Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to proceed very carefully here. You are seven months into a relationship with a man who is not setting boundaries with an ex. If your ex partner has cancer you offered to take the kids more often. Or you are generous with child support. You don’t bring them on your family vacation. This is all wrong. People who are labeling you as somehow not having compassion don’t understand healthy boundaries. If you both have a small kids you need to really watch it here. This will not end well. I’m sorry, bc it sounds like you like him. But this has red flags all over it.

Those are arbitrary boundaries though. Fine if you don’t like it, but very emotionally immature to act like there are universally objective boundaries about this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

If OP does go with the posing as an Uber eats driver plan, and she should, would it be best to remain ‘Kathy’ for the rest of her life? How would she do this, given that her friends and family know her by her real name? Wouldn’t their wedding be confusing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP does go with the posing as an Uber eats driver plan, and she should, would it be best to remain ‘Kathy’ for the rest of her life? How would she do this, given that her friends and family know her by her real name? Wouldn’t their wedding be confusing?

This is the PP. I aas only suggesting Cathy (or Kathy) as a possibility. Another good name would be Jen. OP can also use her real name if she wants but it might expose her privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you certain he's actually divorced?

If he is divorced, I’m assuming he never told his parents because he divorced her when she had cancer.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend sounds like a gem and this is a truly unique circumstance with the ex having battled cancer. I would trust him and be supportive in this one instance.

[Anonymous]

Yikes what a waste of space in this thread. 7 months or 7 years, this woman will always be in your life OP. Your haven’t introduced kids yet. Ex had/has cancer. My lord if you’re this concerned now, just end the relationship. Empathy people! Kids come first and OP should understand. He could have lied and not mentioned his ex at all. You still wouldn’t have been invited.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many of the women responding to this thread are actually divorced. They all seem to be fantasizing about continuing their shared holidays and roles as a caregiver if they divorced their spouses. Even in the most amicable of divorces this just isn’t a thing. People split up for a reason. To no longer be together. If they want to be a caregiver or vacation with their former spouses they should probably still be married to them.

OP it sounds like you may be a rebound because your boyfriend doesn’t have the normal boundaries that the majority of divorced people have with their spouses. It’s weird he wants to invite the XW on his family vacation and weird that she’d even want to go. I think you may want to back away because it seems like he’s not over her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boyfriend sounds like a gem and this is a truly unique circumstance with the ex having battled cancer. I would trust him and be supportive in this one instance.

Agree. He sounds kind. I’d be supportive of this.


I understand your discomfort as well. Remember too, if things change after the trip they would have in time anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

NP. I hope this is meant as a joke. It's...a joke, right? Right?

If not, it's a horrible idea. Pure immature game-playing.

And in the event the OP and this boyfriend stay together, well, at some point OP is likely to meet his ex at a kid pickup or whatever, just crossing paths...and if the ex recognizes OP as "Cathy"? That's going to sour a decent relationship between the two exes, who do still have to co-parent. And if OP ever meets the BF's parents later and they also recognize "Cathy"? Hey, son, that was deceptive of you, and your GF seems possessive if she'd pretend like that....

Just, no.

PP, try to think away from the box. We think this idea has a lot of potential. When Cathy/Kathy shows up to deliver the Uber Eats yummies, why couldn't the boyfriend something along the lines of "Well, she was kind of cute... and nice, too" and just leave it at that.

And then when she brings another meals (something "ethnic" and tasty) he says "I know it sounds crazy, but... I think she's remarkable." Or something like that.

As far as the name, OP could use her own name, but Cathy/Kathy may be more believable. k?

Love this for you, OP.

And if you do decide to go along with this plan may I come and disguise myself as a long-lost uncle so I can witness the whole thing? I’ll wear a fake mustache and bring a newspaper so it’s not obvious that I’m there to spy.

[Am only trying to help. But I see the Peanut Factory disagrees!

What?

I think she mean the Peanut Gallery, which I learned on TikTok is not quite polite language. Apparently its original usage was to where Blacks sat in segregated theaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

NP. I hope this is meant as a joke. It's...a joke, right? Right?

If not, it's a horrible idea. Pure immature game-playing.

And in the event the OP and this boyfriend stay together, well, at some point OP is likely to meet his ex at a kid pickup or whatever, just crossing paths...and if the ex recognizes OP as "Cathy"? That's going to sour a decent relationship between the two exes, who do still have to co-parent. And if OP ever meets the BF's parents later and they also recognize "Cathy"? Hey, son, that was deceptive of you, and your GF seems possessive if she'd pretend like that....

Just, no.

PP, try to think away from the box. We think this idea has a lot of potential. When Cathy/Kathy shows up to deliver the Uber Eats yummies, why couldn't the boyfriend something along the lines of "Well, she was kind of cute... and nice, too" and just leave it at that.

And then when she brings another meals (something "ethnic" and tasty) he says "I know it sounds crazy, but... I think she's remarkable." Or something like that.

As far as the name, OP could use her own name, but Cathy/Kathy may be more believable. k?

Love this for you, OP.

And if you do decide to go along with this plan may I come and disguise myself as a long-lost uncle so I can witness the whole thing? I’ll wear a fake mustache and bring a newspaper so it’s not obvious that I’m there to spy.

[Am only trying to help. But I see the Peanut Factory disagrees!

What?

I think she mean the Peanut Gallery, which I learned on TikTok is not quite polite language. Apparently its original usage was to where Blacks sat in segregated theaters.

That person really struggles with communicating. Their follow up post was bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the women responding to this thread are actually divorced. They all seem to be fantasizing about continuing their shared holidays and roles as a caregiver if they divorced their spouses. Even in the most amicable of divorces this just isn’t a thing. People split up for a reason. To no longer be together. If they want to be a caregiver or vacation with their former spouses they should probably still be married to them.

OP it sounds like you may be a rebound because your boyfriend doesn’t have the normal boundaries that the majority of divorced people have with their spouses. It’s weird he wants to invite the XW on his family vacation and weird that she’d even want to go. I think you may want to back away because it seems like he’s not over her.

There are no rules. I can think of three cases where the exes vacationed together, provided significant support during a challenging time. When kids are involved it’s really part of supporting them. I would be horrified if a man I was dating did nothing to support a sick ex if they had small kids and she didn’t have a great support network, barring anything extreme like a severely high conflict situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the women responding to this thread are actually divorced. They all seem to be fantasizing about continuing their shared holidays and roles as a caregiver if they divorced their spouses. Even in the most amicable of divorces this just isn’t a thing. People split up for a reason. To no longer be together. If they want to be a caregiver or vacation with their former spouses they should probably still be married to them.

OP it sounds like you may be a rebound because your boyfriend doesn’t have the normal boundaries that the majority of divorced people have with their spouses. It’s weird he wants to invite the XW on his family vacation and weird that she’d even want to go. I think you may want to back away because it seems like he’s not over her.

It’s not a family vacation like a trip to Disney. It’s a summer family tradition at a family vacation home. That’s more an opportunity to be with kids and family.

[Anonymous]

Did he invite you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that the timeline needs to be clarified. Did he divorce yet while she was undergoing treatment?! If so, that’s the bigger issue to mull over.

I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer in Jan, had surgery in March. No chemo or radiation, I was done with treatment in 60 days. So it is entirely feasible the ex developed cancer after the divorce and then when through/ finished treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that the timeline needs to be clarified. Did he divorce yet while she was undergoing treatment?! If so, that’s the bigger issue to mull over.

I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer in Jan, had surgery in March. No chemo or radiation, I was done with treatment in 60 days. So it is entirely feasible the ex developed cancer after the divorce and then when through/ finished treatment.

Strength and healing to you!



What Lies Behind Us
And What Lies Before Us
Are Tiny Matters
Compared to What Lies Within Us

Emerson