kids more often. Or you are generous with child support. You don’t bring them on your family vacation. This is all wrong. People who are labeling you as somehow not having compassion don’t understand healthy boundaries. If you both have a small kids you need to really watch it here. This will not end well. I’m sorry, bc it sounds like you like him. But this has red flags all over it.

Those are arbitrary boundaries though. Fine if you don’t like it, but very emotionally immature to act like there are universally objective boundaries about this kind of thing.

There aren't universal boundaries, but there are general guidelines re: healthy ones, and I stand by my statement. BF inviting ex on family vacay seven months into a relationship with a new partner is a big, fat red flag. And no, OP's BF is not going to "fall back in love" with the ex. Life isn't a Kate Hudson rom-com. What's more likely is that this event is an indicator of co-dependence, which makes this guy a not-great partner for any new person. Does that make him a bad guy? Maybe not, but a bad boyfriend for OP with young kiddos? You bet.

And this is what dating is for. OP will find out one way or the other with this guy. But this scenario with the ex having cancer and the whole family vacay idea? Nope. No new relationship is growing organically here.

Sorry OP, and sorry for your BF's ex. Hope everyone does ok.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

NP. I hope this is meant as a joke. It's...a joke, right? Right?

If not, it's a horrible idea. Pure immature game-playing.

And in the event the OP and this boyfriend stay together, well, at some point OP is likely to meet his ex at a kid pickup or whatever, just crossing paths...and if the ex recognizes OP as "Cathy"? That's going to sour a decent relationship between the two exes, who do still have to co-parent. And if OP ever meets the BF's parents later and they also recognize "Cathy"? Hey, son, that was deceptive of you, and your GF seems possessive if she'd pretend like that....

Just, no.

PP, try to think away from the box. We think this idea has a lot of potential. When Cathy/Kathy shows up to deliver the Uber Eats yummies, why couldn't the boyfriend something along the lines of "Well, she was kind of cute... and nice, too" and just leave it at that.

And then when she brings another meals (something "ethnic" and tasty) he says "I know it sounds crazy, but... I think she's remarkable." Or something like that.

As far as the name, OP could use her own name, but Cathy/Kathy may be more believable. k?

Love this for you, OP.

And if you do decide to go along with this plan may I come and disguise myself as a long-lost uncle so I can witness the whole thing? I’ll wear a fake mustache and bring a newspaper so it’s not obvious that I’m there to spy.

[Am only trying to help. But I see the Peanut Factory disagrees!

What?

I think she mean the Peanut Gallery, which I learned on TikTok is not quite polite language. Apparently its original usage was to where Blacks sat in segregated theaters.

That person really struggles with communicating. Their follow up post was bizarre.

NP. I think I don't understand the whole premise. Doesn't an Uber Eats driver bring food to the door and leave? How would she be able to observe the dynamics? And for him to then say, after a few deliveries, that he thinks she's remarkable... based on what? She can drive, and carry food?
I must be missing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your BF sounds like kind, compassionate and is able to think of the kids bs the crazy ex drama we see from so many. In the situation you describe, I would be 100% fine with it. The only way I would ever date someone who is divorced with minor children is if they had a mature, amiable relationship with their ex and are able to co-parent their kids in a healthy manner. Sounds like that’s the kind your BF has.

For all the naysayers, he may be doing this for the kids. You know, coz their mom has been really sick recently.
I know it seems weird OP but sometimes people can be humane to each other for good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest - I remember your other thread, you seem very paranoid. He isn’t going to fall back in love with someone he divorced. She clearly is in a bad situation. If she dies in a year that will be a good memory she and her kids had. Large family vacations are stressful and miserable. They won’t be hooking up. You are too early in the complex relationship to attend. I also would have some real conversations with him about what you want long term.

My ex fell in love with his ex again after a family trip or at least fell in love with the idea of the family unit. It happens. Vacations are easy, real life is hard. I would not be cool with this. Was once and it burned me - or maybe I dodged a bullet but regardless, it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest - I remember your other thread, you seem very paranoid. He isn’t going to fall back in love with someone he divorced. She clearly is in a bad situation. If she dies in a year that will be a good memory she and her kids had. Large family vacations are stressful and miserable. They won’t be hooking up. You are too early in the complex relationship to attend. I also would have some real conversations with him about what you want long term.

My ex fell in love with his ex again after a family trip or at least fell in love with the idea of the family unit. It happens. Vacations are easy, real life is hard. I would not be cool with this. Was once and it burned me - or maybe I dodged a bullet but regardless, it happens.

If a vacation is all it takes to break you up, it’s going to happen anyway. Maybe his door dash driver will be next.