Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is still married. I would break up with him.

+1

Omg OP says above his divorce isn’t final! Op, do not date men who are separated. Just don’t.

You should start dating other people. If he can take his estranged wife on a family vacation you should not be exclusive with him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

OP: yes, this. They are definitely not together and haven't been for a long time; they've been living separately and have a custody schedule. I don't have any concerns about them getting back together and I don't believe that either of them want to. My concern is only over whether this signals poor boundaries and/or bad judgement on his part, and whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who goes on vacation with his ex, even if it's just a one-time thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

OP: yes, this. They are definitely not together and haven't been for a long time; they've been living separately and have a custody schedule. I don't have any concerns about them getting back together and I don't believe that either of them want to. My concern is only over whether this signals poor boundaries and/or bad judgement on his part, and whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who goes on vacation with his ex, even if it's just a one-time thing.

You should be more worried that you're dating a man who is still married. Date people who have divorced at least 2 years.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't handle it. Maybe I am immature or have had a bad record w cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

OP: yes, this. They are definitely not together and haven't been for a long time; they've been living separately and have a custody schedule. I don't have any concerns about them getting back together and I don't believe that either of them want to. My concern is only over whether this signals poor boundaries and/or bad judgement on his part, and whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who goes on vacation with his ex, even if it's just a one-time thing.

I don’t think his boundaries are poor and I don’t think he has poor judgment. I think you just need to decide if his chosen boundaries are incompatible with your being satisfied with your relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't handle it. Maybe I am immature or have had a bad record w cheaters.

I'm not sure I could either. Does that make me too jealous or insecure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't handle it. Maybe I am immature or have had a bad record w cheaters.

I'm not sure I could either. Does that make me too jealous or insecure?

Neither. It makes you moral and someone who respects marriages. OP is dating a married man who is vacationing with his spouse.

[Anonymous]

I don't see a divorcing couple here:I see an open, extraterritorial marriage here. Do they still have joint accounts/health insurance? I bet they do, and it can continue for years. I would date other people and not be exclusive with the guy

[Anonymous]

Why does everyone assume OPs BF and his ex will definitely have sex if they go on this trip? They divorced for a reason. And I assume they still have to see each other so if they wanted to sleep together, they don't need to go on a trip to do it.

I have zero attraction towards my ex. Most divorced women here say the same.

All that said, it is a red flag that he's not inviting you on the trip as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone assume OPs BF and his ex will definitely have sex if they go on this trip? They divorced for a reason. And I assume they still have to see each other so if they wanted to sleep together, they don't need to go on a trip to do it.

I have zero attraction towards my ex. Most divorced women here say the same.

All that said, it is a red flag that he's not inviting you on the trip as well.

Did you read her last information disclosure that he's still not divorced? They are separated with extraterritorial open marriage basically and it can last for years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

OP: yes, this. They are definitely not together and haven't been for a long time; they've been living separately and have a custody schedule. I don't have any concerns about them getting back together and I don't believe that either of them want to. My concern is only over whether this signals poor boundaries and/or bad judgement on his part, and whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who goes on vacation with his ex, even if it's just a one-time thing.

I don’t think his boundaries are poor and I don’t think he has poor judgment. I think you just need to decide if his chosen boundaries are incompatible with your being satisfied with your relationship with him.

This. If anything I’m finding your expectations skewed. His boundaries don’t seem unhealthy given his childrens mother just went through a pretty significant health issue. Even if she did not I don’t see an issue with the childrens parents being with them on their vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moreover, this man is near the edge of spousal abandonment (likely, due to the wife being sick and not capable in bed for a while). And OP is preying on a vulnerable family situation just when they need to stick together, and the wife needs most support! She's been trying to pull the blanket from his wife and kids, and also complains about it!

There are women that are so incredibly selfish it amazes me.

Yep. And it’s weird that OP can’t figure this out for herself but wants to be able to label the BF as “bad” or “boundary crossing.” Dating with kids and exes is always going to be complicated and there are a million different ways to handle this. At one point I had a separated BF who spent weeks intensely helping his ex finish her dissertation - because they were in similar fields, and she had put aside her dissertation while raising their child. Then they separated and she needed to go on the job market ASAP. I thought that was really cool and never for a second worried about it. They had probably had a long-standing intellectual engagement in her research, and it was right for him to support her career that way. It showed he is a very loyal and reliable person (and he showed that to me too.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moreover, this man is near the edge of spousal abandonment (likely, due to the wife being sick and not capable in bed for a while). And OP is preying on a vulnerable family situation just when they need to stick together, and the wife needs most support! She's been trying to pull the blanket from his wife and kids, and also complains about it!

There are women that are so incredibly selfish it amazes me.

Yep. And it’s weird that OP can’t figure this out for herself but wants to be able to label the BF as “bad” or “boundary crossing.” Dating with kids and exes is always going to be complicated and there are a million different ways to handle this. At one point I had a separated BF who spent weeks intensely helping his ex finish her dissertation - because they were in similar fields, and she had put aside her dissertation while raising their child. Then they separated and she needed to go on the job market ASAP. I thought that was really cool and never for a second worried about it. They had probably had a long-standing intellectual engagement in her research, and it was right for him to support her career that way. It showed he is a very loyal and reliable person (and he showed that to me too.)

But were they spending the night, under the same roof? That’s quite different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moreover, this man is near the edge of spousal abandonment (likely, due to the wife being sick and not capable in bed for a while). And OP is preying on a vulnerable family situation just when they need to stick together, and the wife needs most support! She's been trying to pull the blanket from his wife and kids, and also complains about it!

There are women that are so incredibly selfish it amazes me.

Yep. And it’s weird that OP can’t figure this out for herself but wants to be able to label the BF as “bad” or “boundary crossing.” Dating with kids and exes is always going to be complicated and there are a million different ways to handle this. At one point I had a separated BF who spent weeks intensely helping his ex finish her dissertation - because they were in similar fields, and she had put aside her dissertation while raising their child. Then they separated and she needed to go on the job market ASAP. I thought that was really cool and never for a second worried about it. They had probably had a long-standing intellectual engagement in her research, and it was right for him to support her career that way. It showed he is a very loyal and reliable person (and he showed that to me too.)

But were they spending the night, under the same roof? That’s quite different.

With a bunch of relatives, their kids, and zero interest in reconciliation….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moreover, this man is near the edge of spousal abandonment (likely, due to the wife being sick and not capable in bed for a while). And OP is preying on a vulnerable family situation just when they need to stick together, and the wife needs most support! She's been trying to pull the blanket from his wife and kids, and also complains about it!

There are women that are so incredibly selfish it amazes me.

Yep. And it’s weird that OP can’t figure this out for herself but wants to be able to label the BF as “bad” or “boundary crossing.” Dating with kids and exes is always going to be complicated and there are a million different ways to handle this. At one point I had a separated BF who spent weeks intensely helping his ex finish her dissertation - because they were in similar fields, and she had put aside her dissertation while raising their child. Then they separated and she needed to go on the job market ASAP. I thought that was really cool and never for a second worried about it. They had probably had a long-standing intellectual engagement in her research, and it was right for him to support her career that way. It showed he is a very loyal and reliable person (and he showed that to me too.)

But were they spending the night, under the same roof? That’s quite different.

It’s not really different unless you have some weird Mike Pence rule. They were spending all day together in an apartment - if they were going to dramatically rekindle things it could have happened then. I am actually a really jealous person but I had zero concerns about it.